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Blog Fodder #11

February 15, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

Which is worse? Poor manners or poor grammar? Why?

OK, first of all I must tell you that my initial reaction to this question was TOTALLY that of a girl, meaning, “If I were going to gossip about someone who was committing one or the other of these faux pas, which one would get the most reaction out of my fellow magpies?”

And I must also tell you that, from my own personal experience, it’s pretty easy to get a reaction to a statement like, “Oh my gosh, can you BELIEVE that he just referred to his wife as ‘my servant’ in front of all their friends?!”*

But when you are on vacation at the beach and you flounce into your hotel room in regally high moral indignation and announce to your husband that in no way, under any circumstances whatsoever, will you condescend to eat at the “Western Sizzlin” because its name is composed entirely of adjectives and contains no proper nouns whatsoever (if you can even comprehend such an abominable travesty against grammar), well in that case you’re pretty much on your own. (Fortunately for him, he’d packed A Lot of tequila.)

But you see, this is where the danger lies-this is the top of a very slippery slope. Because just about everyone has at least some sense of what is and what isn’t appropriate behavior. But what no one is talking about are the incalculable examples of violence done EVERY DAY to English grammar.

Like the people who use “myself” as a subject and think that this makes them sound “extra specially edumacated”:

-“John and myself attended the meeting”. Really-“Myself attended the meeting”? Did you now? And did they then take the only sensible course of action and FIRE YOUR ASS so that all of the people formerly at the mercy of the barrage of your constant verbal and written assaults could finally be put out of their misery?

Or the people who use the subject “I” as the object of a preposition, and think they are being SO MUCH SMARTER than the rest of us peasants who couldn’t correctly conjugate a verb if it knocked us down in the street and then sat on our head:

-“They presented the report to Todd and I”. Really-“They presented the report to I“? And did it say, “Could you please learn a freakin’ grammar rule once in a while?!” Or at least sound out your sentences to see whether or not they make sense?

-Also bad: “They presented the report to Todd and myself.” Really? In that case, I have no choice but to smite you with my Condescending And Inappropriately Superior Attitude Of Someone Who Actually Knows How To Use Reflexive Pronouns. I’m sure you will now feel suitable chastened.

It can be very lonely at times, this walking the path of a Grammar Snob. But that is a price I’m willing to pay. Even if it occasionally means floating up from the brink of a nitrous-induced coma to inform my dentist (who incidentally is just about to poke me with The Smokin’ Hot Drill Of ‘Thank God For Novocaine Because Otherwise This Would Really Hurt’) that the saying actually describes “killing multiple birds with one stone”, not throwing multiple stones at one bird. (Because I may be Book Smart, but sometimes I’m Life Dumb.)

*This actually happened. (Not to me.)
**Man, can I work myself up into an absolute rant about nothing or what?! I’m good.

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog fodder, blog memes, grammar rules, grammar snob

Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

February 8, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 10 Comments

Thirteen Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

1. A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the
same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks,
“What does two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies, “Four.”
The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks
at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same
question, “What does two plus two equal?” The accountant says,
“On average, four — give or take 10 percent — but on average,
four.” Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the
same question, “What does two plus two equal?” The economist
gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the
interviewer, and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

2. Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn’t think he had a chance
of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he
bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of
manslaughter. The jury was out for over three days before eventually
returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared
the bribed juror and said: “Thanks. How ever did you manage it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “All the others wanted to acquit you.”

3. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt
for your fellow man,” the priest said. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk
muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he
had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t
mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,” the man said.”

4. An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s
routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots
of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why
don’t you try carrying several things at once?” “Did it save time?”
the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert.
“It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.

5. An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided
to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they
were not at home. The test was this: If the son took the money, he
would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest,
but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk. So the parents
hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his
pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, “Darn, it’s even worse than
I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!

[Read more…] about Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog memes, thursday thirteen

Blog Fodder #9

January 29, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 9 Comments

Name a sensory input(s) which trigger a mood change be it uplifting, depressing, poignancy or remind you of a past event or period in time.

For me that would have to be the smell of pine-every time I smell that it catapults me directly to Christmas, and the special holiday traditions that my family has built up over the years.

And if I were going to sum up the essence evoked by my own family’s holiday rituals in one word, that word would definitely have to be…”speed”. Here’s what I mean.

