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Thanks To Gamers And Gaming, I Will Never Lack For Blog Material

August 20, 2010 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

It Was Somebody’s Job To Think This Stuff Up

(Originally published March 8, 2006)

Recently my husband has been excited to find some new friends with which he can play video games. While I am an excellent wife and companion in many ways, I do not share his enjoyment of gaming. So it has been good for him to connect with others who do.

Last weekend one of The Gamers arrived at our house and announced: “I just went to Blockbuster and found The Best Game Ever! You’re a samurai, and you wake up one day, and all of your body parts have been stolen. You have to go out and fight the bad guys who took them so you can like, get your arms back and stuff!”

Fortunately the main character was also fitted with substitute body parts, but of course these parts also double as deadly weapons. For example, when he meets up with an enemy his fake arms and hands fly off to reveal swords, his knees open up to reveal machine guns, etc.

Every time the samurai defeats a “Fiend”, he recovers one of his stolen body parts. I witnessed one of these pivotal moments, and while the hero writhed in agony on the screen we all pondered what vital limb or organ he might have just regained. His heart? His lungs? His eyes?

Oh no. After valiantly defeating the Fiend in battle, and undergoing the agonizing, torturous process of re-incorporating one of the inner organs necessary for his continued existence the hero looked up to see that he was now once again in possession of…his esophagus. With a corresponding reminder in small print that said, “Please note: The esophagus will not work without the rest of the digestive tract.”

What?!

So all week I have been facilitating cryptic correspondence between my husband and the other gamers. I pass along messages like, “Tell her I got my hippocampus back last night and can now remember how many bad guys I have killed,” or, “Tell him that I also got my left leg back so I can run now. Luckily the leg cannon is in the right leg.”

To quote one of the gamers: “Good times.”

The Best Things I Heard This Weekend

June 3, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

As I came out of my office into the living room on Sunday evening I was informed of the following by one of The Gamers:

“Jenny, I had to fight 30 levels of men in diapers wearing bowls of curry on their head to get here.”

Me (looking up at the television): Yeah, I heard you say that when I was out in the other room, and I was r-e-a-l-l-y hoping that I heard you wrong. But apparently, I did not.

-This “What?!” moment is brought to you by the game Shadow Hearts 2, the game that will make you constantly question your sanity and turn to the people around you to ask, “No, seriously. Am I on drugs?”

********

One of our friends has just been hired as a police recruit. The following story comes courtesy of her first day on the job.

Police Corporal: Hey, do you have a pair of really nasty jeans in your car?

Our Friend: Um, no.

Police Corporal: Well, you need to get a pair of really nasty jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of shoes that you don’t mind getting really gross and keep them in your trunk.

Our Friend: OK, why?

Police Corporal: Because we might need to send you out into the woods to look for corpses.

Hi. My Name Is Jenny, And I Am A Phonophobiac

April 3, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 8 Comments

Today I was reading one of my favorite bloggers, Mighty Maggie, and it just struck me that there are so many similarities between us, we could really almost be Twins Separated At Birth.

1. She is a creative person

2. Married to a techno-geek

3. Is DEEPLY passionate about the correct use of grammar and punctuation

4. Feels that their Roomba is their pet. (I strongly feel that our TIVO is the 6th member of our family, and will frequently give my husband updates on its behavior when he gets home from work, especially if I feel he needs to discipline it. As in, “Dude, I think you need to have some words with the TIVO because it was really giving me some LIP today.”

5. And she does NOT like to talk on the phone. She is currently trying to hire someone to fill her position before she goes on maternity leave, and describes it like this: “But there is a reason I posted the job online and only left my EMAIL ADDRESS. There is nothing in the ad implying that they should google my company until they find our phone number, call me up and interrupt my very important blog reading schedule to ask me stupid annoying questions about “what I’m looking for”. Send me a resume like everyone else! GOD! I swear, if these people knew me, they’d know they’ve automatically lost any chance they have just by trying to get me to talk on the phone.”

