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Not Even Special Needs

December 4, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

The latest stories from my teacher friends.

1. On the board are written a list of 4 items with prices. The student is asked, if you buy 2 of this item andn 1 of this item, and you have $75.00, do you have enough money?

Teacher: “Do you have enough money?”

Student: “Yes.”

Teacher: “Then you need to write that answer in the box.”

Student: In the box, writes “$55.27.”

Teacher: “No. The question is, ‘Do you have enough money?’ ”

Student: “Yes.”

Teacher: “Then you need to write that answer in the box.”

Student: In the box, writes “Do you have enough money?”

Teacher: “No. The question is, ‘Do you have enough money?’ ”

Student: “Yes.”

Teacher: “Then you need to write that answer in the box.”

Student: Does not understand what to do.

Teacher: “It is a yes/no question!”

Student: Blank stare…

2. Teacher asks, “If there are 93 students on Bus 7, and 112 students on Bus 12, then how many students are there altogether?”

Student: Multiplies 93 x 112.

Student: Does not actually know how to multiply, so somehow comes up with the answer of 404.

Teacher: Explains how if you multiplied those two numbers together, the answer would be 10, 416 students.

Teacher: “Have you ever seen a bus with 10,000 students?”

Student: “Well, yeah. My bus is like that.”

Teacher: “Well honey, let me tell you something. It may seem that way, but those buses only  hold 70.”

Filed Under: Teaching: It's Not For Wimps

It’s A Good Thing I Really Like You, Dr. Chiropractor Whose Last Name I Still Can’t Pronounce, Even Though I’ve Been Seeing You For A Year

December 3, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

So this morning I woke up and my right hand had that tingly, my-hand-was-asleep-and-now-it’s-waking-up feeling, except it never went away. And I couldn’t really feel four of my five fingers. Which of course is EXACTLY what I needed to spice up my day-fearing the loss of my dominant hand.

But I was actually fairly calm-for me-and when the office was open, I went to see my chiropractor. (Important Side Note: this was the third visit this week. Monday it was for my lower back, which has been giving me a lot of lip lately. Yesterday it was for my jaw. When I came through the door, the dr. asked how I was doing. Me: “Back-good. Jaw-killing me.” Dr.: “So you don’t want me to check your back?” Me: “Well, I suppose you can check it.” Dr.: poking around, and then landing on one particular spot. Dr.: “That is not good.”)

So I got on the table today and he started doing all his chiropractor-y things. Then he asked me what I thought I had done.

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe I slept on it funny.”

Dr. : (examining)

Dr.: (indicating that I should roll over onto one side)

Dr.: “Yeah, that can happen when you sleep…”

Dr. (trails away)

Me: “Funny. Yeah.”

Dr. (as he is performing a particularly bone-crushing adjustment) “Actually, I was gonna say, ‘like a bonehead‘.”

Filed Under: Sometimes I Get Sick

Regret

December 2, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Asking a question about the Richter Scale and receiving an answer that begins with the words, “Well, that’s actually a logarithmic scale…”.


Filed Under: CFG Is Not A Mathemagician Tagged With: funny stories, math

Profession Of Faith

December 2, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 5 Comments

I know that there has been a lot of change around here lately, so I thought that I, Cranky Fibro Girl, should take some time to reflect on where I stand on the various issues that confront me on a daily basis.

1. I do not believe in peanut butter as a dessert.

2. I do not believe in morning times that begin with a number that is less than 7.

3. I do not believe in bumper stickers.

4. I do not believe in gas station meat.

5. I do believe that wearing a goatee transforms you into the “evil” version of yourself.

6. I do believe that there is almost nothing that McDonald’s french fries cannot heal to some degree.

7. I do believe that my husband pretty much walks on water.

8. I do believe that my couch has magical healing powers.

9. I do believe that crocs and minivans are the gateways to hell.

10. I do believe that there is no such thing as “too many books”. I also believe that there is no such thing as “enough books”.

Filed Under: All About Me, Irreverent And Proud Of It

An End, And A Beginning

November 30, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 11 Comments

So as most of you know I’ve been writing this blog for the past 4 1/2 years, and I’ve had a blast doing it.

