Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Why I Love My Husband So Much: Reason 2

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He always sees the good in me.

This weekend we were playing a new video game featuring characters from the X-Men series of comic books. I’m playing as “Storm”, the character who can harness the power of weather.

I’m a bit directionally challenged , so I told him, “It’s a good thing you’re the one in charge of getting us around, because to me it looks like we’ve come back to this same exact room about 27 times.”

“That’s OK, baby,” he replied. “Some of us can read maps, and some of us have lightning.”

Catching Up With Current Events

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My husband: Well, a war that you probably weren’t even aware of looks like it may finally be coming to an end.

Me (thinking hard about where there might currently be a war): Afghanistan? Iran? The Balkans? Lichtenstein?

My husband: Have you heard of “The Format Wars”? Blue Ray v. HD DVD’s?

Me: (blink)

My husband: Well, Blockbuster just announced that they will only be stocking Blue Ray DVD’s from now on, so hopefully soon there will finally be one standard form of high def DVD’s, and we can start buying movies on DVD again.

Me: Um,…yay?

A Quick Glimpse Into The Male Brain

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I’ve been having a lot of fun lately playing around on Facebook.

The other day I was talking about this with my husband, telling him about all the different applications you can add to your profile.

“There are things that let you do stuff to other people besides ‘poke them’,” I told him. (“Poking” someone is one of the default actions on everyone’s profile along with things like “Send Message” and “View Photos”.) “But I don’t understand why you would want to poke someone in the first place.”

“Really?” he replied. “You don’t?” And then burst into chortling laughter, highly amused.

Um, no, I don’t. Is that like how when women want to share an emotion they will do so with a hug, or a pat on the hand, or possibly a nice note while men, apparently too moved for words, are forced to resort to smacking each other on the ass?

Mr. Fix-It

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My husband is really, really good at fixing things. It is rare that we have to call in the help of a professional, but every so often we do. Like in the following situation.

Me: I can’t wait to get this mole removed.

My husband: I can take care of that for you.

Me: Thanks, but I think I’m gonna leave this to a trained professional (aka, “my dermatologist”).

My husband: Oh, what, like you think she took a class in “Removing Funny Things From People’s Bodies”?

Me: Yeah, actually I do. LOTS, as a matter of fact.

You Know It’s Going To Be A Long Day

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when, as you are sending your husband off to work in the morning and you casually mention that you will see him in a few hours for your lunch date, he stops, really looks at you, and then is forced to resort to sign language in order to convey the message of, “OK, yeah, but first you really might want to do something about your GINORMOUSLY pouffy-assed hair.”

Secrets

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A couple of days ago my husband and I were sitting on the couch catching up on this week’s episode of NCIS. The Director of NCIS, played by Lauren Holly, was talking to Special Agent Gibbs, played by Mark Harmon, about a case they were working on involving a man who was engaged to multiple women at the same time. She was talking about how even if you are in a relationship with someone, you may not really know them. They might be keeping secrets from you.

“I don’t have any secrets from you,” I told my husband.

“I know!” he replied. Due to some quirk in my own personal makeup, I can neither lie nor keep secrets. It’s like any kind of secret information is a foreign body in my system, and I must vomit it up and out as soon as possible in order to keep my system running smoothly.

“What about you?” I asked him. “Do you have any secrets?”

“Nope,” he said, and we went back to watching the show.

In the next scene Dr. “Ducky” Mallard is talking to Agent Gibbs about the corpse he is examining. “I got a hunch and I decided to trim his (the corpse’s) nose hair,” said Dr. Mallard.

At this my husband pauses the show (all hail the awesomeness of TIVO!), leaps up off the couch, and says, “Oh yeah, I do have a secret from you.”*

Oh, dear sweet Lord In Heaven, I thought to myself, completely panicked. What the hell kind of secret does “nose hair” remind you of?!

“Um, that’s okay, dude,” I said, backing away from him. “You can just go ahead and keep that particular secret to yourself.”

*It turned out all right, though. For some reason I still don’t completely understand, that just reminded him that he’d brought me back a present from Mexico.

