Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

9 Days To Go

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I think for me, the most interesting thing about taking this stand-up comedy class, besides the process of learning how to write spoken humor that will actually make people laugh, has been all of the personality “buttons” that this experience has pushed in me.

And so, being who I am, I decided that it wasn’t enough that I had to-in just 6 weeks-learn how to get up in front of 281 people and deliver a 4-minute, funny, stand-up comedy routine. I decided that this would also be The Perfect Time to take apart various pieces of my psyche, mess around with them for a while, and then attempt to put all the pieces of my mind back together again. Because really-who wouldn‘t?

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Using My Powers For Good-Or Maybe Not So Much

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Yesterday I saw a young teenage friend of mine, and at the end of our visit she asked if she could write on my hand. I’ve seen a lot of my tutoring students do this, and I was so excited that apparently I was considered “cool enough” by a 15-year-old to become a part of the Ink-“Tattoos”-On-Your-Hand Club.

“OK, you can be The Pimp,” she said.

“Well, what are the other choices?”

“It’s either ‘Pimp’ or ‘Ho’.”

“Uh, yeah, OK, I’ll take ‘Pimp’.”

So here I am, exercising my positive influence over the younger generation, and once again using my powers for good.

tattoo

Armed And Dangerous, Continued

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A number of people have asked me why the friend with whom I was having lunch on Friday had her own personal arsenal in the backseat of her car.

She is actually a student of Kung Fu, and is about to test for her purple belt.

But the fun did not stop with an inventory of her lethally dangerous back seat. After she finished listing all the weapons with which we were vaguely familiar she told us, “I also used to have a [name of some unpronounceable Chinese weapon] that was really big. I named it My Little Brother but my friend [Important Side Note: a guy friend] told me I had to call it My Johnson.

So the next time I saw him I told him that I hadn’t had any time recently to practice with My Johnson. I totally cracked him up.”

And almost caused a major car accident as the three of us were driving back from lunch at the time, and explosive, convulsive laughter tends to impair one’s ability to drive in a straight line.

Best. Lunch. Ever.

Armed And Dangerous

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Today I went out to lunch with some friends, and we had the following conversation while deciding who was going to drive.

Friend 1 (to Friend 2): “So are we letting you drive?”

Friend 2: “Well I’m not riding in your car. I don’t want to accidentally sit on a dagger!”

Me: (doing a double-take, not quite sure I heard her correctly.)

Friend 1: “True. I do have about 3 in the backseat.”

Me: “Um, what?!”

Friend 1: “I also have a couple of double swords, a regular sword, and a spear.”

Me: “You’re like your own little Waco.”

Thursday Thirteen #22: 13 Malaprops From High School And College Music Exams

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Thirteen Malaprops From High School And College Music Examsfrom 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. Steven D. Price

  1. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.

  1. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

  1. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

  1. Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.

  1. The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

  1. A harp is a nude piano.

  1. A fugue was something the Hatfields and the McCoys had.

  1. Diatonic is a low-calorie soda.

  1. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

  1. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

  1. If they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

  1. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

  1. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.


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