Thursday Thirteen #18: 2006 In Review

December 28, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 31 Comments

2006 In Review

January1. The War Of The Rodents Begins

“You know how sometimes in life you start out with these great plans, and then unexpected things happen and you find yourself in a place that you never could’ve imagined? Well, that is happening to me now. But not in a misty, nostalgic, “oh, look at the funny twists of fate” kind of way. It’s more of an, “I wonder how I could erase certain parts of my memory without causing myself actual brain damage” kind of way.Because, through no fault of my own, and totally against my will, I am becoming…an Expert In Rats. Believe me-I have fought this tooth and nail (no pun intended). But these people keep on foisting off all of this unwanted knowledge on me, and unfortunately it’s the kind of knowledge that really sticks with you.”

2. The Name Of My Blog Is Born

“So last weekend my husband and I were at dinner with 3 other couples, and during the course of the conversation the woman next to me informed me that I was going to, and I quote, “H-E-double hockey sticks.” Oh, and not only was I going, but so was my husband. Oh, and not only was he going too, but the fact that he was going was also my fault.

Of course I couldn’t think of any snappy comebacks in the moment, but here are some responses I’ve come up with since then.

-“What?!”

-“Ah, yes, my powers are growing. I must be sure to use them only for good, and never for evil.”

February

3. We Begin The Process Of Divorcing Our Bank

“I decided that I was tired of paying the old bank every month just for the privilege of keeping my money there. So I found a new bank that doesn’t do that, which is very nice. Unfortunately, the new bank is located directly across the street from the old bank, a place I’ve frequented for the last 6 1/2 years, where, in the immortal words of Cheers, “everybody knows my name.”

So instead of being able to drift quietly away into my new banking relationship, letting my old bank have the time and space it needs to mourn the end of our association, I am forced to flaunt my new financial partnership in full view of the bank with whom I’ve just broken up.”

4. I Publicly Embrace My Fear Of Talking On The Phone

“I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there just are not words to describe just how much I love my BlackBerry.

But anyway, the point of all of this is that now I can stay in constant communication with all the people I like without actually having to speak with them on the phone. Because, and this has been a deep, dark secret of mine for a LONG time, I am a “phonophobiac”. Yes, that’s right. I am afraid of calling people on the phone.”

March

5. We Join Forces With The Gamers

“Recently my husband has been excited to find some new friends with which he can play video games. While I am an excellent wife and companion in many ways, I do not share his enjoyment of gaming. So it has been good for him to connect with others who do.

May

6. We Attempt To Keep Tender, Growing Things Alive

“Up until a few years ago I used to go around bragging all the time about how I had a “black thumb”. Unfortunately it was true that I was spectacularly unsuccessful in keeping alive plants, flowers, and a beta fish. But I never realized just how weird it was that basically I was saying, “You know, I just want to tell you how excited I am about this special talent of mine where I am really good at killing living things.”

Looking back now I really don’t know how my husband and I ever had enough confidence in our abilities to take in and nurture living creatures other than ourselves, given the fact that every time he goes out of town on a trip he has to sit me down, look me in the eye, and remind me to continue eating while he is gone. Or the fact that once my husband was in serious stomach pain for like 5 days, and it wasn’t until the day when he could no longer stand up straight and was walking around the house bent over at a 90 degree angle and I could actually physically overpower him and force him into the car that he went to the doctor to get treated.”

June

7. My Blog Turns 1-Yay!

“Unfortunately I was a little too miserable to notice before, what with the sinus pain and pressure, and the White Hot Nail Of Agony piercing my eardrum, and The Doctor Who Did Not Believe Me, but last Monday, June 12th, was the one year birthday of my blog!”

8. My Brother Gets Married

“So after sleeping for 16 hours, and then laying on the couch for the rest of the day after I got up and staring at the ceiling, I think I have finally recovered from the wedding. I know that as Americans we like to think we are on the leading edge of everything. But speaking as someone whose brother just married into a Polish family, when it comes to wedding receptions, we Americans have NOTHING on the rest of the world!

