Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Thursday Thirteen #27: Thirteen Books That Have Changed My Life

By 9 Comments

1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

2. Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach

3. Take Time For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson

4. The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

5. A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson

6. Loving what Is by Byron Katie

7. Ask And It Is Given by Jerry and Esther Hicks

8. The Lightworkers Way by Doreen Virtue

9. The Joy Diet by Martha Beck

10. Do You Think I’m Beautiful by Angela Thomas

11. Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge

12. You Matter More Than You Think by Leslie Parrott

13. The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Where Do Pets Come From?

By 3 Comments

Thanks to my father-in-law for this.

********

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

For Any Children Of The ’80’s

By 4 Comments

You might enjoy this article entitled, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the secret to life”.

“Recently, however, while watching my all time favourite movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, it dawned on me that everything you need to know about life is contained in the 102 minute running time of this ’80s classic,” says the author.

Living Life Backwards

By 1 Comment

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you buy a mansion on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then…

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then…

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

-Author Unknown

English 101

By 4 Comments

An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote, “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the females in the class wrote, “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Punctuation is powerful.

And don’t you know this just warmed the cockles of my little Grammar Snob heart.

Golf Is Flog Spelled Backwards

By 8 Comments

Last weekend I attended the final day of a golf tournament, and as I stood just 12 feet away from the amazing physical specimen that is Tiger Woods as he teed off on the 18th hole, just a few short strokes away from winning the entire championship, I was vividly reminded once again that, as a golfer? I make a damn fine humor writer.

I have always had an a stormy relationship with golf, beginning with my first golf lesson at age 9 and continuing up through last Sunday, when I was unable to lend my full attention to the actual tournament play due to the unfortunate propensity of my pants to unzip at random times as I walked the course. Because nothing says class and sophistication like the occasional flash of your hoo-ha. (Unless you are a drunk, twenty-something college guy who thinks it is COMPLETELY appropriate to appear in public wearing brown, patchwork, vertically-plaided Bermuda shorts with a light green and white, horizontally striped, polo shirt. Holy. Hell. If there was ever an argument for allowing us everyday citizens to be armed with tiny, semi-poisonous blow dart guns, This. Was. It.)

[Read more…] about Golf Is Flog Spelled Backwards

Mixed Metaphors

By 2 Comments

I found these yesterday at Stray Thoughts when I was making the Thursday Thirteen rounds and I just had to post them here because they are so funny.

1. “I don’t want anybody stepping on anybody else’s thunder.”
2. “You can’t pull the sheep over my eyes!”
3. “That guy’s a bullhead in a china shop.”
4. “We don’t want this project to snowball into a can of worms.”
5. “We were up the creek in a hand bag.”
6. “It’s best not to open that can of wax.”
7. “Let’s pair up into threes.”
8. “I just thought myself into a corner.”
9. “We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change.”
10. “Once you open a can of worms, they always come home to roost.”
11. “She grabbed the bull by the horns, and ran with it.”
12. “They were up a tree without a paddle.”
13. “He’s got too many oars in the fire.”
14. “We’ll tackle that bridge when we come to it.”
15. “I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
16. “You can beat a dead horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
17. “Those two get on like a horse on fire.”
18. “You’ve buttered your bread, now lie in it.”
19. “Grasping at the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
20. “Don’t burn your bridges till you come to them.”
21. “He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
22. “It’s as plain as the egg on your face.”