Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Friday’s Feast #125

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Appetizer: Which celebrity (or celebrities) do you think will make headlines this year?

I plan on increasing my own personal celebrity this year and expanding the use of my powers through humor. To that end I recently signed up with My Space as an artist so that I could upload and prominently feature my humor podcasts, which you can listen to here.

Soup: They say that good things come in small packages? What is something little that you think is great?

Coca-Cola. So much happiness packed into such a tiny red can.

Salad: Name a song that makes you want to dance.

Even though I have no idea what it’s talking about, I always want to dance whenever I hear “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall.

Main Course: What is your favorite font?

Um, I don’t really have one. I do have a favorite number, though-8. Actually it’s probably more of an obsession. Before I got married, both my first and last name had 8 letters in them. And I was born on the 8th of October.And whenever I’m listening to people speak, I’m always rearranging their words into groups of 8 syllables. Hm…perhaps I’ve shared too much.

Dessert: If you were to write a do-it-yourself article, what would it be about?

Actually, I did recently write an article about how to survive as a generalist, or as someone who is interested in everything, in a world of specialists and experts. And so to continue today’s theme of shameless self-promotion, and to give my friend Karen (who kindly included it in the humor section at her site) over at Square Peg People some link love, you can read it right here.

Dine For Yourself

Apparently This Is How You Use Your Powers When You’re An Engineer

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If I had to identify one of the most outstanding characteristics of my personality, it would unfortunately have to be my Stunning Inability To Locate Myself In Time And Space. I get lost all the time, so often in fact that there now exists a Greatest Hits Collection of my best “getting lost” stories:

-the time I got lost leading a group of friends who were helping us move into our new house

-the time in grad school when I got lost on The Loop in Athens, GA-it was a LOOP for crying out loud, with a FIXED NUMBER of places you could go. Eventually I HAD to find something that looked familiar-and called my husband (then boyfriend) who was in grad school in Atlanta to announce that, “It’s pitch black and I have no idea where I am. Oh and by the way, I’m completely out of gas and am running on fumes. And even if you wanted to come and rescue me you couldn’t, because there’s no way to tell you how to find me. Tell my parents I love them.”

-the time I was driving down Interstate 85, headed to the same place I’d gone every single Monday night for an entire year, missed my exit, got off the highway, turned around, and headed back in the opposite direction (because, HELLO, that’s supposed to work!), somehow ended up on an entirely different Interstate and had to call my husband to guide me home so I didn’t accidentally end up in Alabama.

-the time I was in Phoenix and had to physically drive to the airport in order to change my ticket so I could fly home early. But I didn’t actually know how to get to the airport from my hotel, even though I had driven that route only 4 days earlier, so I called my husband and asked him to guide me there. (I don’t think he minded that much, because it did give him an excuse to fire up Google Earth). Then I had to drive back to my hotel, the exact same way that I had just come only minutes earlier. But I got lost again and had to have him reverse all the directions for me verbally in order to make it back safely.

I truly am one of those people who needs to wear an ID bracelet at all times. But instead of having a medical alert mine would need to say, “While extremely proficient in exploring the realms of the mind, wearer is completely incapable of navigating herself around the physical world.” [Read more…] about Apparently This Is How You Use Your Powers When You’re An Engineer

Blog Fodder #5

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“Tell us something about your in-laws (funny, memories, etc.). If you don’t have any in-laws, pick a relative like siblings, parents, etc.”

I have the perfect story for this question, which you can read here in this post from last August. It is called, “Do You Think My In-Laws Are Trying To Tell Me Something?”

Here’s why I ask. My husband just called them because he just remembered that it was his dad’s birthday 2 days ago and we did not call or send a card and now we are totally on their *&%# list.

So he came out into my office after he got off the phone and he was wearing the face you’d expect on someone who has discovered that, even if you’ve been married for 10 years, and are a responsible, hard-working, law-abiding, home-owning grownup, you are never to old to be in big trouble with your parents.

Then he said, “My parents have a new pet.” So I thought that maybe he was looking down because their dog, Riley, had died.

But no. Riley is just fine. It was that he was responsible for breaking to me the news that, “They have adopted a snake.” (Snakes only being, to my mind, The Most Terrifying Things In Existence.)

Apparently they had some people working on their lawn, and these people brought them outside to show them the snake they’d found.

“We need to get rid of this snake,” said the lawn people. What an excellent response.

Other appropriate responses:

“Bring me the flame thrower!”

or, “Why the *%$@ don’t we have a flame thrower?!”

My father-in-law’s response? “Wait. Let me look that snake up on the Internet.”

Long story short, the snake is now living in a special snake spot in their backyard, almost directly touching the outside of the room that my husband and I stay in when we go to visit my in-laws. And I just can’t help wondering, is there a message in that for me?

Project 365, Day 1: The BlackBerry Is Dead

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or, “Jenny Unwittingly Enters Rehab”.

I’ve been seeing a lot about this Project 365 thing on a lot of blogs recently, and since I’m always looking for new ways that I can express myself creatively and then inflict my creations on the poor, unsuspecting denizens of the Internet, I decided to give it a try.

The picture I took yesterday corresponds with something I’ve been wanting to write about, but haven’t yet been able to put into words. It is this: my BlackBerry is dead.

It is really kind of pathetic, the depth of sadness, emptiness, and desperation I feel now that I can no longer sneak out into the kitchen and take a hit of new emails and random text messages. Or the edginess and irritability I feel whenever I pass by the kitchen table and see that the happy little indicator light is dark and cold, no longer blinking red and green with its joyful messages of people who want to talk to me. Or the auditory hallucinations I seem to be having where I could swear that I hear it vibrating away on the table, eagerly downloading all of my electronic communications.

