Harnessing the healing power of snark
(With this post I believe that I have officially given up any remaining moral authority I might once have had to complain about anything that anyone else writes on their blog, ever. So, here we go!)
I’m not sure which of these is worse:
Finding a spot where one of the cats has barfed, or
Coming back later and finding it gone, knowing that neither my husband nor I have done anything to clean it up.
(It’s a very good thing that the cats are so cute!)
This weekend we had dinner with one of The Gamers, and somehow we got on the subject of next-door neighbors. I told her about Nearly Naked Smoker and she said, “When I was in high school our next door neighbor would come outside in his underwear to get the paper and yell at our school bus as it came down the street.”
“You would get arrested for doing that these days,” replied my husband.
“You can get arrested for delivering papers naked,” said our friend. “Ask my dad how he knows about that.”
(Important Side Note: Apparently, her dad is in charge of hiring people to deliver the newspaper.)
This particular friend has worked A Lot of retail jobs, and occasionally she pulls out a retail story to entertain us. The story she told us this weekend involved a friend of hers who was working in an electronics store one day when an elderly gentleman approached her and said, “Can I tell you something?”
“Um, does it have anything to do with this cell phone, sir?”
“No. I need to tell you that I’m a demon from hell. I see that you have red hair, so you must be a witch. You should come back to hell with me, and we could make it.”
“Uh, what about your wife?” (who was standing right there)
“She’s not one of us.”
My husband and I just went to the grocery store to buy some dessert. As we were standing in the ice cream aisle, perusing all the choices, we heard the high-pitched sound of a little boy talking to his dad. Neither one of us really paid any attention to it, until we noticed that it wasn’t stopping. So we both looked up at the exact same moment, just in time to hear him yell, “The witch, daddy, the witch!” over and over again. And he was pointing? Directly at me.
It’s that time again-time for anyone who has an article to share with the blogosphere to link to it here for all to see.
You don’t have to be a member of the Open Trackback Alliance to play. Just send a trackback from your post to this post, and it will magically appear above the comments. Happy Friday!
Yesterday my Lightly Nerdy side and my Grammar Snob met and collided in the reference aisle of Borders, and then, much like the Wonder Twins, combined and activated their powers to make me into even more of a dork than I already was.
I was looking for some new Spanish reference books (nerd alert #1, because it was just for fun), and I found a new book written by the Real Academia Española, “the institution responsible for regulating the Spanish language” (nerd alert #2-a whole institution dedicated to grammar-HOW COOL!) all about the correct use of spelling and punctuation in the Spanish language (nerd alert #3-HOW COOL! Can I please buy this RIGHT NOW?!)
Sometimes I am just stunned that other people agree to associate with me at all.
Thirteen Funny Newspaper Headlines1. Police Suspicious After Body Found In Graveyard.2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say.
3. Miners Refuse To Work After Death.
4. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.
5. Male Infertility Can Be Passed Onto Children.
6. Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptibly In The Military During Wartime.
7. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.
8. Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case.
9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands.
10. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.
11. War Dims Hope For Peace.
12. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
13. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space.
From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price
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Take (1) one cat who has figured out how to open the laundry room’s bi-fold doors.
Add (1) feather duster lying unguarded in the laundry room, and
Three (3) super destructive felines, angry about being left alone for the week,
and you will receive the following hysterical phone call while on vacation for the holidays:
“Oh my God! I just got to your house, and the floor is covered in feathers. I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure your cats have killed your bird!”
A couple of years ago my in-laws bought a home up in the mountains of North Carolina. They have slowly been re-doing it, but haven’t yet gotten to the upstairs bathroom, where the previous owners made the unfortunate choice to paper the walls entirely in sheet music from old show tunes.
I guess it does give you something to look at while you’re in there, but mostly it’s just kinda weird.
This week when we were up there for Thanksgiving, my husband drew my attention to a particular title to which he wanted me to pay special attention:
To which I replied, “Not once in our wedding ceremony did I ever utter the word ‘obey’ dude! And I have the video graphic evidence to prove it.”
Earlier in the week some friends and I were talking, and we were sharing all of the different things about ourselves that made us feel like the “black sheep” in our families. We each offered various examples of our “black sheep-ness” until one friend piped up with her contribution.
“Unless you’ve been arrested,” she told us, “unless you’ve seen prison, I win.”
