Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Apparently This Is How You Use Your Powers When You’re An Engineer

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If I had to identify one of the most outstanding characteristics of my personality, it would unfortunately have to be my Stunning Inability To Locate Myself In Time And Space. I get lost all the time, so often in fact that there now exists a Greatest Hits Collection of my best “getting lost” stories:

-the time I got lost leading a group of friends who were helping us move into our new house

-the time in grad school when I got lost on The Loop in Athens, GA-it was a LOOP for crying out loud, with a FIXED NUMBER of places you could go. Eventually I HAD to find something that looked familiar-and called my husband (then boyfriend) who was in grad school in Atlanta to announce that, “It’s pitch black and I have no idea where I am. Oh and by the way, I’m completely out of gas and am running on fumes. And even if you wanted to come and rescue me you couldn’t, because there’s no way to tell you how to find me. Tell my parents I love them.”

-the time I was driving down Interstate 85, headed to the same place I’d gone every single Monday night for an entire year, missed my exit, got off the highway, turned around, and headed back in the opposite direction (because, HELLO, that’s supposed to work!), somehow ended up on an entirely different Interstate and had to call my husband to guide me home so I didn’t accidentally end up in Alabama.

-the time I was in Phoenix and had to physically drive to the airport in order to change my ticket so I could fly home early. But I didn’t actually know how to get to the airport from my hotel, even though I had driven that route only 4 days earlier, so I called my husband and asked him to guide me there. (I don’t think he minded that much, because it did give him an excuse to fire up Google Earth). Then I had to drive back to my hotel, the exact same way that I had just come only minutes earlier. But I got lost again and had to have him reverse all the directions for me verbally in order to make it back safely.

I truly am one of those people who needs to wear an ID bracelet at all times. But instead of having a medical alert mine would need to say, “While extremely proficient in exploring the realms of the mind, wearer is completely incapable of navigating herself around the physical world.” [Read more…] about Apparently This Is How You Use Your Powers When You’re An Engineer

Happy New Year-I’m It Again!

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Possibly taking pity on me after my last post where I described my inability to deal well with boredom, Mary (Mert) from Almost Somewhat Positive tagged me to do this meme called, “5 Things You May Not Know About Me”. I’m not sure if my online ramblings have left many (any) things about me unknown, but we’ll see what we can come up with here.

1. I can trace my family line back to four people on the Mayflower; 2 people on my paternal grandfather’s side, and 2 people on my paternal grandmother’s side.

2. My choir director at Wake Forest University was Dr. Brian Gorelick, who besides being a fabulously talented choir director is also the brother of Kenny G. My sophomore year in college we did this mega production of “Carmina Burana” which Kenny G flew out to attend, and he sat in the seat directly in front of my brother in the audience.

3. I CANNOT STAND any fabric that has any kind of a nap-velvet, silk, suede, corduroy, velor you name it. Having to touch it literally makes my spine ache, it is just that repulsive to me.

4. I went to my senior prom in 1990 with the man to whom I am now married. (And yes, I DID know I wanted to marry him back then-I know a good thing when I see it! And no, I did NOT mention that little fact to him-I’m not stupid! :P)

5. I absolutely refuse to read or watch any stories about animals. I just cannot handle animal stories-they make me come completely unglued. So I’m probably the only person in America who’s never seen “The Lion King”. And I’m OK with that.

The Year In Review-A Survey

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Do you remember that TV show “The Incredible Hulk” where at the beginning Bill Bixby would say, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”? Well I’m the same way, only not with anger but with being bored. I cannot stand being bored, and so if I can’t find anything external to interest me, I’ll go off into the far reaches of my mind and make something up.

Sometimes the results are very cool, like a fun blog post or an inspiration as to how I can completely reorganize the entire house in one afternoon. But sometimes it results in my “casting a spell on myself” and then seeking out my poor, unsuspecting husband, who then has to deal with a wife who is utterly distraught over something she just made up in her head (“nobody loves me”, “I’m doing everything wrong”, “We have no money and we will end up living in a box on the street”, etc.) (Because, at least then I’m not bored!)

