Favorite Lines From Comedian Jim Gaffigan, from his album “Beyond The Pale”
1. I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network.
“What are you watching?”
“Uh, uh, the Food Network.”
“Well why are your pants off?”
“I, I like food?” “A lot?”
2. When did we have to become members of all these grocery stores?
“Are you a member of our secret club?”
“Uh, I’m just getting Doritos.”
“Well that’ll be $4,000.00. Or you can join our club.”
“I can’t come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I’ll join.”
3. I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy.
“Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat â€˜em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.”
4. But really, we’re a country that loves food. I mean, think about it. Once a week on the news there’s a piece on American obesity. They always show a big guy walking, they’ll block out his face. But that guy knows it’s him.
“Well that shirt looks familiar…oh, crap! Can’t wear that shirt again.”
Poor guy gets to work: “Hey Bill! Saw your fat ass on the news!”
5. And we’re never satisfied when it comes to food.
“You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”
6. We want our food fast too, don’t we? That’s why we really love those value meals. You just have to say a number.
Soon you won’t even have to speak; it’ll just be a noise.
“All right, I’ll supersize it!”
7. Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.
8. We’re lazy about our food. We have people deliver it to us.
“Yeah, I like your food, uh, just not enough to go down there and get it.”
And we’re getting lazier. It’s just a matter of time:
“Yeah I want delivery, and I’m gonna need someone to feed me. No, no I’ll be in the tub. Yeah, key is under the mat.”
9. Here’s something fun to do the next time you get delivery: treat the delivery guy like he’s your waiter.
“Hey, thanks a lot. Can you do something about the music in here? And I could go for some more ice water.”
10. Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.”
11. Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
12. Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat.
“Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?”
“We do that every day!”
“Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”
13. When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They’re like, “Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?” Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can’t even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, “Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?”
“Uh, all right.”
“OK, enjoy your magic salad.”
“Ooh, I didn’t know I was getting a magic salad.”
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