Harnessing the healing power of snark
An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote, “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
All the females in the class wrote, “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Punctuation is powerful.
And don’t you know this just warmed the cockles of my little Grammar Snob heart.
Things have been a little topsy-turvy lately.
I have one more week left of “tapering off”, and then, for the first time in almost 14 years, I will no longer be on anti-depressants. YAY!
But in-between dealing with the side effects of getting off this medication I have also been dealing with the SURPRISE! Guess-what-I-found-hiding-underneath- once-I-worked-through-all-the-stuff-that-caused-the-depression- unexpected-additional-pop-up-feature?
That’s right. An EXTRA BONUS LAYER of triple-protection-strength ANXIETY. F*%@.
But then yesterday I was talking to an acquaintance of mine who felt inspired to share the following information with me:
“You know, I have all my jeans lined up in my closet going from my favorites to my least favorites. This pair is #4. Tomorrow, I’m wearing #1.”
And I no longer felt quite so alone.
Last weekend I attended the final day of a golf tournament, and as I stood just 12 feet away from the amazing physical specimen that is Tiger Woods as he teed off on the 18th hole, just a few short strokes away from winning the entire championship, I was vividly reminded once again that, as a golfer? I make a damn fine humor writer.
I have always had an a stormy relationship with golf, beginning with my first golf lesson at age 9 and continuing up through last Sunday, when I was unable to lend my full attention to the actual tournament play due to the unfortunate propensity of my pants to unzip at random times as I walked the course. Because nothing says class and sophistication like the occasional flash of your hoo-ha. (Unless you are a drunk, twenty-something college guy who thinks it is COMPLETELY appropriate to appear in public wearing brown, patchwork, vertically-plaided Bermuda shorts with a light green and white, horizontally striped, polo shirt. Holy. Hell. If there was ever an argument for allowing us everyday citizens to be armed with tiny, semi-poisonous blow dart guns, This. Was. It.)
Septic Tank Man: You know, you guys really need to think about switching toilet paper. You really need to be using something like [name of a brand]. You know-that stuff that’s just like sandpaper.
Me: Um, yeah, we’ll get right on that.
****
Veronica Mars, who is 19, apologizing to her father, the sheriff, for providing her friends with fake ID’s.
Veronica: I promise that from now on, I will only use the Mars powers for good and not for evil.
Keith (looking wistfully around their apartment): There’s never a stenographer around when you need one.
****
My dermatologist, after successfully removing a skin thing from directly under my right boobie.
The doctor: I’m not even gonna send this into the lab to be biopsied since it wasn’t in a bad place.
Me (to myself): As someone who is a DD, I would seriously have to disagree with you on that one.
As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I frequently find myself having hot, sweaty, lustful thoughts about cleaning products. The most recent object of my obsession has been this, the Sonic Scrubber.
Words truly cannot describe the joy I felt in my heart when I found this at my local Kroger and was able to purchase one of my very own. And then, for MANY days afterwards, the second my husband got home from work he would be accosted with up-to-the-minute reports of my progress in The Battle Against Soap Scum.
Meanwhile the rest of the world has been getting all caught up in that new book and movie called “The Secret”, which is all about learning how to understand and apply the Law Of Attraction to the various circumstances of your life. I was actually introduced to this about 5 years ago, but the recent press on this subject has made me think about what kind of changes or additions I’d like to make to my life.
So I took a little inventory of how things have been going, and then I had myself a little talk with the Universe.
Did I address such issues as money? Career? Relationships?
Nope.
“Universe,” I said, “I could sure use a bigger brush head for my Sonic Scrubber so that I could clean more of my shower in less time.”
And then, the next time I went to Kroger, what to my wondering eyes did appear?
Seriously? There might have been some drool.
But wait-the Universe wasn’t finished yet. Because a few days after that I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and I found THIS:
I couldn’t wait to get home and show this to my husband.
His response: “So, are you gonna take the other one back now?”
…
WHAT?! W-hh-yy would I ever do that?
“No,” I said, trying patiently to explain. “Because now? I have 8! Interchangeable! Heads!”
And people? The fact that all he did was sigh slightly and walk quietly away, leaving me to my passionate love affair with cleaning? That. Is love.
(This is a sticky post.)
I just learned that the awesomeness that is Oh, The Joys has nominated me for a Blogger’s Choice Award. Thank you so much!!
I have been nominated in the category of, “The Blogitzer”, an award which “will be presented to the blogger who demonstrates the best writing ability on his or her blog.”
The stats at the moment I am writing this post show the following: Dooce: 282 votes, “Using My Powers For Good”: 3 votes.
But I’m not really that upset because, Holy Cow!! I’ve been nominated in the same category as Dooce!!
And also, I have another cool button to add to my blog!!
I am very easily excited š
And so, if you feel like sharing a little blogging love, you can click on that cool little button and vote for me-maybe we can break into the double digits!
You can also vote for all your other favorite blogs while you’re there-there is no limit on the number of blogs you can vote for in each category.
Happy Thursday!
Last night my husband and I were watching the Mythbusters test the myth that diving underwater will protect you if someone is shooting at you.
As they were explaining the rig they were going to build that would allow them to shoot some ENORMOUS guns into water in the middle of Jamie’s shop, my husband paused the show (and let us all hail the awesomeness that is TIVO!) to share his thoughts on the matter.
My husband: You know, I bet they could just calculate that. They know what kind of drag the bullet has…
Me (interrupting, because I was kind of being bitchy last night): Dude, nobody wants to watch people just sitting around doing equations. People don’t tune in to see Mathbusters!
