Harnessing the healing power of snark
It’s time once again to feature all of your “must-read” blog posts. If you have a post you’d like to feature here, just send a trackback from your post to this post, and a link will automatically be created to showcase your writing. Please note that you do NOT have to be a member of the Open Trackback Alliance in order to participate. All bloggers (except for spammers) are welcome here!
It’s that time once again, to invite you to share any posts you’d like to highlight in the blogosphere. If you have a post you’d like others to read, just send a trackback from your post to this post on my site, and a link to your article will show up below.
My article is called Missed Communication, and describes a time when my mother and I had to buy something to bury my grandmother in. But from the conversation this was causing us to have in the middle of the store, we were expecting to be arrested at any moment.
Thirteen Quotes From “Dirty Jobs”I love the show “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe. My favorite episode is the one where Mike goes to California to work on an ostrich farm. The following are quotes of dialogue between Doug, the actual ostrich farmer, and Mike (not so much an ostrich farmer).1. Doug: Ok, we’re gonna go feed ’em. Watch out for the big black ones.Mike: The big black ones are the males.Doug: Yeah.Mike: They’ll kick ya.
Doug: Uh…and the females…they uh…like to bite.
2. Mike: Why does the ostrich vomit in its drinking water?
Doug: I have no idea why they do that. I think to probably clean their palate?
3. Mike is cleaning out the ostriches water bowls.
Mike: I can’t quite identify the odor.
Doug: It’s unique.
Mike: It’s not crap…which I’m familiar with. It’s something else.
4.Doug: Gives a long explanation about how ostriches dig out their nests, lay their eggs, etc.
Ostrich: Interrupts Doug by stepping on one of its own eggs.
Doug: Ah, shoot.
5.Mike (on seeing the ostrich smash its own egg): They must have very tiny brains, no?
Doug: Ah, about the size of a walnut.
Mike: Their brains are smaller than their eyes.
Ostrich: Bites them.
Now it’s time to collect the eggs.
6.Doug: Now go over there and ask her nice to get up off of those eggs.
Mike: Hey, cupcake. I need your eggs.
Ostrich: Hisses.
Mike: She’s hissin’ at me.
Doug: That’s right. Talk nice.
Mike: Hey, sweetie. Me and Doug were thinkin’ we could maybe run off with your ovum.
Now, in some of the very best moments of television ever filmed, it is time to capture, hood, and herd a group of ostriches onto a horse trailer.
7. Mike listens to Doug’s explanation.
Mike: Well how hard can that be?
The rest of the entire known Universe: Mwaaahaaahaaa!
8. Doug (to Mike): Ok, so you do the grabbing and the hooding.
Mike: OK.
Doug: And I’ll do the pushing.
Steve (with completely unconcealed glee at what is about to transpire): And I’ll operate the door.
Doug: And Steve’ll operate the door.
Mike (ironically): Ok. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.
9. Doug: There’s that guy over there. He’s a big guy.
Doug (who clearly cannot wait to see what happens next): Walk up and grab it.
10. The ostriches: are seriously pissed off.
The men: approach the group to try and capture one.
Their target: Protests by hurling its entire 250-pound body into the tiny metal fence, which buckles severely under the ostrich’s hostile bulk.
11. Mike (in a futile attempt to hood an ostrich): Now just be cool dude.
12. Doug (as he and Mike are herding a hooded ostrich into the horse trailer): Got a wing…and a tail?
Mike: A wing and a prayer is what I’ve got.
13. Mike (A LOT): Please don’t kill me.
(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
I’m a little late this week, but I do want to highlight this week’s edition of the Carnival which is being held at Of Noble Character.
My contribution is an article I wrote called, “Free At Last”, and describes my various (mis)adventures in camping, an activity I undertook in a misguided attempt to impress my husband back when we were first married.
Here is one thing I learned: “Helpful Hint: If you have never been camping before, I would HIGHLY recommend that your first trip not be with a troop of scouts, because any points you feel you have gained by being “a really cool wife” will quickly fade when you realize that, compared to everyone else on the trip including elementary school students, trail dogs, etc., you feel like a giant, incompetent wuss.”
