Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

You Know You’re In Your Thirties When…

By 4 Comments

…you can no longer understand the messages conveyed by the music videos that fueled your teenage years.

I’m sure that when we watched the video for “Shout” by Tears For Fears back in the 80’s, we understood, on a deep cellular and metaphysical level, the reason for the angst that was consuming the band during the performance of this song.

But now it just leads to conversations like this:

My husband: “I’ve never seen quite that level of teeth before when someone is singing.”

Me: “I know. It’s kind of scary.”

TFF: “Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without.”

My husband: “What things? What things?! We’d shout with you if we knew what the hell you were talking about!”

For Any Children Of The ’80’s

By 4 Comments

You might enjoy this article entitled, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the secret to life”.

“Recently, however, while watching my all time favourite movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, it dawned on me that everything you need to know about life is contained in the 102 minute running time of this ’80s classic,” says the author.

This Is My Brain…

By 2 Comments

Do you remember this commercial from the 80’s?

Picture of an egg: “This is your brain.”

Picture of an egg frying in a pan: “This is your brain on drugs.”

Well, I’m feeling a real affinity for that commercial this morning. and I’m thinking that I could revive that ad campaign by making my own, updated version of that commercial. Only mine would not be about substance abuse. Mine would say, “This is my brain after four days of an extremely inflamed shoulder muscle, which was then poked with what felt like really sharp sticks, but was actually a licensed health care professional using medically approved health care tools.” Catchy, huh?

The purpose of my commercial would be to illustrate the process my mind undergoes as it searches for the perfect, most articulate, most precise method of utilizing swear words to describe this particular pain. (Hey, I never said my commercial would have any deep or meaningful purpose.)

Step 1: I mentally inventory all the “bad” words I know, often trying them out in a Fill-In-The-Blank, Complete The Following Sentence With The Best Word sort of situation.

For example, “_____, my shoulder hurts!” Or, “My shoulder hurts like_____!” (This is where all my years as a language teacher really come in handy.)

Step 2: Once I’ve settled on the perfect word I play around with it a bit, to see if there are any ways that I can embellish it.

For example, Can I string it out by adding extra syllables? Can I stress it in a different way? Can I pronounce it in a funny accent?

Step 3: Next I look for a catchy theme song or a kicky advertising jingle, in order to set my words to music.

I don’t need to provide an example here, because I know that if you’re reading this post, you’re already experimenting with this process for yourself.

Step 4: Generally by this time the pain meds have begun to kick in, so my song drifts down to the level of a mantra, or a tribal chant.

For example, “BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BU-um, BUM.”

I’m not really sure what happens next because, if all has gone according to plan, at this point I am finally asleep. Or, at the very least, I am enjoying the benefits of a heavily medicated stupor, cradled by this gentle lullaby: “BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BU-um, BUM.”