Sunday

If I ever need to get a clog out of my computer, this will be why.

Tuesday

What is it about barfing that then makes my cats want nothing but to physically express their love for me directly on my face?

Wednesday

I just put out a burning ember with my finger. How did I think that would not end badly for me?

Dear predictive typing: why on earth would I be trying to say “Holy shut”?

Me: Is it fixable? My husband: Probably not. Me: (crushed). My husband: But that doesn’t mean there’s not a workaround. ENGINEERS ROCK!

Thursday

Someone at a NY TGI Friday’s found a SEVERED SNAKE HEAD in their dinner, and now I can never go out to eat again FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Husband’s arrival just interrupted strange cats having sex in our garage. Was unaware that I was running a feline brothel. Honest.

Sunday

I’m very sad to report that magical thinking does NOT work, and that I STILL have fibromyalgia. F@#$.

Sunday

The zipper refuses to stay up on my new shorts. Nothing like finding out you’ve just bought yourself a new pair of slutty pants.

Monday

My Relentless Emails Of Terror have triumphed victorious!, and husband’s business trip to Mexico has been canceled.

Feline pill pockets are my boyfriend.

Tuesday

Dear Future Me: Days with fibro pain are NOT the optimal times for “growing your business”.

Wednesday

Hey Lizard! I’m trying to help you live, but you’ve gotta meet me halfway here, and stop running TOWARDS my cat. That won’t end well for you

I just explained the concept of object pronouns IN Spanish AS the fibro meds kicked in AND made sense. I am a rock star .

Thursday

To my slutty pair of shorts: It’s just me and the cats here so it’s really not gonna do you any good to continue randomly unzipping yourself

Friday

As the school year draws to a close I must now take up the mantle of my summer job: Person Who Protects Porch Lizards From My Cat, Tigger.

Saturday

Just heard that next door neighbor’s BDay party includes a “reptile wrangler.” Because apparently, they hate me.

Sunday

I hope no one’s counting on my random eye twitching to lead to some kind of rescue mission.If so this message system really needs some work

Monday

While extremely grateful for 12 pain-free days, am noticing alarming inverse relationship between increased health and decreased wittiness.

Tuesday

To My Left Hip: I’ve obviously angered you, and I’m very sorry. But the Hunchback-With-A-Severe-Limp thing REALLY isn’t working for me.

Wednesday

Does it reflect poorly on me that the cats’ breath could strip the pain off of our walls?

Thursday

If the economy tanks today, it’s probably because I’m experiencing my first dr.-appt.-free week since 2009 began.

Friday

To our financial adviser who will not STOP CALLING US: DUDE! We’re just not that into you. Stop embarrassing yourself already

Sunday

1:15pm Nothing says Easter like the dulcet tones of Norm Abrams and his dadoes.

Monday

7:44am Just woke up to FIFTH pain-free day in a row. WOO HOO!

Tuesday

12:59 pm Altho fully prepared 2 do so, happily it proved unnecessary to yell “No one is ever allowed to touch my cervix AGAIN!” 2 all of radiology.

4:58pm Me: How many JPG’s are equivalent to 7 MB’s? My husband: That’s like asking how many cars it takes to go 70 mph. Me: stupid math.

Wednesday

12:39pm Am currently experiencing my first pain-free week in at least 7 months. I’m speechless with gratitude.

12:46pm But lest I get too happy and fly away, leaving them without Their Feeder, the cats made sure to ground me with a big gift of ick.

Thursday

9:27am My eye has been twitching for the past 2 days; I wonder if someone is trying to send me a message in Morse Code. If so, it’s not working.

1:30pm Once again, I am completely out of Coke. How do I keep letting this happen?!

3:50pm Dear Bailey: Thanks for making me feel so loved when I pet you, by reacting as if I’m attempting to murder you with scalding, fiery acid.

Friday

4:22pm And in the running for Top 5 Most Useless Things In The Entire Freaking World: Cats, when you are trying to make a bed.