Take, for example, the cherished tradition of the Christmas tree. Sure, there are many people who go out immediately after Thanksgiving, comparison shop to find The Perfect Tree, lovingly position it in the best spot in the house, and then create beautiful holiday memories of decorating the tree filled with homemade foods, holiday music, warmth, and laughter. Not us. We prefer the thrill of the hunt. When Christmas trees are readily available at every home improvement store, grocery store, drug store, and church parking lot, well then we’re just not interested. Where is the challenge in that? But you just try and find a viable tree on Christmas Eve afternoon; that’ll get your adrenaline pumping.

[Read more…] about Blog Fodder #9

Filed Under: Holi-daze, Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog fodder, blog memes, christmas traditions

Blog Fodder #8

January 23, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 5 Comments

How does one handle work, home and family (or a combination thereof) without having a nervous breakdown?

I had to sit with this question for a couple of days, and then I ended up going back to my first, knee-jerk response which was, “I don’t.”

I have a very all-or-nothing personality, which was summed up perfectly once by a comment that my coach made to me.

“Jenny,” she said to me, “you do not have a dimmer switch. It’s like you’ll be sitting in a house, in the dark, with all the lights off. And then all of a sudden you’ll look around, notice that you’re in the dark, say, ‘Why the f*&# am I in the dark?!’, and then get up and flip on every single light in the entire house. So you’re either completely in the dark, or sitting there with all your lights ablaze. There’s no dimmer switch for you.”

That is so true. So to answer this question I will say that I don’t try to balance things, really. I’ll go all out on whatever catches my attention for a while-my blog, the house, Spanish lesson plans, etc. Then I’ll suddenly notice something else that isn’t getting done, drop whatever I’m working on, and focus on the new area full-throttle. I think the key for me is that I know this about myself, and I don’t judge it (so much :P) anymore.

Something else that’s helped me is a new definition of balance that I learned from Peter Reding and Marcia Collins, founders of Coach For Life (the training program I went through to become a Certified Life Coach.) They said to imagine that you are standing on one leg, with the other leg lifted off the ground. You are balancing while you do that, obviously, but that balance is not a static, once-for-all, never-changing thing. It is constantly being adjusted, even if just in small ways, by your body. It’s organic, and flowing, and changes as it needs to. So that is the view I take of balance now.

The final thing that helps me is that I also have a very highly developed inner drama queen, as well as a great sense of humor. So when I do get completely frazzled I re-align myself by making up a highly entertaining, and completely improbably story about what’s going to happen to me (“…and I’m going to end up living on the street in a box, and then die all alone.”) Then I laugh at myself, and am able to get back to a place where I can better deal with my life. So, no matter what, I’m never bored.

Read more responses here.

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog fodder, blog memes

Friday’s Feast #127

January 19, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 10 Comments

Appetizer: Which television shows do you just refuse to miss?

I always make time to watch NCIS, Veronica Mars, and Bones, in keeping with my secret dream life where I am a world-famous detective a la Sherlock Holmes, Miss Jane Marple, and Hercule Poirot.

Soup: Who did you last speak to on the telephone?

I try very hard not to talk on the telephone, as I am a confirmed phonophobiac. Electronic communications, however, are an entirely different story!

Salad: How many pillows do you keep on your bed?

My husband has one (excessively) soft pillow, (otherwise referred to-by me- as “air, held together by clouds”), I have a fantastic memory foam support pillow (otherwise referred to-by my husband-as “the brick”), and there’s one in the middle that marks the division between the two zones.

Main Course: Name one addition to your computer (software, hardware, etc.) that you’d love to have.

You’ll have to ask my husband. He is in charge of all technology for our relationship.

Dessert: What is your favorite foreign food?

Um…eggrolls. Does that count?

Dine For Yourself

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog memes, friday's feast

Thursday Thirteen #19: 13 Malaprops From Grade School, High School, and College Examinations

January 18, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 35 Comments


1. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis.

2. The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.

3. Sir Francis drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

4. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

5. Protons are found in both meat and electricity.

6. The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.

7. He worked in the government as a civil serpent.

8. The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.

9. A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

10. Homer wrote The Oddity.

11. Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

12. Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.

13. Be sure and put some of those neutrons on my salad.

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price


Links to other Thursday Thirteens!


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog memes, thursday thirteen

Blog Fodder #7

January 17, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

Which is more important: intelligence or common sense?

In my opinion, I think you can get in trouble if you go too far to the extreme in either direction. Here’s what I mean.

