Thirteen Funny Newspaper Headlines1. Police Suspicious After Body Found In Graveyard.2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say.

3. Miners Refuse To Work After Death.

4. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

5. Male Infertility Can Be Passed Onto Children.

6. Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptibly In The Military During Wartime.

7. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.

8. Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case.

9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands.

10. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.

11. War Dims Hope For Peace.

12. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

13. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space.

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price


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Thirteen Sites I Really Like

1. Cafe Entrepreneur

2. Mighty Maggie

3. 28 Years Later

4. Square Peg People

5. Musings From The Edge

6. Bone Sigh Arts

7. Julie Unplugged

8. Artella

9. Denise Mihalik(who took the picture of me that is on my blog header)

10. Christina’s Shoebox

11. Baggage That Goes With Mine

12. A Flyover Blog

Editor’s Note: OK, I knew I was bad at math, but I had no idea that I’d lost my ability to count! Here’s #13:

13. Miss Britt


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Favorite Lines From Comedian Jim Gaffigan, from his album “Beyond The Pale”

1. I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network.

“What are you watching?”

“Uh, uh, the Food Network.”

“Well why are your pants off?”

“I, I like food?” “A lot?”

2. When did we have to become members of all these grocery stores?

“Are you a member of our secret club?”

“Uh, I’m just getting Doritos.”

“Well that’ll be $4,000.00. Or you can join our club.”

“I can’t come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I’ll join.”

3. I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy.

“Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ‘em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.”

4. But really, we’re a country that loves food. I mean, think about it. Once a week on the news there’s a piece on American obesity. They always show a big guy walking, they’ll block out his face. But that guy knows it’s him.

“Well that shirt looks familiar…oh, crap! Can’t wear that shirt again.”

Poor guy gets to work: “Hey Bill! Saw your fat ass on the news!”

5. And we’re never satisfied when it comes to food.

“You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”

6. We want our food fast too, don’t we? That’s why we really love those value meals. You just have to say a number.

“2!”

Soon you won’t even have to speak; it’ll just be a noise.

“Ugh.”

“Uuu-ggg-hhh!”

“All right, I’ll supersize it!”

7. Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.

8. We’re lazy about our food. We have people deliver it to us.

“Yeah, I like your food, uh, just not enough to go down there and get it.”

And we’re getting lazier. It’s just a matter of time:

“Yeah I want delivery, and I’m gonna need someone to feed me. No, no I’ll be in the tub. Yeah, key is under the mat.”

9. Here’s something fun to do the next time you get delivery: treat the delivery guy like he’s your waiter.

“Hey, thanks a lot. Can you do something about the music in here? And I could go for some more ice water.”

10. Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.”

11. Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

12. Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat.

“Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?”

“We do that every day!”

“Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”

13. When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They’re like, “Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?” Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can’t even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, “Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?”

“Uh, all right.”

“OK, enjoy your magic salad.”

“Ooh, I didn’t know I was getting a magic salad.”


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Thirteen Quotes From “Dirty Jobs”I love the show “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe. My favorite episode is the one where Mike goes to California to work on an ostrich farm. The following are quotes of dialogue between Doug, the actual ostrich farmer, and Mike (not so much an ostrich farmer).1. Doug: Ok, we’re gonna go feed ’em. Watch out for the big black ones.Mike: The big black ones are the males.Doug: Yeah.Mike: They’ll kick ya.

Doug: Uh…and the females…they uh…like to bite.

2. Mike: Why does the ostrich vomit in its drinking water?

Doug: I have no idea why they do that. I think to probably clean their palate?

3. Mike is cleaning out the ostriches water bowls.

Mike: I can’t quite identify the odor.

Doug: It’s unique.

Mike: It’s not crap…which I’m familiar with. It’s something else.

4.Doug: Gives a long explanation about how ostriches dig out their nests, lay their eggs, etc.

Ostrich: Interrupts Doug by stepping on one of its own eggs.

Doug: Ah, shoot.

5.Mike (on seeing the ostrich smash its own egg): They must have very tiny brains, no?

Doug: Ah, about the size of a walnut.

Mike: Their brains are smaller than their eyes.

Ostrich: Bites them.

Now it’s time to collect the eggs.

6.Doug: Now go over there and ask her nice to get up off of those eggs.

Mike: Hey, cupcake. I need your eggs.

Ostrich: Hisses.

Mike: She’s hissin’ at me.

Doug: That’s right. Talk nice.

Mike: Hey, sweetie. Me and Doug were thinkin’ we could maybe run off with your ovum.

Now, in some of the very best moments of television ever filmed, it is time to capture, hood, and herd a group of ostriches onto a horse trailer.

7. Mike listens to Doug’s explanation.

Mike: Well how hard can that be?

The rest of the entire known Universe: Mwaaahaaahaaa!

8. Doug (to Mike): Ok, so you do the grabbing and the hooding.

Mike: OK.

Doug: And I’ll do the pushing.

Steve (with completely unconcealed glee at what is about to transpire): And I’ll operate the door.

Doug: And Steve’ll operate the door.

Mike (ironically): Ok. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

9. Doug: There’s that guy over there. He’s a big guy.

Doug (who clearly cannot wait to see what happens next): Walk up and grab it.

