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The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend

March 18, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

This past weekend my husband and I went out to lunch with some friends of ours who we hadn’t seen in a few months. One thing led to another, and eventually we got around to comparing pet stories. My husband was once again gloating about how, when we are asleep, the cats only harass me-never him-when one of our friends began to share her experience of feline harassment.

“I was sleeping over on a couch at a friend’s house one night, when all of a sudden her cat jumped up on my stomach and knocked the breath out of me. This cat must weigh at least 28 pounds-it’s belly drags on the floor. And also, it only has three legs-the fourth one is just a nub. So it jumps on you, and then falls over to one side because it’s missing a leg.”

We thought that was really funny. But not as funny as the fact that, “She also has a three-legged dog. They call it ‘Tripod’.”

Further investigation revealed that our friend had had even more intriguing animal adventures in her small, rural, Southern town. She told us that there is a main road that is paved, but that the rest of the roads are basically gravel and dirt.

“So one day I was driving down this road, and I turned the corner, and then I had to slam on my brakes because there was a bull in the middle of the road.”

“What?!” We were suitably stunned. And, truth be told, a tiny bit jealous. The most exotic animal we’ve ever seen around here was a fox.

“Yeah, and where I’m from it’s considered common courtesy when animals get loose to herd them back to their pens.”

“You had to herd a bull?!” Now we were concerned, as if the story were happening now, and it was up to us to save her from such a dangerous fate.

“Oh no, I didn’t get out of my car. But I have herded cows and sheep before.”

“Like, ‘hi, how’re you doing, and, oh, by the way, here’s your livestock’?”

“Pretty much.”

“Your town is AWESOME!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah,” she said. “I even had a tame deer once.”

“Oh, really-cool?!” Now we really were jealous.

“Yeah. It laid down on the grass next to me, and was letting me pet it and feed it. And then, all of a sudden, my mom shot it in the butt.”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah, it was just like a painting. The weather was gorgeous, the sun was shining down on the two of us, and we were enjoying our special bond. Then all of a sudden I heard my mom behind me, cocking a rifle, and then she just shot the deer right in the ass.”

“Why would she do something like that?!”

“I know! I was so upset, because of course the deer jumped up and ran away after that. So I burst into tears and as I was running by my mom to go and hide in the bathroom, I asked her why she did that.”

“And what did she say?”

“Because,” she said, in the voice of someone explaining the totally obvious, “it ate all my cucumbers!”

(Note to self: Never come between a middle-aged Southern woman and her produce.)

Filed Under: I Love Animals, People Do The Strangest Things, Wild Kingdom Tagged With: animals

The Scariest Thing I Heard This Weekend

September 28, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

came from a friend of ours who recently moved overseas, to a country which I will not name, but I will say that it is located in the Pacific Rim.

According to our friend:

“Stalking is an socially acceptable form of courtship here.”

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, People Do The Strangest Things

And Now, In Important Ass News

June 4, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Dutch man injures posterior in mooning accident

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, People Do The Strangest Things

Has It Really Come To This?

January 28, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

Last night the writer’s strike forced us prime time viewers to watch a program featuring

-the man who holds the record for Most Watermelons Smashed With Head

-and the man who holds the record for Most Bubbles Blown With Live Tarantula In Mouth

Help.

Filed Under: I Love TV, People Do The Strangest Things

And On A Lighter Note

August 1, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

A man, his blender, and the eternal question: Will It Blend?

Filed Under: CFG Shares Some Cool Stuff, People Do The Strangest Things

The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend

February 4, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 6 Comments

A friend of ours is hoping to be admitted into the Police Academy this spring. Last night she was describing some of the evaluations she will have to undergo.

“I’ll have to go through TASER certification,” (Apparently part of this training involves actually being tasered.)

“Will you have to get sprayed in the face with pepper spray too?” I asked, wincing.

“Yeah, but I’ve actually already done that,” she replied.

?!?!?!

“Well, one year my mom got me mace for Easter,” she began.

(Cosmic shrieking as the fabric of the Universe is ripped to shreds while trying to process that sentence.)

“She went to the police supply store and got two different sizes to put in my Easter basket.”

“Um…WHAT?!” my husband and I exclaimed when we were once again able to speak.

“Well, she wanted to make sure that I had one that I could carry in my purse, and one that I could wear on my arm when I went running.”

(Oh thank you so much for explaining and clearing that up for us. Because THAT was the part of the story that was tripping us up.)

Filed Under: Armed And Dangerous, CFG Says, What?!, People Do The Strangest Things Tagged With: police academy, police recruit

The Rest Of The Story

January 11, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

A few people have wondered about the rest of the “poo” related story from Saturday. And since I can’t think of a compelling topic for a Thursday Thirteen today (“Thirteen Theories On Why My Head Produces So Much Snot When I’m Sick”, “Thirteen Different Ways To Describe The Fiery Sore Throat Of Death”), I thought I’d write about this instead.

The friend who told us this story has recently become friends with a local police officer, and it was he who told her this story.

Apparently this police officer was called to be backup at an arrest. The subject in question was not happy about being arrested, and was also worried about what the police might find should they choose to search all of his stuff. So, in move that probably explains why he was being arrested in the first place, the subject decided to distract the police and came up with the brilliant plan of pooing on their shoes.

This, of course, only angered the police further, ensuring that they went over all of his stuff with a fine-toothed comb, and led to the discovery of many illegal substances.

When the subject was brought before the judge, in addition to all of the other charges that resulted from his possession of illegal substances, the officers tried to get him charged with aggravated assault, on account of the whole poo-ing thing. The judge would not give them that, since “poo is not a deadly weapon.” But he did give them felony battery because, as we would all most certainly agree, “that is just really gross.”

“And now,” to quote Paul Harvey, “you know the rest of the story.”

Filed Under: Armed And Dangerous, People Do The Strangest Things, Stupid Things People Do To Get Arrested Tagged With: Stupid Things People Do To Get Arrested

The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend

January 6, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

“Poo is not a deadly weapon,” said the judge.

(Excerpted from a true story.)

Filed Under: People Do The Strangest Things

Love, Honor, Behave

November 26, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 10 Comments

A couple of years ago my in-laws bought a home up in the mountains of North Carolina. They have slowly been re-doing it, but haven’t yet gotten to the upstairs bathroom, where the previous owners made the unfortunate choice to paper the walls entirely in sheet music from old show tunes.

bath

I guess it does give you something to look at while you’re in there, but mostly it’s just kinda weird.

This week when we were up there for Thanksgiving, my husband drew my attention to a particular title to which he wanted me to pay special attention:

behave

To which I replied, “Not once in our wedding ceremony did I ever utter the word ‘obey’ dude! And I have the video graphic evidence to prove it.”

Filed Under: People Do The Strangest Things Tagged With: funny stories, marriage

Even Though I’m Sad

October 22, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

I could not help but be cheered up just a little bit by the news that Florida’s Turkey Testicle Festival will be allowed to keep its name.

First, such a thing as a “testicle festival” actually exists? AWESOME!

Second, “testicle festival” is such a great rhyme.

And third, according to this article, “… more than 12 other cities…host annual events with the name ‘testicle’.”

How could that not make me feel at least a little better?

Filed Under: CFG Shares Some Cool Stuff, People Do The Strangest Things Tagged With: testicle festival

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