Fortunately it’s only temporary, and will be rectified as soon as I receive the package with the charger that I accidentally left at my parents’ house over Christmas. But until then I will be here, detoxing, and mourning The Friend That Was.

blackberry

New Year, New Podcast

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So I thought I’d start out this new year by catching up on something I’ve been meaning to do since October; namely, putting up my latest podcast. I actually gave this speech almost three months ago, but I somehow managed to mess up the recording so that when you played it back it sounded like this: “Mmwwaahh, mmwweeee, mmwwhhooaa, [static], [loud buzzing], [heavy breathing], ‘Luke, I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true’.”

Fortunately for me my family was apparently pretty hard up for entertainment options over Christmas, because they very kindly volunteered to be my live studio audience last weekend so that I could give my speech again and obtain a new, clear, non-Darth Vader-esque recording.

So please allow me to present my latest podcast, “How To Thrive As A Dilettante”. I hope you enjoy it!

Happy New Year-I’m It Again!

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Possibly taking pity on me after my last post where I described my inability to deal well with boredom, Mary (Mert) from Almost Somewhat Positive tagged me to do this meme called, “5 Things You May Not Know About Me”. I’m not sure if my online ramblings have left many (any) things about me unknown, but we’ll see what we can come up with here.

1. I can trace my family line back to four people on the Mayflower; 2 people on my paternal grandfather’s side, and 2 people on my paternal grandmother’s side.

2. My choir director at Wake Forest University was Dr. Brian Gorelick, who besides being a fabulously talented choir director is also the brother of Kenny G. My sophomore year in college we did this mega production of “Carmina Burana” which Kenny G flew out to attend, and he sat in the seat directly in front of my brother in the audience.

3. I CANNOT STAND any fabric that has any kind of a nap-velvet, silk, suede, corduroy, velor you name it. Having to touch it literally makes my spine ache, it is just that repulsive to me.

4. I went to my senior prom in 1990 with the man to whom I am now married. (And yes, I DID know I wanted to marry him back then-I know a good thing when I see it! And no, I did NOT mention that little fact to him-I’m not stupid! :P)

5. I absolutely refuse to read or watch any stories about animals. I just cannot handle animal stories-they make me come completely unglued. So I’m probably the only person in America who’s never seen “The Lion King”. And I’m OK with that.

The Year In Review-A Survey

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Do you remember that TV show “The Incredible Hulk” where at the beginning Bill Bixby would say, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”? Well I’m the same way, only not with anger but with being bored. I cannot stand being bored, and so if I can’t find anything external to interest me, I’ll go off into the far reaches of my mind and make something up.

Sometimes the results are very cool, like a fun blog post or an inspiration as to how I can completely reorganize the entire house in one afternoon. But sometimes it results in my “casting a spell on myself” and then seeking out my poor, unsuspecting husband, who then has to deal with a wife who is utterly distraught over something she just made up in her head (“nobody loves me”, “I’m doing everything wrong”, “We have no money and we will end up living in a box on the street”, etc.) (Because, at least then I’m not bored!)

Boredom has unfortunately been kind of a problem lately, ever since the Cold And Flu Of Death exploded upon my person at 2:30 am Christmas morning. So I really haven’t had a lot with which to occupy myself, other than to wonder where the &%$# all of this SNOT is coming from (I mean, I know I have a big head and all, but COME ON!)

Fortunately there are a lot of different blogging memes floating around the blogosphere as the year draws to a close, so I’ve been able to find a few things to do. One of my favorite bloggers, Christina of The Patent Princess, did this one a few days ago, and so I decided to give it a whirl myself.

1. Where did you ring in 2006?
On the couch, suffering from undiagnosed bronchitis. Do I know how to party or what?!

2. What was your status on Valentine’s Day?
Continuing to expand my status as, “really cool wife”, I told my husband a couple of years ago that I really wasn’t into celebrating Valentine’s Day. I had this whole diatribe against made-up holidays that cause unnecessary suffering, but I think all he heard was, “Woo Hoo! I’m off the hook!”

3. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Does the school of life count? Actually, I did finish my certification program and am now officially a certified life coach.

4. How did you earn your keep?
When I could find a few moments to spare from performing my duties as “She Who Feeds Us” and “Official Doorman For Creatures With Attention Spans Smaller Than That Of A Gnat” I tutored high school kids in Spanish.

5. Did you ever have to go to the hospital?
No, but I did have to go to the “Doc In A Box” Immediate Care Center three times where I learned the following interesting fact. Shots in the ass: they’re not just for children anymore.

6. Have you ever encountered the police?
No. (See: Being An Uptight Goody-Two-Shoes, Things At Which I Excel) [Read more…] about The Year In Review-A Survey

Friday’s Feast #124

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Appetizer: How do you usually celebrate on New Year’s Eve?

Well, let’s see. Up until about four years ago I celebrated by getting depressed and going into existential crisis. Last year I celebrated by contracting bronchitis. So this year, I’m seriously considering skipping New Year’s altogether. 😛

Soup: Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.

I became a (video) gamer. Also, wonderful people began leaving comments on my blog posts and creating a community, so I was no longer jibber jabbering out into empty cyber space 🙂

Salad: Where was your favorite place that you visited in 2006?

Physically, the Outer Banks (NC). Emotionally, the state of making peace with money, with my body and with my hair.

Main Course: What resolution is your top priority for 2007?

This year I will be focusing on developing, expanding, and improving my practice of the craft of humor.

Dessert: Using just three words, describe 2006.

Better than imagined!

Dine For Yourself