10. The ostriches: are seriously pissed off.

The men: approach the group to try and capture one.

Their target: Protests by hurling its entire 250-pound body into the tiny metal fence, which buckles severely under the ostrich’s hostile bulk.

11. Mike (in a futile attempt to hood an ostrich): Now just be cool dude.

12. Doug (as he and Mike are herding a hooded ostrich into the horse trailer): Got a wing…and a tail?

Mike: A wing and a prayer is what I’ve got.

13. Mike (A LOT): Please don’t kill me.

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Thirteen Things I Find Myself Saying With Alarming Frequency

1. Ew, Pip’s making out with my chair again.

2. Tigger, you have PLENTY of food!

3. The couch/the carpet/my leg is NOT a scratching post!

4. Pip, get your head out of my shoe!

5. And you better not have left anything gross behind!

6. Tigger, stop humping Pip!

7. You don’t even have those parts anymore, dude!

8. Tiggers DO NOT go in washing machines.

9. Um, hello, you’re not supposed to be up here.

10. PPBBLLFFTT! (Cat ass in the face.)

11. Are the aliens poking you guys with sticks again?

12. Tigger, what did I say about bringing lizards inside the house?

13. Ow! Your tiny claws are very painful!

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Thirteen Things I Want To Say To Nick Lachey

For some reason whenever I hear his song, "What's Left Of Me", I get really

cranky and I just want to go and give him a piece of my mind.

1."Watched my life pass me by -- in the rearview mirror"
2. Yeah, it must be so tough to spend all your time
with one gorgeous woman after another.
3. "Pictures frozen in time -- are becoming clearer"
4. Really? Like how you maybe should have noticed a long time ago
the Giant Red Flag Of Warning that is Joe Simpson's
obsession with his own daughter?
5. "I don't wanna waste another day -- stuck in the shadow of my mistakes"
6. Um, like marrying a girl who had absolutely no clue whatsoever
how to function as an adult or take care of herself? Needy much?
7. "Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be "
8. Yeah, I bet you are.
9. "But you can have -- what's left of me."
10. What?! Seriously? You're offering me your
bloody, broken, beaten down carcass?
11. And I'm supposed to be enticed into thinking
that this is something completely irresistible?
12. "Take what's left of this man/Make me whole once again"
13. Um, no thanks. Take the responsibility for FIXING YOURSELF FIRST
(Hello! Don't be all co-dependent like Jessica here!), and then we'll talk.
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Thirteen Quotes From “Friends”Before we get to my list, I just want to note that my second podcast is up. It is entitled, “A Tale of Two Spouses”, and you can listen to it here.

1. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her [Rachel]. It’s her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?
(from The Pilot)

2. Chandler (RE:TV): Oh, I think this is the episode of Three’s Company where there’s some kind of misunderstanding.
(from The One With The Sonogram At The End)

3. Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking’s cool and you know it.
(from The One With The Thumb)

4. Monica: Joey. What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I’d probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey. (ENUNCIATING) Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I’m sorry.
(from The One With George Stephanopoulos)

5. Phoebe and Chandler are at Central Perk together, waiting to break up with their significant others.
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: That’s great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe: Eehh! I don’t want to do that.
(from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent)

6. Monica: Mom already called this morning. Just to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know that my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it’s all I can think about.
(from The One Where Nana Dies Twice)

7. Ross (at Carol and Susan’s apartment): Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don’t let you do it.
(from The One Where Underdog Gets Away)

8. Joey: Yeah, He’s gonna keep cheating on my ma, like she wanted. My ma’s gonna keep pretending that she doesn’t know, even though she does. And my little sister Tina can’t see her husband anymore ’cause he got a restraining order-which has nothing to do with anything, except I found out today.
Rachel: Wow.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Walton’s Mountain
(from The One With The Boobies)

9. Janice: By the way Chandler…I cut you out of all my pictures. So, if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Chandler: That’s okay.
Janice: Oh, are you sure? ‘Cause you could make little puppets and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
(from The One With The Candy Hearts)

10. Joey: Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today?
Phoebe: Ooo, ooo, fun. Liam Neeson! Morley Safer! The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
(from The One With Two Parts, Part One)

11+. Rachel (WAVING A LETTER): I got an interview! I got an interview!
Phoebe/Monica: Oh my God! Where?
Rachel (WITH AWE): Saks. Fifth. Avenue.
Monica (HEARTFELT): Oh, Rachel.
Phoebe: It’s like the mother ship is calling you home.

Chandler (referring to Rachel): Could you want her more?
Ross (ALL INNOCENCE): Who?
Chandler: Dee, the sarcastic sister from What’s Happening!!

Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Uh, okay. The fifth dentist caved? Now they’re all recommending Trident?
(from The One With All The Poker)

12. Ross: And you know what the funny thing is, when this day is over, you get to go home with the baby-okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby’s father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There’s Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. There’s no…Lesbian Lover’s Day!
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover’s Day!
(from The One With The Birth)

13. Melanie (SNUGGLING UP TO JOEY): There is a little child inside this man.
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.
(from The One Where Rachel Finds Out)

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