One day I was talking to a friend of mine who is very smart. During the conversation I mentioned to him that I consider myself to be kind of a “Renaissance Woman” in that I have a lot of different talents and interests. He replied that women didn’t actually do anything during the Renaissance. After gasping so hard that I nearly inhaled the contents of my entire office, I gently suggested that women might possibly have had more of a role in the shaping of our history than would be suggested by the traditional, “accepted” texts, and he went off on a rant against “revisionist” history, where clearly “revisionist” was a code word for “fascist, communist, anti-American, mother-hating, puppy-killing, Nazi brainwashing propaganda.”

So intelligence? Sure. But spouting remarks that will alienate half of the world’s population, especially when you are a single guy looking for a girlfriend? Not really that smart. [Read more…] about Blog Fodder #7

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog fodder, blog memes

Friday’s Feast #125

January 5, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 27 Comments

Appetizer: Which celebrity (or celebrities) do you think will make headlines this year?

I plan on increasing my own personal celebrity this year and expanding the use of my powers through humor. To that end I recently signed up with My Space as an artist so that I could upload and prominently feature my humor podcasts, which you can listen to here.

Soup: They say that good things come in small packages? What is something little that you think is great?

Coca-Cola. So much happiness packed into such a tiny red can.

Salad: Name a song that makes you want to dance.

Even though I have no idea what it’s talking about, I always want to dance whenever I hear “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall.

Main Course: What is your favorite font?

Um, I don’t really have one. I do have a favorite number, though-8. Actually it’s probably more of an obsession. Before I got married, both my first and last name had 8 letters in them. And I was born on the 8th of October.And whenever I’m listening to people speak, I’m always rearranging their words into groups of 8 syllables. Hm…perhaps I’ve shared too much.

Dessert: If you were to write a do-it-yourself article, what would it be about?

Actually, I did recently write an article about how to survive as a generalist, or as someone who is interested in everything, in a world of specialists and experts. And so to continue today’s theme of shameless self-promotion, and to give my friend Karen (who kindly included it in the humor section at her site) over at Square Peg People some link love, you can read it right here.

Dine For Yourself

Filed Under: Mmm Mmm Good Tagged With: blog memes, friday's feast

Blog Fodder #5

January 3, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 11 Comments

“Tell us something about your in-laws (funny, memories, etc.). If you don’t have any in-laws, pick a relative like siblings, parents, etc.”

I have the perfect story for this question, which you can read here in this post from last August. It is called, “Do You Think My In-Laws Are Trying To Tell Me Something?”

Here’s why I ask. My husband just called them because he just remembered that it was his dad’s birthday 2 days ago and we did not call or send a card and now we are totally on their *&%# list.

So he came out into my office after he got off the phone and he was wearing the face you’d expect on someone who has discovered that, even if you’ve been married for 10 years, and are a responsible, hard-working, law-abiding, home-owning grownup, you are never to old to be in big trouble with your parents.

Then he said, “My parents have a new pet.” So I thought that maybe he was looking down because their dog, Riley, had died.

But no. Riley is just fine. It was that he was responsible for breaking to me the news that, “They have adopted a snake.” (Snakes only being, to my mind, The Most Terrifying Things In Existence.)

Apparently they had some people working on their lawn, and these people brought them outside to show them the snake they’d found.

“We need to get rid of this snake,” said the lawn people. What an excellent response.

Other appropriate responses:

“Bring me the flame thrower!”

or, “Why the *%$@ don’t we have a flame thrower?!”

My father-in-law’s response? “Wait. Let me look that snake up on the Internet.”

Long story short, the snake is now living in a special snake spot in their backyard, almost directly touching the outside of the room that my husband and I stay in when we go to visit my in-laws. And I just can’t help wondering, is there a message in that for me?

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog fodder, blog memes, in-laws

Friday’s Feast #124

December 29, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 18 Comments

Appetizer: How do you usually celebrate on New Year’s Eve?

Well, let’s see. Up until about four years ago I celebrated by getting depressed and going into existential crisis. Last year I celebrated by contracting bronchitis. So this year, I’m seriously considering skipping New Year’s altogether. 😛

Soup: Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.

I became a (video) gamer. Also, wonderful people began leaving comments on my blog posts and creating a community, so I was no longer jibber jabbering out into empty cyber space 🙂

Salad: Where was your favorite place that you visited in 2006?

Physically, the Outer Banks (NC). Emotionally, the state of making peace with money, with my body and with my hair.

Main Course: What resolution is your top priority for 2007?

This year I will be focusing on developing, expanding, and improving my practice of the craft of humor.

Dessert: Using just three words, describe 2006.

Better than imagined!

Dine For Yourself

Filed Under: Memes ("Me! Me!s") Tagged With: blog memes, friday's feast

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