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And Then My Head Exploded

June 6, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

My husband and I spent this afternoon running around, doing errands. As we were driving down the road, sun shining, breezes blowing, he began to speak.

“I saw,” he began thoughtfully, “as tastefully as something like this could be done, someone playing the kazoo with their vagina.”

Me: …………

Me: ———

Me: “WHAT?! WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!”

“Hey!” he protested, “I saw it on a talent show. It’s not like this was some dark, hidden corner of the Internet. This was on TV!”

“I have no idea what to say to that,” I told him, as I watched all the pieces of my brain float out the window and land on the side of the road.

“And it’s not like it was some kind of trashy, trailer-park woman, either,” he continued. “You know, it was a nice, well-dressed woman-someone you might see in church.”

And then I thought for a few minutes, about how long it’s been since we’ve been to any church, about how even the idea of church makes me feel as though I’m breaking out in hives, and about my problems with the whole concept of organized religion in general.

“You know,” I said thoughtfully, “that would be a church I might actually attend.”

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, Partners In Fun, The Perfect Blend, These Are The Days Of My Life

Week In Review

May 10, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Sunday

If I ever need to get a clog out of my computer, this will be why.

Tuesday

What is it about barfing that then makes my cats want nothing but to physically express their love for me directly on my face?

Wednesday

I just put out a burning ember with my finger. How did I think that would not end badly for me?

Dear predictive typing: why on earth would I be trying to say “Holy shut”?

Me: Is it fixable? My husband: Probably not. Me: (crushed). My husband: But that doesn’t mean there’s not a workaround. ENGINEERS ROCK!

Thursday

Someone at a NY TGI Friday’s found a SEVERED SNAKE HEAD in their dinner, and now I can never go out to eat again FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Husband’s arrival just interrupted strange cats having sex in our garage. Was unaware that I was running a feline brothel. Honest.

Sunday

I’m very sad to report that magical thinking does NOT work, and that I STILL have fibromyalgia. F@#$.

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: twitter

Life

May 7, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Having fibromyalgia, which needs to be treated with Lyrica, which drastically reduces your pain (AWESOME!), but which also causes quite a bit of swelling (LESS AWESOME), which causes quite a bit of pain (NOT AT ALL AWESOME), which necessitates fucking with tweaking the Lyrica, which could take you all the way back to square one, which truly makes you question the idea that there is any kind of benevolent force in charge of the universe AT ALL.

There seriously needs to be some kind of Universe Official whose nuts you can punch on days like these.

Filed Under: It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick, These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: chronic-illness, fibromyalgia

Week In Review A La Twitter

May 3, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

Sunday

The zipper refuses to stay up on my new shorts. Nothing like finding out you’ve just bought yourself a new pair of slutty pants.

Monday

My Relentless Emails Of Terror have triumphed victorious!, and husband’s business trip to Mexico has been canceled.

Feline pill pockets are my boyfriend.

Tuesday

Dear Future Me: Days with fibro pain are NOT the optimal times for “growing your business”.

Wednesday

Hey Lizard! I’m trying to help you live, but you’ve gotta meet me halfway here, and stop running TOWARDS my cat. That won’t end well for you

I just explained the concept of object pronouns IN Spanish AS the fibro meds kicked in AND made sense. I am a rock star .

Thursday

To my slutty pair of shorts: It’s just me and the cats here so it’s really not gonna do you any good to continue randomly unzipping yourself

Friday

As the school year draws to a close I must now take up the mantle of my summer job: Person Who Protects Porch Lizards From My Cat, Tigger.

Saturday

Just heard that next door neighbor’s BDay party includes a “reptile wrangler.” Because apparently, they hate me.

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: twitter

Cat Math

April 29, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

(number of cats in house)x(number of rooms in house)x(number of hours cats are denied access to the bedroom where you are blissfully slumbering)

divided by

(number of cat food pellets left in food bowl that they’re willing to eat)

multiplied by

(level of feline agitation)

equals

amount of anxiety barf to which you will awaken in the morning

Filed Under: CFG And The Laws Of Purr-modynamics, These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: living with cats

And What A Lovely Week It Was

April 26, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

Sunday

I hope no one’s counting on my random eye twitching to lead to some kind of rescue mission.If so this message system really needs some work

Monday

While extremely grateful for 12 pain-free days, am noticing alarming inverse relationship between increased health and decreased wittiness.

Tuesday

To My Left Hip: I’ve obviously angered you, and I’m very sorry. But the Hunchback-With-A-Severe-Limp thing REALLY isn’t working for me.

Wednesday

Does it reflect poorly on me that the cats’ breath could strip the pain off of our walls?

Thursday

If the economy tanks today, it’s probably because I’m experiencing my first dr.-appt.-free week since 2009 began.

Friday

To our financial adviser who will not STOP CALLING US: DUDE! We’re just not that into you. Stop embarrassing yourself already

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: twitter

The Week That Was

April 19, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Sunday

1:15pm Nothing says Easter like the dulcet tones of Norm Abrams and his dadoes.

