Thirteen Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine
1. A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the
same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks,
“What does two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies, “Four.”
The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks
at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same
question, “What does two plus two equal?” The accountant says,
“On average, four — give or take 10 percent — but on average,
four.” Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the
same question, “What does two plus two equal?” The economist
gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the
interviewer, and says, “What do you want it to equal?”
2. Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn’t think he had a chance
of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he
bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of
manslaughter. The jury was out for over three days before eventually
returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared
the bribed juror and said: “Thanks. How ever did you manage it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “All the others wanted to acquit you.”
3. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt
for your fellow man,” the priest said. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk
muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he
had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t
mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,” the man said.”
4. An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s
routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots
of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why
don’t you try carrying several things at once?” “Did it save time?”
the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert.
“It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.
5. An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided
to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they
were not at home. The test was this: If the son took the money, he
would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest,
but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk. So the parents
hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his
pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, “Darn, it’s even worse than
I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!
6. One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a
wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment
into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim
searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he
gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in
the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his
golfing partner in excitement, “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down
here.” Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls
out, “What’s the matter Jim?” Jim shouts back in a nervous voice,
“Throw me my 7-iron… You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron!”!
7. A husband comes home from work after another long day at the
office. Upon entering his front door, however, he is puzzled to find
the hallway scattered with toys, jackets and a pile of unopened mail
on the floor. Even more surprising, when he entered the living room
he found toys everywhere, overflowing ashtrays and dirty teacups
from the night before. Now starting to get worried that something
might be wrong, he goes into the kitchen, only to find the sink full
of dirty dishes, the tiled floor filthy from muddy paw prints and kids’
footprints, and again toys, unwrapped food and an even bigger
mess. Now in a panic, he quickly climbs the cluttered stairs and
bursts into the bedroom, only to find the bed unmade and his wife
sitting at the window admiring the view. “What the hell has happened
dear? It’s like a war zone in here!” “Well dear, every day you walk
through that door from a long day at the office, and every day you
ask me the same question: ‘what did you do today dear?’
Well today I didn’t do it!”
8. One day, a man was sitting at a bar in Chicago. He looks over and sees
this guy who looks exactly like him. He says to the other guy, “Hey, you
look just like me!” The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.” “Me too!” says the second guy,
“What street do you live on?” “49th Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited.
“What’s your address?” “951.” “Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What
are your parents’ names?” “John and Cathy,” says the first guy.
“Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we’re related?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the one whose
shift is about to start asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first
bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”
9. The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that
rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads,
they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit
— and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.” The LAPD goes
in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear
is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
10. Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house
for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with
a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.
You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter,
the mother sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton< ,” she wrote one
son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house.” “Gerald,” she wrote to another,
“I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home,
so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest
Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
11. A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel
with a sign that reads “For Women Only.” Since they are without their
boyfriends, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by
floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s inside.
” So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, “All the
men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind.”
The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, “All the men here are wonderful
lovers, but they generally treat women badly.” This wasn’t going to do,
so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, “All the
men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women.”
This was good, but there were still two more floors. On the fourth floor,
the sign was perfect. “All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive
and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and
straight.” The women seem pleased but they decide that they would
rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the
fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads,
“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is
impossible to please a woman!”
12. A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old
scotch. The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,”
so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip
and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year
old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some
6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the
bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference.
So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from
the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron
a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most
satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of
the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to
the patron and drunkedly says: “Shay mishter, tashte this!”
The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out. “That tastes like pee!,
” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It ish.
Now how old am I?”
13. One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who
was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it
was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight
she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she
reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not
reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip
it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on
the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she
still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind
her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the
first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
“How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!