In my continuing quest to experiment with new things here in the blogosphere, today I am hosting a post dedicated to open trackbacks. According to this description which I stole borrowed from Stingray: a blog for salty Christians,“The entire concept of having an open trackback is to encourage bloggers to showcase their best recent articles and give others a chance to click on the link and read them. By clicking on these links, you’ll get to know other people’s blogsites and other people will get to know your blogsite. Similarly, when others click on your link, they visit your site and get to read your post.” He also has a really good explanation of the whole trackback process here which I will not even BEGIN to try and explain to you because me+explanations of technology=WTF?!
So if you have a great article the rest of the cyber world needs to know about, please share it here.
And since this is my own personal blog, and I am nothing if not all about shameless self-promotion, I will kick things off with an article of my own that I would like to share. I wrote it last year when it seemed like everyone in the entire known world except for me was choosing to start a family, and it is entitled, “The Telltale Tock”
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| Thirteen Things I Find Myself Saying With Alarming Frequency |
1. Ew, Pip’s making out with my chair again.
2. Tigger, you have PLENTY of food!
3. The couch/the carpet/my leg is NOT a scratching post!
4. Pip, get your head out of my shoe!
5. And you better not have left anything gross behind!
6. Tigger, stop humping Pip!
7. You don’t even have those parts anymore, dude!
8. Tiggers DO NOT go in washing machines.
9. Um, hello, you’re not supposed to be up here.
10. PPBBLLFFTT! (Cat ass in the face.)
11. Are the aliens poking you guys with sticks again?
12. Tigger, what did I say about bringing lizards inside the house?
13. Ow! Your tiny claws are very painful!
(leave your link in comments, I'll add you here!)
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
Today’s edition of the Carnival Of Family Life is being held at Play Library.
My entry entitled, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, is a piece I wrote during a time when everyone around me was telling me WAY TOO MUCH about things I preferred not know about. Like, “Well since I’m here checking your basement for rats, let me vomit up every single piece of information I ever learned in rat catching school for your listening enjoyment.” Ugh!
Thirteen Things I Want To Say To Nick Lachey
For some reason whenever I hear his song, "What's Left Of Me", I get really
cranky and I just want to go and give him a piece of my mind.
1."Watched my life pass me by -- in the rearview mirror"2. Yeah, it must be so tough to spend all your timewith one gorgeous woman after another.3. "Pictures frozen in time -- are becoming clearer"4. Really? Like how you maybe should have noticed a long time agothe Giant Red Flag Of Warning that is Joe Simpson'sobsession with his own daughter?5. "I don't wanna waste another day -- stuck in the shadow of my mistakes"6. Um, like marrying a girl who had absolutely no clue whatsoeverhow to function as an adult or take care of herself? Needy much?7. "Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be "8. Yeah, I bet you are.9. "But you can have -- what's left of me."10. What?! Seriously? You're offering me yourbloody, broken, beaten down carcass?11. And I'm supposed to be enticed into thinkingthat this is something completely irresistible?12. "Take what's left of this man/Make me whole once again"13. Um, no thanks. Take the responsibility for FIXING YOURSELF FIRST(Hello! Don't be all co-dependent like Jessica here!), and then we'll talk.(Leave your link in comments, I'll add you here!)Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Today at Be A Good Dad you can find the latest installment of the Carnival Of Family Life.
Blog carnivals are one of the things I am experimenting with, along with the Thursday Thirteen meme and podcasting, to try and increase traffic to my blog. (Up next: begging, pleading, and bribes.)
You can click here to read my entry in the carnival. I’m going over to “Be A Good Dad” now to check out the other participants, and I’ll update this post later to let you know about all the good stuff I find over there.
(PS-Sorry this is not up to my usual witty standards. But the dentist’s office just called to remind me that I have another hour-and-a-half appointment tomorrow (in addition to the hour-and-a-half appointment I had last Friday) where I will be the lucky recipient of some more Poking With Sticks. Ugh.