That was absolutely The Most Fun I have ever had at a wedding reception, and I only wish I had known just how much physical endurance it was going to require of me, so that I could have been preparing for it with a very strict training regimen over the past year.”

August

9. My Podcasts Are Born

“And lo, the heavens did open, and the angels did descend and pour forth their heavenly songs, because today, I created a Podcast. ALL. BY. MY. SELF!

To give you some idea of the magnitude of this achievement, just imagine if a rock, which moments before had been totally inert, suddenly came to life and began to expound on the principles of Quantum Physics in four languages simultaneously. That’s a pretty good metaphor for what happened here today.”

September

10. I Embrace My Inner Grammar Snob

“Apparently my powers have some limits. Because today, I broke my website. And you know what did me in? Pride.

And if there is anything that I am prideful over, it is the correct use of grammar and my own personal correct-grammar-using-abilities. In other words, I am a Grammar Snob.”

October

11. I Discover That Yup, I Was Right. I Really Don’t Like Coffee

“Back when I was in high school peer pressure was easy to spot, and there were always very clear-cut reasons available to me for saying “No”. Smoking? Um, no thanks, on account of all the cancer and all the death. Drinking? Hm, think I’ll pass as I have no desire for my parents to kill me for engaging in such behavior. Sex? I couldn’t stand anyone else’s children; I certainly didn’t want any of my own.

But by the time I finally finished school, got married, and entered my thirties, I began to relax. Surely, I thought, the time of being scorned for being “different” had passed.

Oh silly, naive woman.”

12. The Bank Divorce Continues

“Tomorrow we are going to break up with our bank. And I can’t wait!

Earlier this year I wrote about how I moved some of our accounts over to a new financial institution. Because, as I said, “I decided that I was tired of paying the old bank every month just for the privilege of keeping my money there.” More and more our monthly statements were starting to look like this:

Monthly Service Fees:

Driving past our building on the way to the grocery store: $3.00

Breathing air: $5.00″

December

13. My Secret Identity As A Witch Is Discovered

“My husband and just went to the grocery store to buy some dessert. As we were standing in the ice cream aisle, perusing all the choices, we heard the high-pitched sound of a little boy talking to his dad. Neither one of us really paid any attention to it, until we noticed that it wasn’t stopping. So we both looked up at the exact same moment, just in time to hear him yell, “The witch, daddy, the witch!” over and over again. And he was pointing? Directly at me.”

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As Chandler Bing Would Say, “Could You Be More Wrong?!”

December 9, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

If you have read this blog for any length of time, you will probably have formed a pretty accurate picture of the kind of person I am. While I love my life and love being me, I realize that who and how I’ve chosen to be would not necessarily be everyone‘s first choice. I’ll never appear on anyone’s lists for what is New, Hot, Sexy, or Popular. But then again, I will also never appear on any lists detailing all the women who have, for whatever reason, revealed their hoo-ha’s for the entire world to see. So it goes both ways.

I just sort of assumed that everyone saw me in the same way, but apparently that is not always the case if the following story is any indication.

As I mentioned before we had dinner with one of The Gamers last weekend, but before eating we went to her house because she and her mom just got a new kitten and of course, we had to go and play with it. As we were getting ready to leave, her mom (who incidentally has known me for the last seven years, ever since we worked together as booksellers, so it’s not like she’s never met me before) asked where we were going to eat.

“We’re going over to Firehouse Subs,” I told her.

She frowned like she didn’t know what I was talking about, which I thought was odd since she was the one who had first introduced me to Firehouse a few years ago.

“Where?” she asked again.

“You know, Firehouse. Over by the Walmart.”

Her frown increased, and then she tentatively asked, “The biker bar?” [Read more…] about As Chandler Bing Would Say, “Could You Be More Wrong?!”

The Best Things I Heard This Weekend

December 3, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 14 Comments

This weekend we had dinner with one of The Gamers, and somehow we got on the subject of next-door neighbors. I told her about Nearly Naked Smoker and she said, “When I was in high school our next door neighbor would come outside in his underwear to get the paper and yell at our school bus as it came down the street.”