4:51pm An Important Note For My Husband: Despite what they obviously want you to believe, I do NOT spend all day torturing and starving our cats.

4:54pm An Important Note For Our Three Cats: Dudes! With all the tattling! Seriously-enough already!

Sunday

11:06am Is it wrong that my new favorite phrase is now “testicle festival”?

8:02pm Forgot my BIL and SIL’s 1st anniversary. I wonder how long I can continue to play the “fibro” card for things like this.

Monday

2:01pm Just got an email discussing my 15th COLLEGE reunion. How the hell did that happen?!?!

5:27pm Apparently, the Universe does not want me to go a day without the gift of gross. Thanks, Universe.

Tuesday

9:00am I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve decided that it’s time for me to break up with “Bones”.

10:01am Dear Nicholas Cage: Please don’t accept any more movie roles requiring you to assume a Southern accent. Sincerely, My Nervous System.

3:20pm Am attempting to link Twitter and my phone. Apologies in advance if this causes the earth to explode.

Friday

9:17am There is no Coke in my house. How did this happen?!

9:49am Today is one of those days where it really sucks to be the only human in the house

10:56am They can’t drive, cook, clean their box, do taxes for me: why do we have cats, again?

11:25am Hypothetically speaking, has anyone else needed a Xanax before they could sit down and work on their taxes? I’m just asking for a friend 😛

Saturday

11:51am Am attempting to mind-map some writing ideas, but am distracted by the fact that my cat seems to be getting a buzz from my Sharpies.

1. Health, or Whatever Passes For It These Days

March 22

3:44 PM Dear fibromyalgia: Why do you continue finding new ways to make me suffer? What did I ever do to you?

March 24

8:47 AM When your doctor tells you he can work you in to aspirate your swollen knee, do yourself a favor and do NOT google “aspirate” ahead of time.

8:51 AM I’m sure the imaging people hear all kinds of dubious excuses , but I really DID have to call out sick from my mammogram today.Honest.

10:34 AM Went to the doctor for my knee, came out with a diagnosis of high blood pressure.

10:34 AM Also: last month doctor said it was best not to take pain meds if at all possible; this month he said I can take up to 6 a day. WTF?

11:03 AM So now I have to figure out how to go low-sodium. I wonder if there’s such a thing as low-salt salt?

March 25

11:24 AM Now that I have to monitor my sodium intake, I’ve discovered this: the world is not made of atoms; the world is made of salt.

2. The Cats, and Other Assorted Wildlife

March 22

7:45 PM After all these years I really should’ve known. Tigger didn’t want me for affection; he wanted me for food. Silly me.

March 25

5:03 PM Tigger, I’m going to have to stop referring to you as “The Smart One” if you continue to eat your own hair off of the floor.

March 26

8:03 AM I would really like to think that my life has a larger purpose than simply that of being Servant To Their Mighty Royal Feline Highnesses.

March 28

10:17 AM The ants are now swarming across the kitchen floor. Perhaps it’s time to move and just let them have the house.

3. Miscellaneous

March 23

1:45 PM Oh, Twitter “group” organizing option, how you do captivate and seduce my pink, puffy, OCD heart!

March 25

2:51 PM Am tattooing this to my forehead: “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.” — Charles Dickens

March 28

10:20 AM Well it’s taken a while, but happily I no longer want to punch all the characters from the “Dollhouse” in the face at the end of every show.

11:34 AM Oh Russell Stover Chocolate Maple Cream Easter Egg, once again I have succumbed to your siren song.

Fur Babies

March 17

8:04am Dear Tigger: Despite what you apparently believe, my office isn’t a playground for the expression of your wanton appetites of destruction.

3:48om Dear Pip: Despite popular belief, the guest bathroom counter does not exist solely for your barfing pleasure.

5:41 pm Dear Bailey: Despite what you may believe, splaying yourself across my desk while I am working will NOT result in an extra can of cat food.

March 19

7:34am Dear Bailey: Why do you think I want you to sleep on my pillow, next to my face, right after you’ve barfed all over the living room? I don’t.