Watch Out Seattle-I Have Arrived!

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Yesterday, after departing Atlanta and spending approximately 187 jongjillion hours on a plane, I arrived in Seattle. As I’m sure you are aware if you have in any way communicated with me since August 8th, my birthday is this Sunday. And this trip is my gift.

I am out here to visit one friend I’ve known since I was 10 years old, and one friend I’ve known since I was 4. (I will be 34 on Sunday if that makes the math any easier for you.)

It’s always a gift to have friends, especially ones who have known you for so long (and who still like you anyway.) My Seattle friend and I went to elementary school together, and we loved to entertain ourselves by highlighting what were, to us, the seemingly mystical connections between us. My initials were JLD; her initials were JLC (spooky, huh?) And we were born at the same hospital, 9 days apart (can’t you just hear the music from the “Twilight Zone”?) We liked to joke that we were “Twins Separated At Birth”, which was funny for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she is (and always was) tall, lithe, graceful, and elegant. And I…am not. Not even a little bit.

My other friend was special because she always knew things I didn’t. Her mom was a nurse, and so she was always the first person around me to be conversant in The Facts Of Life. Even now, 30 years later, I find myself remembering things she said and having little “Aha!” moments (“O-o-h, so that’s what she meant!”)

I really wish I could say that I had some awesomely funny stories from our past adventures to share here with you now. But unfortunately I do not, because I was back then (as I continue to be now) just a Big Giant Nerd, but without any of the redeeming qualities I now possess that allow me to make up for that fact. Now, I am “witty”; then, I was just a geek. So all of my stories from that time would pretty much go like this:

I was very short and my hair always bushed out.

I did not know how to dress or how to talk to people.

I thought I knew everything.

But I was really stupid and embarrassing.

The End

So to conclude this extremely long and entirely rambling post that does not actually say anything (See: Hours spent on a plane, 187 jongjillion), I promise to be on the lookout for stories that contain some actual humor. Or at least, some pretty pictures for you to look at.

Chain Reaction

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Have you ever had one of those days where you have clearly mapped out everything you need to do that day, but Thing #2 depends on Thing #1, and Thing #3 depends on Thing #2, and everything is woven together in an interlocking chain of Stuff That Is Not Getting Done because you can not, for the life of you, figure out how to complete Thing #1? Well the other day was like that for me.

Normally this is entirely my fault, since Thing #1 is usually something like, “Put on clothes.” (Dammit, you mean there’s no naked grocery shopping today? Well, forget it. There’s no point in even showing up for this day then!) But this day was a bit trickier, because Thing #1 was, “Make The Vacuum Cleaner Not Smell Like Poo”. [Read more…] about Chain Reaction

Why I Love My Husband So Much: Reason #1

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He “gets” me.

Today my husband invited me out to lunch, and as we were eating I was telling him how I was kind of nervous about a meeting I will be attending tomorrow. Everyone is very nice and very welcoming, but they have the entire agenda planned out Minute. By. Minute. and everyone has a specific title that you must use when referring to them, and basically there is just a lot of protocol, all of which I am completely unfamiliar with.

It’s not that I don’t respect those kinds of things, or that I purposefully want to be disrespectful. It’s just that I’m nothing if not non-conformist, and I’m afraid that the stress of trying to follow all of those rules will just build up inside of me until the point where I lose all control over myself and just start screaming out “ASS! ASS! ASS!”in the middle of the meeting because I can no longer take all the pressure.

Not only was my husband not horrified by this confession, he actually thought it was pretty funny. And then he offered an extremely insightful comment on my situation, saying, “Hm, kind of like Tourette’s by stress?”

Exactly.

See? He really gets me.

Why I Love My Husband So Much: Reason 6

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Image courtesy of Free Photo.

His sense of humor, as evidenced by the following conversation we had when discussing what to plant in our front yard.

Me: “I like things like sunflowers and daisies. I want to plant happy flowers, flowers that welcome you to our home.”

My husband: “OK that’s fine, but I really don’t think that there are any flowers that actually tell people to go f*#@ off.”