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Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

April 13, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 8 Comments

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Today I went back to the chiropractor to see if she could ungnarl my back any further. She decided to put me on this special machine with a fancy name. But truly it should be called The Rack, because that is what it is. They strap you into a harness and then pull the ends of your body in opposite directions, which results in tremendous pain and The Renewed Inability Of Your Legs To Support Your Own Body Weight.

I managed to stumble into a chair in the hallway, and I was firmly prepared to sit there for the rest of my life if it meant I never had to feel that much pain again. Unfortunately this meant that I overheard the entire conversation taking place between the therapist and the next patient on The Rack.

Patient: (Being Dramatic, with lots of moaning and groaning) “I think they should just take us all outside like they do with old horses and shoot us.”

Therapist: “Oh that reminds me of this piano recital I had when I was ten.”

Me: not really seeing the connection.

Therapist: “My piano teacher lived on a ranch out in the country, so after everyone finished performing they took us all outside, brought up a steer, and shot it right in the forehead while we all watched.”

Me: “EEWW!””

Therapist: (Not really seeming all that concerned.) Then they hoisted it up on a truck (I sort of tuned out right here because this part of the story involved very yucky things such as slicing open and things falling out.) Then we all walked by and touched it. And then we went back inside and had punch and cookies.”

Me: What?!The?!F*&@?!

Patient: “Or maybe they should just wring our necks.”

(Me: Dude! With the death wish!)

Therapist: “You know, that’s a lot harder to do than it looks. I had to wring a chicken’s neck one time so that I could feed it to my snake.”

Me: Why, God, why? Why did THIS have to be the moment when I lost the use of my legs?!

Therapist: “We used to feed it rabbits…”

Me: Dear God in heaven! Save me now!

Therapist: “…but you know, rabbits can fight back. They have really sharp claws, so the snake could get hurt.”

Me: Oh, heaven forbid the snake gets injured!

Therapist: “But the rabbits still have to be warm when you feed them to the snake.”

Me: What happened? Where the hell am I?

Therapist: “So we had to put the rabbits in a burlap bag [and do very bad things to them resulting in their death] before we gave them to the snake.”

Me: Holy Mother of God, that may be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I still can’t walk away! This day SUCKS!

Therapist: “So one day we decided to give it a chicken instead. We almost had to take the snake to the vet, because it took him 4 hours to get past the wings, and we were worried that he wouldn’t make it.”

Me: Seriously. Am I on drugs? Because if I’m not, I think I need to get some.

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, These Are The Days Of My Life, Wild Kingdom Tagged With: people say some weird shit

The Best Things I Heard This Weekend

December 3, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 14 Comments

This weekend we had dinner with one of The Gamers, and somehow we got on the subject of next-door neighbors. I told her about Nearly Naked Smoker and she said, “When I was in high school our next door neighbor would come outside in his underwear to get the paper and yell at our school bus as it came down the street.”

“You would get arrested for doing that these days,” replied my husband.

“You can get arrested for delivering papers naked,” said our friend. “Ask my dad how he knows about that.”

(Important Side Note: Apparently, her dad is in charge of hiring people to deliver the newspaper.)

This particular friend has worked A Lot of retail jobs, and occasionally she pulls out a retail story to entertain us. The story she told us this weekend involved a friend of hers who was working in an electronics store one day when an elderly gentleman approached her and said, “Can I tell you something?”

“Um, does it have anything to do with this cell phone, sir?”

“No. I need to tell you that I’m a demon from hell. I see that you have red hair, so you must be a witch. You should come back to hell with me, and we could make it.”

“Uh, what about your wife?” (who was standing right there)

“She’s not one of us.”

Filed Under: Labor Pains, Stupid Things People Do To Get Arrested Tagged With: people say some weird shit

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