Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Blog Fodder #4

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What is the best practical joke you have ever participated in, or one that was done on you?

A couple of weekends ago my husband and I went out for Chinese with a friend of ours. I was off in my own little world (as I frequently am), and eventually I started singing along with the Christmas muzak that was playing in the background.

“Uh, what are you doing, Jenny?” my husband asked me.

“I’m singing along with the Christmas music.”

“What music?”

“You know, the music.” I sang a few additional bars to demonstrate.

“I don’t hear anything.”

This was alarming for a number of reasons. First of all, I wasn’t just hearing a faint tune in my head. I was hearing completely-scored, full-orchestral arrangements. So if I was having delusions or hallucinations, they were pretty far advanced. Second, much of the music I was hearing prominently featured the pan flute, and I was very concerned that my hallucinations chose to express themselves through such an odd instrument.

I tried everything to get them to hear the music. I sang louder. I switched seats with them. I had them stand in different spots in the restaurant. Nothing.

Now I was really freaked out because, as inventive as I am, I could not come up with an explanation for this. Fortunately my husband noticed that I was fast becoming A Woman On The Edge, and before I could announce that I was leaving the restaurant and immediately checking myself into some kind of treatment facility, he let me know that they were just messing with me.

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Welcome To My World

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While making the Blog Fodder rounds last week I found this awesomely hysterical, and excruciatingly accurate post over at BritCats which I just had to mention here. It is entitled, “Wrapping Presents (With A Cat).”

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.

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I’m It

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Sparky, of “Philly Transplant”, just tagged me for the following meme:

The Rules:

Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

I didn’t know how I could possibly pick out just six of my, um, “eccentricities”, so I decided to ask my husband what he would choose. So here is his list, about me.

“Well, you need to start with your toes,” was his first thought. Oh sure, Mr. “I-Have-Beautifully-Formed-Arches-And-Perfectly-Sculpted-Long-Elegant-Toes”, point out my completely flat feet with toes that curl under why don’t you. It’s not like my self-esteem has taken a big hit with that whole witch thing or anything. [Read more…] about I’m It

And Clearly My Powers Continue To Grow

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Because, as per last week’s Friday’s Feast, apparently my holiday really would be “All Hail The Supreme Empress Of The Universe Day.”

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,

beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home

decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Carols With A Modern Twist

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When I was making the Thursday Thirteen rounds this week I found this FANTASTIC list of “updated” Christmas carols at Unseal My Lips that I totally had to steal borrow and post here.

1)Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia – I Don’t Remember If I’ll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic – Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic – Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And…

5) Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid – Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I’m Gonna Cry, and I’ll not Tell You Why

8) Full-Personality Disorder – Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia – I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia – Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Bonus:
14)Attention Deficit Disorder – We Wish You…Hey Look!! It’s Snowing!!!

Friday’s Feast #122

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Appetizer: What was your very first job with a paycheck?

The summer after my first year in college I was so proud of myself, because I’d finally found myself my first job. Being only eighteen years old at the time, I didn’t think it was at all suspicious that the job involved meeting at some central location and being picked up en masse in some unknown van to then be taken to some secondary location.

Fortunately my mom, in her infinite wisdom, recognized that this might not be the best thing for me to do (I believe the words “White Slave Trade” might have come up in our discussion), and she enlisted the help of my dad who then found me a much better job working in the marketing department of a local museum.

Soup: Did you ever lose something really important to you?

If we’re talking about material objects here, then I would have to say no. This would be due to the fact that I’m kind of obsessive about my stuff, and if it’s not right here in front of me in my line of sight at all times, I tend to freak out.

This can be kind of a problem when it comes to things with the ability to move from one place to the other on their own, like our three cats.

Salad: What is the best Christmas present you ever received?

Anything I’ve ever received from my husband. He is superb, not only at picking out fantastic gifts, but also at presenting them in very cool ways.

Our parents used to live across the street from each other (which is how we met), and back when we were in college and my Christmas gift involved his re-sizing rings for me, he hid my rings and created a treasure hunt with clues that spanned both sides of the street.

Another year, after we were married, he bought me the entire 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary. Because what is a better gift for an OCD word-nerd than something that contains every single word in the English language known to man up until that time?

Main Course: Tell about a favorite “hang out” place for you and your friends when you were in high school.

My friend Liz’s house. Her parents always liked having us over, and at exam times she, I, and our friend, Julie, would camp out for days in her rec room, which her parents then aptly referred to as, “The Cave”.

Dessert: Name something that always brings a smile to your face.

Me! And my goofy-ass way of looking at the world.

Dine For Yourself

Sometimes, Math Hurts

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Yesterday I tutored one of the eleventy-thousand high school students who have a Spanish exam coming up this week. After we had finished and I was walking him to the door he said, “Man, I can’t wait until next semester when I get to start fresh with a brand new 100 in Spanish!”

“Um, not to burst your bubble or anything,” (Liar, liar pants on fire! Anytime anyone says that, that is of course exactly what they want to do!) I said, “but that’s not actually true. You don’t start each semester with a 100, and then your teacher takes points away from you. You start each semester with a zero, and then everything you do earns points towards your grade.”

Imagine a baby, sitting in a field of golden sunshine, surrounded by tiny butterflies, happily playing with a ball while puppies and kittens look benevolently on. Then imagine that you stride up to that baby, smack that ball right out of its hands, and start yelling at it, for no reason. Imagine the expression on that baby’s face when, smack in the middle of all of that goodness, it discovers that such wretchedness and misery exists in this world.

That’s pretty much what this student’s face looked like after I’d finished breaking this news to him. So if you heard any cosmic shrieking yesterday, or sensed any rending in the fabric of the universe, don’t worry. It was only me, shattering the illusions of the young and the innocent.

And incidentally, this is exactly why I majored in words.

Thursday Thirteen #16: Thirteen Fun Gifts From Archie McPhee

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Thirteen Fun Gifts From Archie McPheebacon1. Bacon and Egg Bandagesmucus

2. Space Mucus

boss

3. Boss Toss

gum

4. Nihilist Chewing Gum

bacon

5. Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon

library

6. Deluxe Librarian Action Figure

brows

7. Mega Brows

curtain
8. Monkey Shower Curtain

mugs

9. Pirate Grog Mugs

duck

10. Ninja Devil Duckie

11. What Would Bacon Do? Deluxe Spin Folder

ball

12. Monkey Groan Ball

it

13. The Cubes IT Set


Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

(leave your link in comments, I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Blog Fodder #3

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Do You Have Any Memories Of A Childhood Illness?

In 1984, when I was in the sixth grade, I got the Chicken Pox. Back then, if mothers heard about a child who had the Chicken Pox, they would rush to bring their children over to the afflicted child’s house and expose them to this virus. A child with the Chicken Pox had a kind of weird, twisted, Simon Cowell-esque celebrity back then with other parents: “Oh, pick my child! Expose my child! Infect my child, please!”

So I missed two weeks of school, and when I finally went back I was covered with tiny red scabs, which of course my classmates never noticed, and certainly never used as an excuse to invent rumors of my contracting wacky and exotic diseases. Twelve and thirteen year olds are so sensitive and gracious in that way.

One day I was bored, and I decided to circle each and every scab with a ballpoint pen. That, of course, was the answer I was looking for, as inking up my scabs made them practically invisible to the naked eye (NOT!)

And to cap this all off, I vividly remember that as soon as I had finally recovered, an article appeared in the newspaper describing how researchers had finally discovered a vaccine for the very illness I had just suffered through. Twelve years old is so young to learn about the concept of irony, don’t you think?

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