I had a ton of ideas for where this site was going, and all kinds of plans for how I wanted things to be. But then I got sick-REALLY SICK-at the end of 2007, and suddenly my life was blasted apart into a billion pieces.

I feel like I’ve spent these past two years just kind of flailing around, bashing into walls and people and the remnants of my old dreams, just trying to regain some sort of stability. And occasionally I could. But most of the time I really had no idea what I was doing.

And I know that all of this showed up in my blog because suddenly-literally, overnight-I was no longer the person who started that blog. I wasn’t just a cute entertainer telling funny stories and making people laugh. Now I was a person with a chronic illness, living with chronic pain, unable to do anything but just be sick and in pain. All the things I was able to do before-work, run our household, go out with friends, travel any farther than the couch in our living room, write, much less write humorously-they were suddenly gone. And so I had to figure out how to be that person, when I DID NOT WANT to be that person.

So I know that starting then, this blog no longer delivered what it had in the past. And I’m sorry for that. It was SO frustrating for me, as I’m sure it was for you guys. You came here expecting “Entertaining Stories From Everyday Life”, but I know that it eventually morphed into, “Hey, you know what? Chronic illness isn’t funny. &$@! ” So I really appreciate all of you who stuck around anyway. And I also appreciate everyone who came here and then decided that this just wasn’t their thing.

And I’m also sorry for the fact that, because I’d never gone through this before, I wasn’t able to let you all know that there was a change coming. I know that I started this blog with the inner rules that I would not be mean or controversial or argumentative, and that I wouldn’t use what some people might call, “inappropriate language.” And then overnight they were all swept away, with no warning that these things were coming. And so I want to apologize for that as well.

So given all of these things, I’ve decided to make a change here. I’m not going to be blogging as “Using My Powers For Good” anymore, because I am not that person anymore, the person who started this blog all those years ago. I need to do something different, something where I feel comfortable bringing all of my different parts, and something that lets people know ahead of time what they will be getting into if they visit my site.

So I am very excited to announce that, as of tomorrow, I will be blogging as Cranky Fibro Girl, although my web address will still be jennyryan.com. You don’t have to change anything on your end. If you type jennyryan.com into a web browser you will still end up here. If you’ve bookmarked this site somehow or added it to a blogroll, clicking on that link will still bring you here. “Here” will just be a little different starting tomorrow.

As you might imagine, Cranky Fibro Girl has an edge (or five) to her personality, and she lets you know that right up front. So there will be crankiness and irritability. There will be mocking and sarcasm. There will be funny. There will be sad. There will be swearing and frustration and anger. There will be the entire experience of someone living with chronic pain and illness. There will be all of the things that make up this “me” that I am right now.

So if you want to stick around, yay! And if you decide that this is not for you, that’s cool-thank you so much for coming with me this far. And thank you all for all the ways you’ve been part of this community. Funny stories aren’t that funny without people to enjoy them, and you’ve given me such a gift by enjoying mine.

Jenny

Filed Under: All About Me

Books Are My Boyfriend Mondays, Ed. 3: Totally Random Mystery Genres That I’m Making Up As I Type This

November 23, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

And this week’s Random Mystery Genre Is, “Fictional Female British Sleuths From the World War I and World War II Eras”.

1. Amelia Peabody created by Elizabeth Peters

Amelia Peabody is the sharp, pulls-no-punches protagonist created by Elizabeth Peters. Her story begins in the late 1880’s when she comes into a rather large inheritance and decides to go tour the world, despite being a single woman. She, unsurprisingly, receives a number of proposals of marriage, one of which she declined with the following explanation:

“I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.” Mr. Fletcher’s pepper-and-salt eyebrows lifted. I added, “For myself, that is. I suppose it is well enough for some women; what else can the poor things do? But why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself.”

Eventually she makes her way to Egypt, determined to see the pyramids. Upon arrival she makes the acquaintance of the Emerson brothers, Walter and Radcliffe, who are both archaeologists and Egyptologists. Happening upon them in the middle of a minor crisis, she decides to move into their excavation site and take charge of things.

I directed Walter to pick out a nice tomb for us.

He was staring at me in the most peculiar fashion. He did not speak, but he kept opening and closing his mouth. If he had not been such a handsome fellow, he would have reminded me of a frog.

