Favorite Lines From Comedian Jim Gaffigan, from his album “Beyond The Pale”
1. I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network.
“What are you watching?”
“Uh, uh, the Food Network.”
“Well why are your pants off?”
“I, I like food?” “A lot?”
2. When did we have to become members of all these grocery stores?
“Are you a member of our secret club?”
“Uh, I’m just getting Doritos.”
“Well that’ll be $4,000.00. Or you can join our club.”
“I can’t come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I’ll join.”
3. I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy.
“Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat â€˜em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.”
4. But really, we’re a country that loves food. I mean, think about it. Once a week on the news there’s a piece on American obesity. They always show a big guy walking, they’ll block out his face. But that guy knows it’s him.
“Well that shirt looks familiar…oh, crap! Can’t wear that shirt again.”
Poor guy gets to work: “Hey Bill! Saw your fat ass on the news!”
5. And we’re never satisfied when it comes to food.
“You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”
6. We want our food fast too, don’t we? That’s why we really love those value meals. You just have to say a number.
Soon you won’t even have to speak; it’ll just be a noise.
“All right, I’ll supersize it!”
7. Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.
8. We’re lazy about our food. We have people deliver it to us.
“Yeah, I like your food, uh, just not enough to go down there and get it.”
And we’re getting lazier. It’s just a matter of time:
“Yeah I want delivery, and I’m gonna need someone to feed me. No, no I’ll be in the tub. Yeah, key is under the mat.”
9. Here’s something fun to do the next time you get delivery: treat the delivery guy like he’s your waiter.
“Hey, thanks a lot. Can you do something about the music in here? And I could go for some more ice water.”
10. Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.”
11. Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
12. Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat.
“Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?”
“We do that every day!”
“Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”
13. When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They’re like, “Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?” Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can’t even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, “Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?”
“Uh, all right.”
“OK, enjoy your magic salad.”
“Ooh, I didn’t know I was getting a magic salad.”
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I have to check this comedian out…awesome!!
What a great idea for a TT! Many of them were really good and they made me smile. Thanks for brightening my day (and also for visiting my TT)!!
Thanks for the smile. It’s always needed during the day.
Mines up! Dont forget to vote on a name at
I’ve never heard of him but he does seem pretty funny! Happy TT!
The Food Network is total food porn. It’s sad!
So funny! We do seem to have an unhealthy obsession with food, don’t we? I loved the donut-ham-hamburger!
HA HA HA! This is excellent! Last night the news had a story on North Texas, and how except for Houston and Austin, we eat out more than any other place in the country. Including Manhattan. So many restaurants, and yet I’m tired of it all. But I will NEVER replace my buns (hamburger) with donuts!
Ok, that was hilarious. Love Jim Gaffigan!
Mine’s up! http://strangegypsy.typepad.com/
Oh, those are funny! I’ll have to check him out.
I’ve never heard this comedian before, but wow!! Too funny. 🙂
Thanks for visiting!
Wow! I had never heard of this comedian either – but those are FUNNY! I’m still smiling. I particularly liked #4. Great idea. My T13 is up.
LMBO!! Too funny!! I laughed so hard at #4 I woke my baby up!! Thanks for the laugh!!
i really needed the laughs today! thank you for sharing!
Oh my god this was totally pee your pants hilarious. We’ve actually called it food porn for quite some time. The music, the soft focus, you almost feel dirty when you are done. But its dirty in a good way….Happy TT!
Mary (Mert) says
Great list, I loved Beyond the Pale!
Hooooot Pock-ets! “Lean Pockets, I don’t even wanna know what’s in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: ‘Remove from box, place directly in toilet.’ Flush Pocket!” I think I actually spit my drink when he said that 😀
Thanks for visiting my TT.
that was great!! #5…it’s so true.
I love that Food Network porn too… hehe
Thanks for the laugh this morning. I love #2. So true! LOL
11 & 12 – too funny! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
And thanks for visiting my TT!
N. Mallory says
There’s this morning DJ in the South I used to listen to when I lived in New Orleans who happens to be that poor guy that CNN always shows walking through the Atlanta airport with his face blanked out whenever they talk about obesity. He said that it was like really early in the morning, it had been a really bad night, he had just thrown some ill-fitting, raggedy clothes on and they were hurrying through the airport. He looked terrible, his stomach was sticking out…and now there he is on National television every time CNN talks about obesity… poor guy.
At least he had a sense of humor about it though.
But that’s why I always dress well when I have to go to the airport now.
I don’t know him, but I like the lines! They made me a bit hungry though! 😉
Thanks for visiting my TT. Belated congrats on your 10th anniversary!
Gosh now I’m hungry. I do so love food. In fact, I’ll probably go down in history as the first FAT Siamese…
Very funny list!
DK Raymer says
Jenny, I might have hit the submit button by accident a moment ago. I am having one of those days! Anyway, I loved your list, especially the pancakes. What a hoot! I never watch the Food Channel any more because I am horribly allergic to garlic and it’s a staple in EVERYTHING, so I figure, what’s the point? I’ll only see recipes for things I will never make! I will count on you to watch it for me, and let me know if they actually cook something I can make! Thanks for stopping by, and have a great weekend.
hahaah i thought that was you saying all that stuff! then i saw the first comment and realized it was a comedian lolol!
I’ve never heard of this comedian before, but wow, every one of those was hilarious!! Great list 🙂
Thanks for the visit today!
I don’t know how I missed you on Thursday, but I’m glad I caught up with you today, I needed the laughs, being Monday and all! Thanks! Those were great, especially the one about joining a club, and I don’t know why, but everytime I watch Food Network, at any time during the day, it makes me so hungry!