Thirteen Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

1. A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the
same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks,
“What does two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies, “Four.”
The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks
at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same
question, “What does two plus two equal?” The accountant says,
“On average, four — give or take 10 percent — but on average,
four.” Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the
same question, “What does two plus two equal?” The economist
gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the
interviewer, and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

2. Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn’t think he had a chance
of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he
bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of
manslaughter. The jury was out for over three days before eventually
returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared
the bribed juror and said: “Thanks. How ever did you manage it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “All the others wanted to acquit you.”

3. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt
for your fellow man,” the priest said. “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk
muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he
had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t
mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,” the man said.”

4. An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s
routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots
of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why
don’t you try carrying several things at once?” “Did it save time?”
the guy in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert.
“It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.

5. An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided
to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they
were not at home. The test was this: If the son took the money, he
would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest,
but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk. So the parents
hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the
keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his
pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, “Darn, it’s even worse than
I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!

[Read more…] about Thursday Thirteen #21: 13 Jokes From “Gibbleguts” Ezine

1. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis.

2. The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.

3. Sir Francis drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

4. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

5. Protons are found in both meat and electricity.

6. The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.

7. He worked in the government as a civil serpent.

8. The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.

9. A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

10. Homer wrote The Oddity.

11. Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

12. Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.

13. Be sure and put some of those neutrons on my salad.

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price


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