“You would get arrested for doing that these days,” replied my husband.

“You can get arrested for delivering papers naked,” said our friend. “Ask my dad how he knows about that.”

(Important Side Note: Apparently, her dad is in charge of hiring people to deliver the newspaper.)

This particular friend has worked A Lot of retail jobs, and occasionally she pulls out a retail story to entertain us. The story she told us this weekend involved a friend of hers who was working in an electronics store one day when an elderly gentleman approached her and said, “Can I tell you something?”

“Um, does it have anything to do with this cell phone, sir?”

“No. I need to tell you that I’m a demon from hell. I see that you have red hair, so you must be a witch. You should come back to hell with me, and we could make it.”

“Uh, what about your wife?” (who was standing right there)

“She’s not one of us.”

Overheard

August 6, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Yesterday we once again played host to The Gamers,and dedicated as I am to bringing the world entertaining stories from my everyday life, I decided to listen to what they said during game play and take notes for my blog.

So today I present to you, “The Best Things I Heard This Weekend: The Gamers Edition”.

1. Gamer 1:I just got donkey punched by the abominable snowman.
Gamer 2: That’s not the abominable snowman. That’s the abominable WTF?!

2. Gamer 2: Say no to ice-wielding zombies.
Gamer 3: Say no to zombies, period.

3. Gamer 1: OK, take the bone-studded choker.
Gamer 3: Yes, pick up the boner.

4. Who else needs to be slayed?

5. (Earlier in the evening someone had expressed their belief that having sex steals your soul. Later during game play someone’s character killed a wild boar and we all watched as the boar’s soul left its body.)
Gamer 1: Hey, that pig had a soul.
Gamer 2: I guess it didn’t have sex today.
Gamer 3: Or else it was a virgin.

Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: People Who Do NOT Pay Attention

June 12, 2006 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

So I had to go to the doctor today thanks to The Gamers, who have apparently been spending this last month taking turns being the host body for this really icky sinus infection.

As if I weren’t feeling badly enough already, what with the illness, and then the having to step onto a scale and get weighed IMMEDIATELY upon exiting the waiting room, the doctor apparently decided to go ahead and diagnose me without all the pesky bother of actually examining me.

“So you’re 4 weeks into it,” she said as she came into the room. “Are you late often?”

What? WHAT?! Whose chart are you looking at, lady?! I know I’m a little out of it, but those are not the answers I gave the nurse when she was taking down my symptoms.

I’m not here because I think I’m pregnant. I’m here because I think I have a sinus infection. Because, as far as I know, being pregnant does NOT cause you to feel like there is a monkey trying to hack its way through your eardrum with a very dull hatchet which has been heated to the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Fortunately she did condescend to examine the parts of me that were actually affected, and at the end she actually gave me an actual prescription for actual medications for the actual condition that I actually have. And she did not try to force me into the stirrups so that she could take a little rambling stroll around the inside of my pelvis. (An excellent choice on her part.) I guess the bulging volume of infected fluid pounding against my eardrum convinced her that I was not “faking” the symptoms of a sinus infection in order to mask the fact that I was actually there to receive pre-natal care.

So here I am two prescriptions and two injections later, realizing that there is nothing quite like Someone Who Ignores Your Truth to make you feel invisible and 5 years old again. That, and having to take your pants off in order to get your shots.

Highway To The Danger Zone

March 16, 2006 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Generally speaking, I tend to leave everything technological and electronic up to my husband. And generally speaking, that tends to be in the best interests of everyone involved.

Although I do sometimes find it a little upsetting when people won’t even give me a chance. For example, when The Gamers are here on the weekend they sometimes ask me to go online and look up hints for them so they won’t have to miss a split second of combat with the demon-zombie-vampire-chainsaw-wielding-donkey-riding-skeleton-people, or whoever it is they’re fighting this week. But apparently I’m not able to complete this task quickly enough for them.

“Here, give me that,” they’ll say impatiently, irritated that their quest for the golden dragon fangs must temporarily be put on hold.
[Read more…] about Highway To The Danger Zone