On today’s episode, NCIS is tasked with protecting their Medical Examiner, Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard, and his 96-year old, dementia-ridden, Welsh Corgi owning mother.

Dr. Mallard and Special Agent Caitlin Todd open the door to the dining room of the Mallard house to find that Special Agent Tony DiNozzo has been roped into blowdrying one of Mrs. Mallard’s five dogs.

Ducky: “Mother, may I present Caitlin? She works with Tony and me.”

Mrs. Mallard: spits at Kate across the table.

Ducky: “Mother, we talked about this. Caitlin is here to protect us.”

Mrs. Mallard: “Show me your knickers.”

Kate (completely taken aback): “Um, ma’am?”

Mrs. Mallard: “Your underwear, missy.”

Tony looks up, quite interested in the direction this conversation is taking.

Mrs. Mallard: “One can always tell a woman’s intention from her panties.”

Tony smirks across the table at Kate while giving “Contessa” a final brushing.

Tony: “That’s always been my philosophy.”

From Season Two, “The Meat Puzzle”

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
With the new shows all coming,
The Internet humming
Fall premieres are here!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the hap, happiest season of all.
With steamy love triangles,
Relationship tangles
The thrill of it all!
It’s the hap, happiest season of all.

There’ll be plot analyzing,
Hysteria rising and
Message boards having their say.

There’ll be mayhem and murders
surprising plot turns
Favorite characters fading away.

It’s the most wonderful time,

It’s the most wonderful time,

It’s the most won-der-ful time

of the year!

Now that the television season is over and all of our shows are on summer hiatus, my husband and I have been looking for something new to watch in the evenings. We really like crime procedurals, so we’ve started watching two new series: “Lie To Me”, and “The Mentalist”. Of course, all these shows tend to follow some predictable patterns, so my husband and I have been amusing ourselves by listing all the “morals of the stories” as we see them repeated over the course of the two shows.

“See,” he said, as we finished watching another episode, “what did I tell you? If your lawyer tells you to shut up, then you need to do what he says and shut up.”

“Yep,” I agreed.

“Also,” he continued, “don’t lie to the police.”

“Right,” I agreed.

“They will catch you.”

“Mm hm.”

“And,” he concluded, “if you’re gonna rape your daughter, and then kill her because she stops you from raping her, don’t keep a gun in your house that your wife can shoot you with.”

“We should write these down,” I suggested.

“Hm, well,” he said, “that last one might have been a bit specific.”