Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Recent Events That Have Made Me Feel Like A Big Giant Goober

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1. The fact that my husband had to FORBID ME TO CLEAN while recovering from pneumonia. (What? I thought housework was part of the treatment for lung disorders.)

2. The fact that when I told this to one of my friends she replied, “You are a wanker and you need to be beaten!” (Because there’s nothing like the loving support of your friends.)

3. The fact that I don’t actually know what a “wanker” is. (I had a very sheltered childhood and adolescence. Just ask my husband.)

4. The fact that I recently found myself in the grocery store having hot, sweaty, lustful thoughts about all of the Swiffer products that it’s now possible to buy. (I really have no explanation for this at all. Although now #1 might not seem quite so weird.)

5. The fact that it’s taken me an entire year to understand what my friend means when she uses the phrase “it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway” when describing intimate physical relationships and the size of a man’s, uh, “cash and prizes”. (I told you I was sheltered.)

Thursday Thirteen #13: Thirteen Sites I Really Like

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Thirteen Sites I Really Like

1. Cafe Entrepreneur

2. Mighty Maggie

3. 28 Years Later

4. Square Peg People

5. Musings From The Edge

6. Bone Sigh Arts

7. Julie Unplugged

8. Artella

9. Denise Mihalik(who took the picture of me that is on my blog header)

10. Christina’s Shoebox

11. Baggage That Goes With Mine

12. A Flyover Blog

Editor’s Note: OK, I knew I was bad at math, but I had no idea that I’d lost my ability to count! Here’s #13:

13. Miss Britt


Editors Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

(leave your link in comments, I'll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Surrender

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Yesterday, in our continuing efforts to break up with our bank, I went to clean out our safety deposit box and turn in our keys. I also had to sign our original contract and state that I had, in fact, done these things. Interestingly enough this act was not referred to as anything like “Termination of Contract” or “End of Rental Agreement.” It was termed “Surrender“, which I thought was ironically appropriate, given the fact that we’ve been locked in unending mortal combat with this institution for the past year.

So yes, we may have surrendered this particular battle. But seeing as how we have already opened up new accounts with a bank that does not cause its customers to feel as if they are being repeatedly and inappropriately violated in their most tender parts with sharp, pointy objects, we are most definitely winning the war.

Sometimes, The Universe Smiles

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Today my husband called me into the living room to watch the video “White and Nerdy” by Weird Al. And before we go any further, you must stop whatever you are doing right now and watch this video, if only to see Donny Osmond perform the most hysterically awesome Nerdy White Man Dance in the entire history of time.

Then when the video finished, we proceeded to act out our own version of “Nerdy” right in our very own kitchen.

Me: “We need to do some laundry.”

My husband: “Do we have enough detergent?”

Me: “You told me that there was enough for one more load.”

My husband: (eyes me suspiciously)

My husband: “Oh that’s right, what was I thinking? You’ve been knocked out this whole week.”

And it was then that I understood. I have spent the past week recovering from pneumonia, and I have a really hard time being sick because I hate to be bored. So my husband was worried that, despite his prohibition on such activities, I’d snuck behind his back this week and performed housework. Because, sadly enough, that is what I do when I can no longer contain my inner rebel: I look for something to clean.

Me: “Don’t worry, dude. I promise I haven’t done any illicit loads of laundry this week.”

What Jesus Wants

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Today dooce referenced a song that sent me flashing back to my early years. She mentions “trying to coax Leta into singing Mormon hymns over the phone one more time. Jesus, he wants her for a sunbeam”. I think that someone, somewhere must have decided that Jesus wants all young children for sunbeams, because I too sang that song, but as a (former) Baptist, not as a (former) Mormon.

However Jesus appears to be keeping up with the times, because yesterday he emailed me. And now, instead of wanting me “for a sunbeam, to shine for him each day”, he wants me to refinance our house with his mortgage company. “Our loan department is trying to reach you One Last Time since previous attempts to contact you all failed.” Apparently I missed the burning bush and the pillar of fire by night, so he had to resort to email.

The times, they are a-changing.



Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Elementary School Bulletin Boards


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Yesterday, despite having what the doctor at the Urgent Care Center later described as, “possibly early pneumonia”, I went with my husband to vote. Our polling place is a local elementary school, and as we walked down the main corridor we saw a bulletin board celebrating the upcoming holidays.


This particular layout was dedicated to Thanksgiving. It was covered in traditional browns and oranges with a three-dimensional turkey in the center surrounded by paper plates, as if to resemble a table set for the big holiday meal. All of the paper plates had words written on them, instead of representations of food. Three of the plates had words you’d expect to find on a elementary school’s holiday bulletin board, things like “food”, “family”, and “fun”. But the fourth plate? The fourth plate was what made me stop dead in my tracks because on it was written the word, (and I swear I am not making this up), “DIABETES”.


Because nothing brings families together or says “Happy Thanksgiving!” like a shared fear that enjoying your favorite holiday meal will lead to an irreversible destruction of your body’s ability to produce and manage its own insulin.


Government By The People


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Tonight in the car, on the way home from voting.


Me (to my husband): “What is eminent domain?”


My husband (so stunned that he physically recoils): “Did you take Civics?”


Me: “Ye-es.”


My husband (in a tone that clearly says, I cannot believe I let you sleep in my bed every night): “Do you watch the news?”


Me: “No. Could you please just answer my question without trying to make me feel bad?”


My husband: “Um, no, apparently not.”