Monday

7:44am Just woke up to FIFTH pain-free day in a row. WOO HOO!

Tuesday

12:59 pm Altho fully prepared 2 do so, happily it proved unnecessary to yell “No one is ever allowed to touch my cervix AGAIN!” 2 all of radiology.

4:58pm Me: How many JPG’s are equivalent to 7 MB’s? My husband: That’s like asking how many cars it takes to go 70 mph. Me: stupid math.

Wednesday

12:39pm Am currently experiencing my first pain-free week in at least 7 months. I’m speechless with gratitude.

12:46pm But lest I get too happy and fly away, leaving them without Their Feeder, the cats made sure to ground me with a big gift of ick.

Thursday

9:27am My eye has been twitching for the past 2 days; I wonder if someone is trying to send me a message in Morse Code. If so, it’s not working.

1:30pm Once again, I am completely out of Coke. How do I keep letting this happen?!

3:50pm Dear Bailey: Thanks for making me feel so loved when I pet you, by reacting as if I’m attempting to murder you with scalding, fiery acid.

Friday

4:22pm And in the running for Top 5 Most Useless Things In The Entire Freaking World: Cats, when you are trying to make a bed.

4:51pm An Important Note For My Husband: Despite what they obviously want you to believe, I do NOT spend all day torturing and starving our cats.

4:54pm An Important Note For Our Three Cats: Dudes! With all the tattling! Seriously-enough already!

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: twitter

How Far My Standards Have Fallen

April 16, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

Today I went to the spa where I get massages in order to undergo a foot bath/detox process. It’s very soothing, while at the same time extremely gross, as the water turns different colors depending on what toxins are pulled out of you.

However, I consider today to be a complete success because, unlike the last time I was there, none of the therapists walked by, looked at my water, and then yelled out, “I’m sorry, but that looks just like diarrhea!”

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life

Me, Twitter, And The Week That Was

April 12, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Sunday

10:22am If I hear again that “UNC doing well in the NCAA tourney makes ALL ACC schools look better”, the Demon Deacon and I are going on a rampage.

11:09am The taxes are done! The taxes are done! Time for a celebratory Coke!

7:01pm Dear Lane Bryant: We who are already buying Big Girls’ Clothes don’t need to wear rhinestone-embellished anything. Don’t make us feel worse.

Tuesday

10:46am I’m so flattered that Pip just brought me a toy that I’m completely ignoring her scratching the s&*^ out of the couch. I’m so easy.

12:13pm There is pollen everywhere, AND it’s snowing. I didn’t know that pollen and snow could co-exist without the earth exploding.

2:54pm Dear Atlanta Weather: Please pick a mood and stick with it. Sincerely, My Fibromyalgia.

Wednesday

1:18pm I will admit that, at least today, fibromyalgia has made me its bitch.

6:26pm Fed cats at 5. Two hours later, they allege said “feeding” never occurred.

Thursday

9:14am It seem that the Internet Gremlins have eaten my website. I hope it gives them unrelenting, fiery heartburn.

10:51am I think I just accidentally watched some bird porn. Remind me never to look out my windows again.

4:28pm I think it sort of defeats the purpose when a so-called “inspirational” quote makes you yell “Bite me!” at the top of your lungs.

5:41pm 6 separate incidences of cat barfs + 1 website hacked = complete justification for going out and spending some money

Friday

12:46pm Man, my cat could really use a Xanax right now. He’s not GETTING one, I’m just saying, is all.

Saturday

10:19am OK. Time to throw my gnarly, knotted-up body on the mercy of my massage therapist. Lucky her.

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: Add new tag, twitter

A Twittery Reflection On The Week That Was

April 5, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Sunday

11:06am Is it wrong that my new favorite phrase is now “testicle festival”?

8:02pm Forgot my BIL and SIL’s 1st anniversary. I wonder how long I can continue to play the “fibro” card for things like this.

Monday

2:01pm Just got an email discussing my 15th COLLEGE reunion. How the hell did that happen?!?!

5:27pm Apparently, the Universe does not want me to go a day without the gift of gross. Thanks, Universe.

Tuesday

9:00am I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve decided that it’s time for me to break up with “Bones”.

10:01am Dear Nicholas Cage: Please don’t accept any more movie roles requiring you to assume a Southern accent. Sincerely, My Nervous System.

3:20pm Am attempting to link Twitter and my phone. Apologies in advance if this causes the earth to explode.

Friday

9:17am There is no Coke in my house. How did this happen?!

9:49am Today is one of those days where it really sucks to be the only human in the house

10:56am They can’t drive, cook, clean their box, do taxes for me: why do we have cats, again?

11:25am Hypothetically speaking, has anyone else needed a Xanax before they could sit down and work on their taxes? I’m just asking for a friend 😛

Saturday

11:51am Am attempting to mind-map some writing ideas, but am distracted by the fact that my cat seems to be getting a buzz from my Sharpies.

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: twitter

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