“There is a nice tomb close by, I trust,” I repeated, resisting the desire to poke at him with my parasol. “Go along Walter, we musn’t waste time; I want the place all swept and tidy by the time our luggage arrives….”

“Nice tomb,” Walter repeated stupidly. “Yes. Yes, Miss Peabody, there are several other tombs nearby. I don’t know whether you would call them nice…”

“Walter, you are incoherent,” I said. “This is no time to lose your head. I understand your concern, but there is no need for it now. I am here.”

And so she was. And so she has continued to take charge of things through seventeen more books. You can find out more about the series here.

2. Maisie Dobbs

Maisie Dobbs is the creation of author Jacqueline Winspear, and we meet her in 1929 as she is opening her new detective agency.

Just a few pages in it becomes obvious that Maisie Dobbs is not your average, run-of-the-mill detective.

The tricky thing was going to be the nameplate. She still hadn’t solved the problem of the nameplate.

As Lady Rowan had asked, “So, my dear, what will you call yourself? I mean, we all know what you do, but what will be your trade name? You can hardly state the obvious. ‘Finds missing people, dead or alive, even when it’s themselves they are looking for’ really doesn’t cut the mustard. We have to think of something succinct, something that draws upon your unique talents.”

I was thinking of ‘Discreet Investigations,’ Lady Rowan. What do you think?”

“But that doesn’t tell anyone about how you use your mind my dear-what you actually do.”

“It’s not really my mind I’m using, it’s other people’s. I just ask the questions.”

As Maisie begins to work on her first case, sprinkled throughout the story are references to her mentor, Maurice, and the methods he taught her to use. For example,

“Truth walks toward us on the paths of our questions.” Maurice’s voice once again echoed in her mind. “As soon as you think you have the answer, you have closed the path and may miss vital new information. Wait awhile in the stillness, and do not rush to conclusions, no matter how uncomfortable the unknowing.”

And then later, once she has received a critical piece of information during her investigations:

Maurice had counseled her, in the early days of her apprenticeship, when she was the silent observer as he listened to a story, gently prodding with a question, a comment, a sigh, or a smile, “The story takes up space as a knot in a piece of wood. If the knot is removed, a hole remains. We must ask ourselves, how will the hole that we have opened be filled? The hole, Maisie, is our responsibility.”

Happily, the case is as intriguing as the detective. And even more happily, Maisie has appeared in five more books so far. You can learn more about the series here.

3. Phryne Fisher

And now for something light. Phryne Fisher is the protagonist featured in a mystery series written by Kerry Greenwood. Due to the death of various relatives in World War I her father has recently come into a large inheritance and joined the ranks of the British upper crust. His daughter, Phryne, is now quite  rich, in addition to being quite beautiful and quite smart, but she is also despretately bored.

“I wonder what I want to do?” Phryne asked of herself. “It has all been quite interesting up until now,  but I can’t dance and game my life away. I suppose I could try for the air race record in the new Avro-or join Miss May Cunliffe in the road trails of the new Lagonda-or learn Abyssininan-or take to gin-or breed horses-I don’t know, it all seems very flat.

…She was at a loose end. She did not want to stay in her father’s house and arrange flowers. She had tried social work, but she was sick of the stews and sluts and starvation of London, and the company of the Charitable Ladies was not good for her temper. She had often thought of travelling back to Australia, where she had been born in extreme poverty, and here was an excellent excuse for putting off decisions about her future for half a year.

“Well, I shall try being a perfect Lady Detective in Melbourne-that ought to be difficult enough-and perhaps something will suggest itself. If not, I can still catch the ski season. It may prove amusing after all.”

So she decides to take herself, her money, and her flapper lifestyle to Australia and set up shop as a private detective. You can find out more about the series here.

OK, your turn. Do you have any new detectives for me to meet?

**Remember that you can sign up for weekly updates over in the righthand sidebar**

Filed Under: CFG's Bookshelf

Three Men And A House

November 19, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Given that we have now been living in our house for over ten years, my husband and I are no strangers to the world of home repairs. As a matter of fact, I have just now had to flee my house as the roofers have been at work since 7 AM, pounding their Shingles Of Death directly into my nervous system. And in order to make my escape I had to use my husband’s and my “emergency code” to inform him that, not only had the roofers parked their van directly behind my spot in the garage, they had also begun using it as a temporary dump for all their stuff, stuff that apparently was being thrown away in the imaginary dumpster located right next to the real-life dumpster, which, incidentally, was blocking the other side of our garage.) And so, I COULD NOT GET OUT.