**Update**
Check out this post at Be A Good Dad entitled, “If We Bought Our Children From iTunes”. On the downside: “You and all of your friends will all have the exact same kids.” But, on the bright side: “we’ll be able to hit pause anytime we need a break.”
And check out this post for a funny tale of how a 6 year old upstaged her dad during an F-14 training simulation.
And go here to read about a mom’s efforts to understand the latest strategy her kids have developed in order to totally blow her mind. “Just the other day, I made a concerted effort to get inside the mind of my children and finally discover the truth behind this strange phenomenon. While sitting at my desk, I stared at a simple pencil. It was just lying there, alone and neglected, frequently passed over for the keyboard. I figured that if I stared at it long enough, maybe I too would feel the primal urge to chew on its soft wood or gnaw on the gummy eraser. So I continued to stare. After about 40 seconds, the pencil rolled off the table, perhaps in an effort to save itself from potential consumption. And, I concluded that I was the one who needed therapy.”
And here you can read a post entitled, “Thinking about selling one on ebay”, where a man describes holding down the fort while his wife recovers from surgery. “As she’s recovering from the C-section birth, I’m charged with everything else. At least I don’t have to breast-feed, that would suck.”
Ooh, score! I discovered a new humorist here
Thirteen Quotes From “Friends”Before we get to my list, I just want to note that my second podcast is up. It is entitled, “A Tale of Two Spouses”, and you can listen to it here.
1. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her [Rachel]. It’s her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?
(from The Pilot)
2. Chandler (RE:TV): Oh, I think this is the episode of Three’s Company where there’s some kind of misunderstanding.
(from The One With The Sonogram At The End)
3. Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking’s cool and you know it.
(from The One With The Thumb)
4. Monica: Joey. What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I’d probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey. (ENUNCIATING) Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I’m sorry.
(from The One With George Stephanopoulos)
5. Phoebe and Chandler are at Central Perk together, waiting to break up with their significant others.
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: That’s great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe: Eehh! I don’t want to do that.
(from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent)
6. Monica: Mom already called this morning. Just to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know that my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it’s all I can think about.
(from The One Where Nana Dies Twice)
7. Ross (at Carol and Susan’s apartment): Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don’t let you do it.
(from The One Where Underdog Gets Away)
8. Joey: Yeah, He’s gonna keep cheating on my ma, like she wanted. My ma’s gonna keep pretending that she doesn’t know, even though she does. And my little sister Tina can’t see her husband anymore ’cause he got a restraining order-which has nothing to do with anything, except I found out today.
Rachel: Wow.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Walton’s Mountain
(from The One With The Boobies)
9. Janice: By the way Chandler…I cut you out of all my pictures. So, if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Chandler: That’s okay.
Janice: Oh, are you sure? ‘Cause you could make little puppets and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
(from The One With The Candy Hearts)
10. Joey: Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today?
Phoebe: Ooo, ooo, fun. Liam Neeson! Morley Safer! The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
(from The One With Two Parts, Part One)
11+. Rachel (WAVING A LETTER): I got an interview! I got an interview!
Phoebe/Monica: Oh my God! Where?
Rachel (WITH AWE): Saks. Fifth. Avenue.
Monica (HEARTFELT): Oh, Rachel.
Phoebe: It’s like the mother ship is calling you home.
Chandler (referring to Rachel): Could you want her more?
Ross (ALL INNOCENCE): Who?
Chandler: Dee, the sarcastic sister from What’s Happening!!
Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Uh, okay. The fifth dentist caved? Now they’re all recommending Trident?
(from The One With All The Poker)
12. Ross: And you know what the funny thing is, when this day is over, you get to go home with the baby-okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby’s father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There’s Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. There’s no…Lesbian Lover’s Day!
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover’s Day!
(from The One With The Birth)
13. Melanie (SNUGGLING UP TO JOEY): There is a little child inside this man.
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.
(from The One Where Rachel Finds Out)
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