Boredom has unfortunately been kind of a problem lately, ever since the Cold And Flu Of Death exploded upon my person at 2:30 am Christmas morning. So I really haven’t had a lot with which to occupy myself, other than to wonder where the &%$# all of this SNOT is coming from (I mean, I know I have a big head and all, but COME ON!)

Fortunately there are a lot of different blogging memes floating around the blogosphere as the year draws to a close, so I’ve been able to find a few things to do. One of my favorite bloggers, Christina of The Patent Princess, did this one a few days ago, and so I decided to give it a whirl myself.

1. Where did you ring in 2006?
On the couch, suffering from undiagnosed bronchitis. Do I know how to party or what?!

2. What was your status on Valentine’s Day?
Continuing to expand my status as, “really cool wife”, I told my husband a couple of years ago that I really wasn’t into celebrating Valentine’s Day. I had this whole diatribe against made-up holidays that cause unnecessary suffering, but I think all he heard was, “Woo Hoo! I’m off the hook!”

3. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Does the school of life count? Actually, I did finish my certification program and am now officially a certified life coach.

4. How did you earn your keep?
When I could find a few moments to spare from performing my duties as “She Who Feeds Us” and “Official Doorman For Creatures With Attention Spans Smaller Than That Of A Gnat” I tutored high school kids in Spanish.

5. Did you ever have to go to the hospital?
No, but I did have to go to the “Doc In A Box” Immediate Care Center three times where I learned the following interesting fact. Shots in the ass: they’re not just for children anymore.

6. Have you ever encountered the police?
No. (See: Being An Uptight Goody-Two-Shoes, Things At Which I Excel) [Read more…] about The Year In Review-A Survey

The A to Z of Me

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It’s exam time again, and while it’s great for me because I have lots of work helping all my students get ready, it’s unfortunate on the whole “entertaining story front”. Because truthfully, the Spanish language as a whole? Not really that amusing.

So I hunted around and found a number of different “A to Z” memes. But instead of just filling them out as they are, I combined them all and then picked the prompt I felt like writing about for each letter. Because I’m like that. So here we go.

Accent, Available/Single, Age-Being the shape-shifter that I am, I tend to take on the accent of whoever’s around me. Being the Spanish Maestro that I am, I can also do a mean impression of Mandy Patinkin in the “Princess Bride” when he says, “Hello. My name is Iñigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Booze, Best Friend, Birthday-My birthday is October 8,the very best day of the whole entire year. I am very much a person who likes to push the edge of the envelope, and this I attribute to being a Libra

If you’ve ever seen the visual representation of the Libra’s Zodiac sign, you know that it is a set of scales. And the scales are always perfectly balanced. But in my opinion that picture should always have a giant asterisk underneath it and a note that says, “Warning: the state of balance shown here represents the Libran ideal, not their day-to-day experience.”

Because, while I may occasionally reach the state of perfectly balanced scales in my life, as soon as I do I think, “OK, well this is cool. Now, I wonder what happens if I do this?” and then I purposely unbalance my scales in as dramatic and chaotic a way as I can imagine, and then see if I can get back to my previous state of balance.

At least I’m never boring.

Chore I Hate, Cake Or Pie, Career-I consider my vocation in this world to be that of “Spreader of Joy”.

Dogs Or Cats, Drink Of Choice, Dad’s Name-Coca-Cola, AKA “The Elixir Of Life”. I have practically created my own religion with the rituals and practices I’ve formed around this precious liquid life. Seriously. Just ask my husband.

Essential Electronics, Essential Item You Use Every Day, Essential Item To Bring To A Party-Well clearly the answer to ALL of these is, “My BlackBerry”. [Read more…] about The A to Z of Me

I’m It

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Sparky, of “Philly Transplant”, just tagged me for the following meme:

The Rules:

Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

I didn’t know how I could possibly pick out just six of my, um, “eccentricities”, so I decided to ask my husband what he would choose. So here is his list, about me.

