until your friend is describing to you how, when she went to visit her father recently, he announced,
“Hey, guess what? There was a skank on my front porch this morning!”
Why The Only Kids I Have Are Kids I Get To Give Back At The End Of The Day
Apparently I Am Just A Big, Giant Magnet For Randomness
Here’s what I mean.
This afternoon I went to Barnes & Noble to get a couple of books to read this weekend in between wedding festivities for my sister-in-law.
I put my choices down on the counter and smiled at the bookseller who I knew by sight, if not by name, owing to the fact that the bookstore is my second home. And here is how our conversation went.
Bookseller: “How are you doing today?”
Me: “Really well, thanks.”
Bookseller: “And did you find everything you were looking for?”
Me: “Oh, yes.”
Bookseller: “Actually, Tina…”
Me: WTF?!
Me: (noticing that he and I are the only two visible people at the counter.)
Me: (looking around surreptitiously to see if I had accidentally transported myself into a parallel universe where in fact I was Tina).
Bookseller: “…something like 80% of homicides are committed by men.”
Me: hoping, HOPING, that he’s not trying to send me some kind of message. Because, did I mention the fact that WE WERE ALONE?!
Me: (smiling, in an attempt to look as little like a potential homicide victim as possible.)
Bookseller: “And the rest are committed by women. Mostly as a result of infidelity.”
And this is why I spend my days with cats.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
A little while ago my husband and I played host to an out-of-town friend of ours. He had a layover in Atlanta, so we picked him up from the airport and hung out together for a few hours.
This friend has recently come out, and so we spent a lot of time talking about the issues he is facing, the effect all of this is having on his relationships, and how he appreciates having friends like us who are willing to talk about this with him.
After we’d hit all the relevant historical sites (read: IKEA) we were trying to decide where to go next.
“How about the Botanical Gardens?” suggested my husband.
“Ooh, great!” I agreed.
“Um, why are we going to a garden again,” asked our friend.
“Because we like to look at flowers,” I replied.
“Oh, geez!,” our friend retorted. “You guys are gay!”
Peace, love, and understanding, man. That’s what we are all about here.
I Don’t Think That’s Too Much To Ask From A Car
A Little Learnin’ Is A Dangerous Thing
Today I was talking with a woman who works in an elementary school about the effect of sex ed on one of her 5th graders.
Apparently he was causing problems in his classroom, so she pulled him into the hallway to ask him what was going on.
“I just can’t do my work today,” he declared dramatically.
“Well, why not?” she asked.
Confident in the unassailable excuse provided him by his newfound knowledge he replied, “Because of MY PUBERTY!”
Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
Today I was working out with my trainer and we got into a discussion about safety. Gym safety is very important to me, seeing as how my number one fitness goal is To Not Die. But after this conversation, I’m not sure that she and I are moving in the same direction as far as our goals go.
My Trainer: “Hey, did I ever tell you that that was the part of my certification exam that I failed?”
Me: “The safety part?”
My Trainer: “Yeah. You know how when you have a client who is short of breath and is showing signs of distress, how you’re supposed to be real careful and conservative with them?”
Me: “Yeah.”
My Trainer: “Well I didn’t do that. I killed ’em.”
Me (not really sure how to respond to that, attempting to unobtrusively gauge the distance between me and the nearest exit.)
My Trainer: “But you know, Jenny, the thing about failing is that you start to think, “‘Hm, maybe I shouldn’t kill people’.”
Me (totally on board with this, and wanting to encourage this train of thought as much as possible.): “I think that is an excellent motto for life.”
Apparently I Rub Off On Those Around Me
Today I had to go and see my chiropractor, AKA “She Who Healed Me Of Neck Pain”, because my back has been killing me lately.
I explained what was hurting me, got up on the table, and then heard her say something along the lines of “Holy COW!”
“What?”
“Your pants are really crooked. See, here (pushing in on one butt cheek) is the top of one pocket, and here (demonstrating on the other cheek) is the top of the other pocket.”
“Uh, sorry about that. Can you still help me with my back?”
“Yeah, but can you wear some level pants next time? This is really throwing me off.”
The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
This past weekend I went up to North Carolina to visit my family. I spent a night with my brother and sister-in-law who just got married last summer and are settling into their own domestic routine.
They talked about how they don’t really get out so much anymore, now that they’re married, and I said that the same thing had happened to me and my husband too. Then my sister-in-law said to my brother, “Ooh, tell Jenny what you got last weekend.”
“Oh yeah!” said my brother, brightening.
I looked at my brother expectantly, excited to hear what had gotten the two of them so excited.
“I got a new pair of nasal hair trimmers” my brother exclaimed. “It was the best Saturday night ever!”
Why My Gym Is Perfect For Me
My trainer: “OK, next you’re going to do this back machine.”
Me: “OK.”
My trainer: “So you sit here…”
Me: “Yeah”
My trainer: “…and you hold these handles…”
Me: “Uh huh”
My trainer: “…and make sure that your chest is pressed against this piece here.”
Me: “OK”
My trainer: “And if you’re ovulating, like I think I might be right now…”
Me: with a whiplash-inducing head whip in order to convey the very important message of, WTF?!
My trainer: “…then your nipples WILL hurt.”
Me: “Um..OK, thanks. That’s good to know.”