March 21

5:20pm Pip, It’s creepy enough that you lick the top of my chair and rub your face in it in ecstasy. Could you at least wait until I’m OUT of the chair?

8:22pm We just bought a new kind of cat food, and now I cannot stop giggling over the phrase, “meaty bits.” Because I am twelve.

Wild Kingdom

March 17

8:09am I’m pretty sure DH’s wedding vows included “dealing with all bugs”; how did I get stuck with clearing the ant infestation from the tub?

March 18

8:26am Ants are attempting hostile takeover of tub. Baths are cornerstone of my fibro management program. This is going to end badly for someone.

March 19

11:42am Conflict Escalation Update: The Bug Guy has returned to unleash a massive blitzkrieg against the ants in my tub. Don’t mess with my tub!

March 20

9:14am Am worried by my joy as ants perish in the bathroom. Apparently my inner Genghis Khan is coming to the fore.

In Other News

March 15

12:31pm Have finally located some Thin Mints! This day just keeps getting better!

March 17

9:11am It’s official: I’m a knitting school dropout. My inner “Good Student” is not taking it well at all.

11:18am Mint /chocolate levels are restored to acceptable levels. But, I’ve learned there’s a GS cookie WAREHOUSE nearby. How strong can 1 woman be?

March 18

10:55am Running out of things to do to avoid having to schedule my first mammogram.

March 20

9:51am Note to self: Reading self-improvement articles when you’ve hit a 10 on the fibromyalgia pain scale is a REALLY bad idea.

4:12pm Just picked up replacement mirror for the one I broke by whacking it into the side of the garage. ‘Cuz I drive reel gud.

March 21

12:30 pm DH learned newly turned patch of earth is not final resting place of possibly murdered next door neighbor but prep for a tomato patch. Whew!

Knitting

March 10

4:26 pm My inner nerd is experiencing a severe identity crisis due to my need for remedial work in my sweater knitting class.

4:59 pm Bad: fibro flare-up today. Good: Am thinking that pain-medicine-intoxication will TOTALLY “spice up” my remedial knitting work.

March 12

11:39 am Sadly, not even pain meds PLUS Mark Harmon PLUS Mint Milanos can ease the pain of 20″ of off-white garter stitch.

11:40 am Is there such a thing as “sweater rage”? Because I seriously think I have it.

March 13

10:19 am Am wondering how many more physical ailments I’ll have to develop before I finally admit that the sweater knitting has defeated me.

12:11 pm My Embarrassingly Obvious Yet Hard-Won Insight of The Week: Hobbies should not drive you to any form of substance abuse.

Life’s Little Pleasures

March 8

5:32 pm Going out to locate some Girl Scout cookies. I think Thin Mints would help cure an earache, don’t you?

March 10

4:24 pm Still can’t find any freaking Girl Scouts! Am soothing my grief at the absence of Thin Mints with some Mint Milanos.

March 14

10: 57 am To the Girl Scout Troop in front of Kroger: Don’t try to foist off your inferior cookie selections on me-it’s Thin Mints or nothing at all!

Comment received on blog post from earlier in the week: “Interesting that while your area appears to have a deficit of Thin Mints, my daughter’s troop has a surplus. I’d offer to send a few boxes to you, but I suspect that would be like offering some Jack Daniels to an alcoholic.”

Miscellaneous

March 11

9:31 am Am starting my own drinking game based on number of times per day I have to yell, “Hey-that’s not a scratching post!”

March 13

8:54 am The bug guy is coming to spray our house this morning. This is the start of our 6th year together. Does that mean I need to get him a gift?

4:47 pm Can’t stop thinking that freshly turned patch of earth is where next door neighbor killed and buried his elderly mother. Damn NCIS!

March 14

4:03 pm Just attempted Dance of Shiva vertical arms, and have now impaled myself on my own elbows.

The Perfect Finish To The Weekend

March 15

1:10 pm Just returned from lunch where I heard a story that started with, “One time my mother shot a deer in the ass.” More on that later.