“Well, you need to start with your toes,” was his first thought. Oh sure, Mr. “I-Have-Beautifully-Formed-Arches-And-Perfectly-Sculpted-Long-Elegant-Toes”, point out my completely flat feet with toes that curl under why don’t you. It’s not like my self-esteem has taken a big hit with that whole witch thing or anything. [Read more…] about I’m It

Trying Something New, Again

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Never really being one to leave well enough alone, and apparently not having yet met my internal quota of Things To Obsess Over by demanding of myself that I visit each and every one of the almost-300 blogs that participate in the Thursday Thirteen meme, I’ve been shopping around for some new blog activities in which I can participate.

So this week I participated in the Friday’s Feast meme, which was a lot of fun, and tomorrow I’m planning on participating in Blog Fodder. But not only do these new memes offer me the opportunity for some high-quality obsessing over these brand-new participant lists, this Monday will only be the third week that Blog Fodder has been around. And they leave up all the previous topics. And there really aren’t strict rules about how you participate. Which means that I can go back to the very beginning and answer all the questions starting from Week One. Because having a perfectly complete and uninterrupted set of Blog Fodder posts of course matters a great deal to…um,…absolutely no one. But it sure does make my inner OCD girl happy. So here we go.

Blog Fodder #1: What Are Some Of Your Memorable Experiences At School?

[Read more…] about Trying Something New, Again

Recent Events That Have Made Me Feel Like A Big Giant Goober

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1. The fact that my husband had to FORBID ME TO CLEAN while recovering from pneumonia. (What? I thought housework was part of the treatment for lung disorders.)

2. The fact that when I told this to one of my friends she replied, “You are a wanker and you need to be beaten!” (Because there’s nothing like the loving support of your friends.)

3. The fact that I don’t actually know what a “wanker” is. (I had a very sheltered childhood and adolescence. Just ask my husband.)

4. The fact that I recently found myself in the grocery store having hot, sweaty, lustful thoughts about all of the Swiffer products that it’s now possible to buy. (I really have no explanation for this at all. Although now #1 might not seem quite so weird.)

5. The fact that it’s taken me an entire year to understand what my friend means when she uses the phrase “it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway” when describing intimate physical relationships and the size of a man’s, uh, “cash and prizes”. (I told you I was sheltered.)

The Big Head

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When my brother and I get together, the topic of conversation often turns to a discussion of our big heads. I don’t mean that metaphorically (although I have certainly been guilty of that many times). I mean it literally; as in, hats never fit me; when my chiropractor is working on me she often remarks, “Wow, your head is really heavy!”; and in the wedding picture of me and my husband dancing our first dance cheek to cheek, my head appears to be approximately 85 times the size of his.

I would REALLY like to tell you that having a very large heads corresponds to some kind of exceptional quality, like extra brains or heightened critical thinking skills. And I suppose I could. But I know that I would just be completely making that up, and I don’t like to just pull things out of my ass like that when it’s something someone could actually (factually) check.

However I did discover one unexpected advantage to having a big head today. If for some reason, like for example, your dermatologist is about to scrape what is either a wart or a benign Something-With-A-Really-Complicated-Medical-Name off the top of your scalp, and you have to get injected with anesthetic directly into your head? It’s really not so bad. Nothing like getting multiple shots in the ass.

So there you go. Big head? Big needle? No problem.

Coffee Is The New Black

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Back when I was in high school peer pressure was easy to spot, and there were always very clear-cut reasons available to me for saying “No”. Smoking? Um, no thanks, on account of all the cancer and all the death. Drinking? Hm, think I’ll pass, as I have no desire for my parents to kill me for engaging in such behavior. Sex? I couldn’t stand anyone else’s children; I certainly didn’t want any of my own.

But by the time I finally finished school, got married, and entered my thirties, I began to relax. Surely, I thought, the time of being scorned for being “different” had passed.

Oh silly, naive woman.

All that getting older meant was that I was now eligible to experience Peer Pressure For The 21st Century. What might that be, you ask? Only every time someone turns to me and says, “Hey, you wanna go and get some coffee?” Because no, I don’t. And apparently, the fact that I am thirty-four years old and do not drink coffee makes me just as much of a nerd now as I was back when I wore maroon knee socks to the first day of eighth grade. [Read more…] about Coffee Is The New Black