And lo, there was a giant meltdown in the land. Because, if you know anything about fibromyalgia, one of its possible causes-as well as one of its most debilitating symptom-is a sensory processing disorder. As in, your system is unable to process all the sensory stimulation it receives. As in, there are times when the experience of air touching your skin can be the most excruciating thing you’ve ever experienced. As in, if you are ever looking for a way to torture and/or murder one of us, sending a crew to pound on our roof All. Day. Long. is definitely the way to go.

Oh, and by the way: if you also instruct your Latin American roof crew to just gaze at us and respond, “Huh?” with blank, uncomprehending stares when we ask them, IN FLAWLESS SPANISH, if they could please move their truck out of our driveway, so that we can PLEASE, PLEASE GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!!  forcing us to have to revert to Stupid American Loud Talking And Giant, Idiotic Gestures, that will pretty much be the final nail in our coffin.

However: despite everything, this is actually the best home repair experience we’ve had since we’ve lived here. Everyone showed up when they said they would, did everything they said they would do, in the time they said it would take them to do it, and now, with the exception of the dumpster which has yet to be picked up and carried away, you can’t even tell that anyone was even working on our house two days ago.

Unfortunately, that has not always been our the case for us.

[Read more…] about Three Men And A House

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: home improvements

First World Problem

November 18, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

Owning a cordless phone with four handsets, none of which are ever in the same physical location as you are when the phone starts to ring.

Filed Under: These Are The Days Of My Life

I Really Hope So

November 18, 2009 By Jenny Ryan Leave a Comment

“We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.”

-2 Corinthians 4: 8-9, The Message

Filed Under: CFG Loves Things Wordy

Books Are My Boyfriend Mondays Ed. 2: People Who Wrestle With Angels

November 16, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

Many thanks to everyone who visited last week’s edition of Books Are My Boyfriend Mondays,  “Really Stinkin’ Funny Memoirs”. I really enjoyed picking out some of my favorite passages to share with you, and I also very much appreciated the suggestions for new books to try that people left in the comments.

This week I wanted to share some books related to a topic very near and dear to my heart, which is people who are in the process of working out their faith and personal spirituality. (Of course, there is no way we can cover this entire topic in one week, so I will continue to pop back every now and then whenever I find something new that I MUST share with you.) I guess we’re all actually in the middle of doing that ourselves, but these people have written books to give us a glimpse into a part of their own personal search. I love books like this, because all my life I have been a spiritual seeker. Speaking of that, I guess that in the interest of full disclosure, I should share my own religious background with you.

I was raised Baptist-Independent, not Southern (although I personally have no idea what the difference is). Then when I was thirteen we moved, and I spent 5 years attending a non-denominational church. Then at Wake Forest, which is actually a Southern Baptist institution, although it is not “officially” tied to the church anymore, I spent 3 years hanging out with the Methodists as a part of the Wesley Foundation. Then during my last year of college and my first year of graduate school I felt a real calling toward the Catholic Church, and so in 1995 I converted to Catholicism.

Then when I turned twenty-nine (2001, if you’re interested) I decided to have my “turning 30” crisis a year early, and started questioning just about everything in my entire life. It was during this time that I became a student of A Course In Miracles, which I have practiced on and off since then. And now, for the past 3 Sundays, I have been attending the Baptist church up the road because-and pay attention here, because I’m pretty sure that this is the only time you will ever read these words IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFETIME-I desperately missed hymns. So there you go.

I don’t know that there’s an Officially Still Catholic Yet Also A Student of A Course In Miracles Yet Surprisingly Also Drawn Back To The Baptist Church denomination. Or perhaps, maybe as of RIGHT NOW, there is. 🙂

So back to the books-the first one I have to share today has the amazingly fantastic title, The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance: a memoir by Elna Baker.

[Read more…] about Books Are My Boyfriend Mondays Ed. 2: People Who Wrestle With Angels

Filed Under: CFG's Bookshelf, I Love Books Tagged With: books, reading

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