1. Sherlock Holmes

2. Bishop Blackie Ryan

3. Nuala Ann McGrail

4. Chuck and Rosemarie O’Malley

5. Sean Dillon

6. Fr. Tim and Cynthia Kavanaugh

7. Miss Jane Marple

8. Hercule Poirot

9. Betsy (Ray), Tacy (Kelly), and Tib (Mueller)

10. Meg and Charles Wallace Murray

11. Vicky Austin

12. Canon Tallis

13. Polly O’Keefe

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1. Pretty much everything that ever happened on Little House on the Prairie, including when Albert was dying of leukemia,

2. And when the entire town of Walnut Grove blew itself up rather than fall into the hands of an unscrupulous businessman.

3. When the Chief died on Gimme A Break. (OK, so this one did actually happen to a real person.)

4. When Alex P. Keaton drove cross country on Family Ties in order to meet Ellen at the train station to prevent her from marrying her boyfriend, and to tell her that he loved her.

5. When Nancy Drew was kidnapped by the Howard Hughes-type recluse on The Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys Mystery Hour and it almost prompted Frank Hardy to admit how much he loved her.

6. When Carter was stabbed on ER, and as he fell to the floor, wounded, he looked over and saw Lucy also lying on the floor, mortally wounded.

7. When Ari shot and killed Kate on NCIS.

8. When Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson’s entire staff on The Closer, after fighting her for an entire year, all threatened to quit if she was fired from the department.

9. When Colby Granger turned out to be a spy for the Chinese on Numb3rs.

10. When Booth dropped everything and rushed to New Orleans to save Bones when she was unjustly accused of murder on Bones.

11. When Angela finally realized how much she cared for Hodgins after he survived being buried alive in a car on Bones.

12. When Keith Mars reveals to Veronica that he’s just gotten back the results of a paternity test that prove that she is, in fact, his daughter on Veronica Mars.

13. Also on Veronica Mars when Cassidy “Beaver” Casablancas blows up the airplane carrying his archenemy, and you thought that the explosion had also killed Keith Mars.

Oops, I forgot! 14. When Col. Henry Blake was killed in a plane crash on his way back home from Korea on M*A*S*H.

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Thirteen Stupid Tourist Questions
1. Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.2. Which beach is closest to the water?

3. Have we made peace with the Indians?

4. Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.

5. What is the official language of Alaska?

6. What’s the best time of year to watch deer turn into elk?

7. Where are Rhett and Scarlet buried and are they buried together?

8. If you go to a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?

9. I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?

10. Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?

11. Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

12. Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

13. How much of the cave is underground?

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. Steven D. Price

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Thirteen Malaprops From High School And College Music Examsfrom 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. Steven D. Price

1. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.

1. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

1. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

1. Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.

1. The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

1. A harp is a nude piano.

1. A fugue was something the Hatfields and the McCoys had.

1. Diatonic is a low-calorie soda.

1. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

1. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

1. If they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

1. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

1. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.


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Thirteen Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

1. A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the
same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks,
“What does two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies, “Four.”
The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks
at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same
question, “What does two plus two equal?” The accountant says,
“On average, four — give or take 10 percent — but on average,
four.” Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the
same question, “What does two plus two equal?” The economist
gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the
interviewer, and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

2. Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn’t think he had a chance
of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he
bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of
manslaughter. The jury was out for over three days before eventually
returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared
the bribed juror and said: “Thanks. How ever did you manage it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “All the others wanted to acquit you.”

3. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt
for your fellow man,” the priest said. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk
muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he
had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t
mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,” the man said.”

4. An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s
routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots
of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why
don’t you try carrying several things at once?” “Did it save time?”
the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert.
“It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.

5. An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided
to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they
were not at home. The test was this: If the son took the money, he
would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest,
but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk. So the parents
hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his
pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, “Darn, it’s even worse than
I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!

[Read more…] about Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine