Needing three attempts to pass this test and learning that, according to this standard of measurement, you should still be in the third grade.
Archives for November 2006
Sometimes, The Universe Smiles
Today my husband called me into the living room to watch the video “White and Nerdy” by Weird Al. And before we go any further, you must stop whatever you are doing right now and watch this video, if only to see Donny Osmond perform the most hysterically awesome Nerdy White Man Dance in the entire history of time.
Then when the video finished, we proceeded to act out our own version of “Nerdy” right in our very own kitchen.
Me: “We need to do some laundry.”
My husband: “Do we have enough detergent?”
Me: “You told me that there was enough for one more load.”
My husband: (eyes me suspiciously)
My husband: “Oh that’s right, what was I thinking? You’ve been knocked out this whole week.”
And it was then that I understood. I have spent the past week recovering from pneumonia, and I have a really hard time being sick because I hate to be bored. So my husband was worried that, despite his prohibition on such activities, I’d snuck behind his back this week and performed housework. Because, sadly enough, that is what I do when I can no longer contain my inner rebel: I look for something to clean.
Me: “Don’t worry, dude. I promise I haven’t done any illicit loads of laundry this week.”
What Jesus Wants
Today dooce referenced a song that sent me flashing back to my early years. She mentions “trying to coax Leta into singing Mormon hymns over the phone one more time. Jesus, he wants her for a sunbeam”. I think that someone, somewhere must have decided that Jesus wants all young children for sunbeams, because I too sang that song, but as a (former) Baptist, not as a (former) Mormon.
However Jesus appears to be keeping up with the times, because yesterday he emailed me. And now, instead of wanting me “for a sunbeam, to shine for him each day”, he wants me to refinance our house with his mortgage company. “Our loan department is trying to reach you One Last Time since previous attempts to contact you all failed.” Apparently I missed the burning bush and the pillar of fire by night, so he had to resort to email.
The times, they are a-changing.
Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Elementary School Bulletin Boards
Yesterday, despite having what the doctor at the Urgent Care Center later described as, “possibly early pneumonia”, I went with my husband to vote. Our polling place is a local elementary school, and as we walked down the main corridor we saw a bulletin board celebrating the upcoming holidays.
This particular layout was dedicated to Thanksgiving. It was covered in traditional browns and oranges with a three-dimensional turkey in the center surrounded by paper plates, as if to resemble a table set for the big holiday meal. All of the paper plates had words written on them, instead of representations of food. Three of the plates had words you’d expect to find on a elementary school’s holiday bulletin board, things like “food”, “family”, and “fun”. But the fourth plate? The fourth plate was what made me stop dead in my tracks because on it was written the word, (and I swear I am not making this up), “DIABETES”.
Because nothing brings families together or says “Happy Thanksgiving!” like a shared fear that enjoying your favorite holiday meal will lead to an irreversible destruction of your body’s ability to produce and manage its own insulin.
Government By The People
Tonight in the car, on the way home from voting.
Me (to my husband): “What is eminent domain?”
My husband (so stunned that he physically recoils): “Did you take Civics?”
Me: “Ye-es.”
My husband (in a tone that clearly says, I cannot believe I let you sleep in my bed every night): “Do you watch the news?”
Me: “No. Could you please just answer my question without trying to make me feel bad?”
My husband: “Um, no, apparently not.”
A Tiny Moral Quandary
When we first moved into our house seven years ago, our next door neighbors were wonderfully welcoming. They lent us tools to use when we worked in the yard, they helped us repair our roof when the ice storm hit, and they brought us tons of freshly canned fruits and vegetables that they grew in their own backyard.
But as time went on we started seeing them, especially the man, less and less. He was already quite elderly when we met, and was suffering from a number of different health problems. And now it’s been about a year since I’ve actually seen him at all. So here’s my quandary: I think he might have died, but there is really no good way to find out whether or not that’s true. Because no matter how I’ve tried to formulate this question in my mind, it always comes out sounding like some variation of,”So, did the old fart finally kick the bucket”.
And what makes it worse is that I have seen a new man over there, quite frequently. And I can only assume that he lives there, because almost every time I’ve seen him he’s been standing outside the front door, smoking in his underwear. I’m not a smoker myself, but as far as I know being almost naked is not a regular part of smoking protocol. I have friends who smoke, and not once have I ever had a conversation with them that went like this:
My friend: “Hey, Jenny, do you mind if I go out on your porch and smoke a cigarette?”
Me: “No, not at all. Go right ahead.”
My friend: “OK, great, thanks. Just let me take me take off my pants.”
So there you go. Monica and Rachel had Ugly Naked Guy; we’ve got Nearly Naked Smoker. I can live with that.
Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: More Spam
It’s been really interesting to watch the progression that my various-and totally inappropriate-spam comments have undergone as spammers continue exploring new ways to get around our filters.
The spam I’ve been receiving lately has turned into a sort of twisted version of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts. I’m getting all these weird comments that wouldn’t even make sense in a fortune cookie-things like, “He who to you does an ill turn, you he’ll never forgive.”
Um, what?
It’s like all the spammers got together one day and said, “You know, I bet if we distract all our targets with a stunningly profound opening, they won’t even notice that the rest of our comment is composed entirely of random words we shot out of our patented, ‘Foul Phrase Generator’, plus eleventy-four thousand links to “adult” websites.”
Yeah, right.
And while we’re on the subject of spam, I did experience a karmically perfect moment the other day upon receiving one particular piece of spam. Because the sender? Was “ass”. (See: The Word Ass, My Irrational Love For)
Thursday Thirteen #12: Favorite Lines From Comedian Jim Gaffigan
Favorite Lines From Comedian Jim Gaffigan, from his album “Beyond The Pale”
1. I do love food. I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice that the food network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like, “This is stupid.” But when you’re hungry the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, whip it up baby. Make it for me.” It is a little embarrassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network.
“What are you watching?”
“Uh, uh, the Food Network.”
“Well why are your pants off?”
“I, I like food?” “A lot?”
2. When did we have to become members of all these grocery stores?
“Are you a member of our secret club?”
“Uh, I’m just getting Doritos.”
“Well that’ll be $4,000.00. Or you can join our club.”
“I can’t come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I’ll join.”
3. I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy.
“Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ‘em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.”
4. But really, we’re a country that loves food. I mean, think about it. Once a week on the news there’s a piece on American obesity. They always show a big guy walking, they’ll block out his face. But that guy knows it’s him.
“Well that shirt looks familiar…oh, crap! Can’t wear that shirt again.”
Poor guy gets to work: “Hey Bill! Saw your fat ass on the news!”
5. And we’re never satisfied when it comes to food.
“You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”
6. We want our food fast too, don’t we? That’s why we really love those value meals. You just have to say a number.
“2!”
Soon you won’t even have to speak; it’ll just be a noise.
“Ugh.”
“Uuu-ggg-hhh!”
“All right, I’ll supersize it!”
7. Delivery (of food) is really a combination of two of my favorite activities: eating, and not moving.
8. We’re lazy about our food. We have people deliver it to us.
“Yeah, I like your food, uh, just not enough to go down there and get it.”
And we’re getting lazier. It’s just a matter of time:
“Yeah I want delivery, and I’m gonna need someone to feed me. No, no I’ll be in the tub. Yeah, key is under the mat.”
9. Here’s something fun to do the next time you get delivery: treat the delivery guy like he’s your waiter.
“Hey, thanks a lot. Can you do something about the music in here? And I could go for some more ice water.”
10. Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.”
11. Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
12. Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat.
“Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?”
“We do that every day!”
“Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”
13. When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They’re like, “Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?” Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can’t even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, “Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?”
“Uh, all right.”
“OK, enjoy your magic salad.”
“Ooh, I didn’t know I was getting a magic salad.”
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