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My Secret Is Out

October 21, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

You know how sometimes people have those disorders where they do all kinds of crazy things in their sleep without knowing it, like eating, walking around town, and experiencing intimate, climactic moments with the unsuspecting people around them?

Well if the eleventy thousand emails that I’ve received today are to be believed, apparently my sleep disorder involves logging onto my computer in the dead of night and ordering an entire continent’s worth of medicine designed to enhance my Very Special Man Parts.

I wonder if there’s some kind of medicine for that?

Filed Under: Sometimes Spam Is Funny Tagged With: funny spam

Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Teenagers

October 17, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 1 Comment

Yesterday I was working on some new vocabulary words with one of my students. She quickly scanned the list, and from time to time I heard her mutter one of the words under her breath.

“Bargain…department store…size…oh, and there’s the gay man’s section.”

“What?!” I asked, apparently having missed that particular term during my own perusal of the list.

“Jenny,” she replied, in a tone designed to convey that, truly, my stupidity was beyond her ability to comprehend, “it’s synthetic fabrics.”

Filed Under: CFG And Her Students, CFG Says, What?!, Teaching: It's Not For Wimps

When God Wants To Do A Handstand

October 16, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

“So I stood up and did a handstand on my Guru’s roof, to celebrate the notion of liberation….This kind of thing-a spontaneous handstand-isn’t something a disembodied cool blue soul can do, but a human being can do it. We have hands; we can stand on them if we want to. That’s our privilege. That’s the joy of a mortal body. And that’s why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through our hands.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert,
Eat Pray Love

Filed Under: CFG Loves Things Wordy Tagged With: eat pray love, elizabeth gilbert, quotes

The Truth Of The Matter

October 15, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 5 Comments

Jean Browman of Cheerful Monk tagged me to participate in this meme called “Caring, Compassion, Charity”. According to Alex Shalman, the originator, its purpose is to “write about the top 1 or 2 causes that simply make your palms sweat, your heart bleed, and send tears rolling down your cheeks. Make sure you tell everyone why this cause is so important to you as an individual….As people open up what they’re truly passionate about, we’ll get a better grasp on what WE can do to change the world, and why it’s important.”

So I had this whole, long, elaborate blog post all planned out to talk about why I love what I do so much, which is tutor high school students in Spanish. I was going to talk about how satisfying it is to have the time to work one-on-one with specific kids over long periods of time, and to have the ability to establish a relationship with them where they see me as an adult they can trust and talk to about all manner of life issues. I was going to talk about how gratifying it is to see a student, who would normally fall through the cracks in the typical high school environment, blossom when they finally get the chance to be seen, heard, and appreciated. I was going to talk about how exciting it is in that moment when the student finally connects with their own, unique ability to learn, and sees that, “Oh yeah, I really can do this!”

I really do love what I do, for all of those reasons and more. But the truth of the matter is that, when it all comes down, I really love getting to spend all my time having conversations like this:

I am working with a student, and have just asked him to write all his vocabulary words down on a sheet of paper, with the Spanish word on the left and its English translation on the right.

My student: sighing, because he doesn’t know most of the words and has to look each one up in the dictionary.

My student: tiring of doing the assignment “the long way”, gets the bright idea to try and trick me into giving him the answers.

Me: not stupid, unfortunately for him.

My student (casually sliding his hand over the paper so that I can’t see what is-or what isn’t-written there. Unfortunately for him, he’s a few minutes too late.): “Um, I can’t read what I wrote right there. What does ‘barato’ mean again?”

Me: “You mean you can’t read what you ‘wrote’ there in that blank space, the space where you never actually put anything down?”

My student (stunned): “Wow. Usually that works.”

Me: “I’ve tutored a lot of students.” (And dude, you’re 12. It’s not like you’re some sort of Criminal Mastermind.)

I love my work.

Filed Under: CFG And Her Students, Teaching: It's Not For Wimps Tagged With: being a tutor, why i love tutoring

Things That Make You Say, “What?!”: Dubious Compliments

October 14, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

A friend, on recommending to us that we make the acquaintance of one of her friends, gave us the following glowing reference:

“He’s comfortable with his hate.”

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, Playing Well With Others

A Little Learnin’ Is A Dangerous Thing

October 10, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

Today I was talking with a woman who works in an elementary school about the effect of sex ed on one of her 5th graders.

Apparently he was causing problems in his classroom, so she pulled him into the hallway to ask him what was going on.

“I just can’t do my work today,” he declared dramatically.

“Well, why not?” she asked.

Confident in the unassailable excuse provided him by his newfound knowledge he replied, “Because of MY PUBERTY!”

Filed Under: People Say The Funniest Things, Teaching: It's Not For Wimps Tagged With: funny stories, teaching

Not Quite The Kind Of Publicity I Was Looking For

October 9, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

Yesterday I received the following email from a friend of mine who has published some of my essays on her website:

“Jenny

was just looking at my stats..and THIS was one of the keywords used to find something on my site: “jenny ryan naked”

oh PULEEZ tell me that you have an essay up that includes your name and the word naked!! lol

otherwise..well…I don’t know…you’re young and adorable and all..but if you’re posing naked all over the internet I’m gonna be wondering…”

So here I am once again, using my powers for good by inadvertently scarring the imaginations of all my friends.

(Incidentally, I believe this particular keyword phrase was a result of this essay I wrote last year.)

Filed Under: CFG Grapples With Technology, Using My Powers

The Unbearable Restlessness Of Being

October 8, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

Today is my birthday (YAY!), and to celebrate I went to North Carolina last weekend to see my family.

My brother and his wife were there, and as a couple who have been married a little over a year they were discussing all the various adjustments they have been going through as newlyweds. Apparently sleep has been kind of an issue for them, as one of them goes to sleep and stays in the same position all night, and one of them moves around in their sleep. A Lot.

My brother described it in the following way:

“Are you familiar with Restless Leg Syndrome?” he asked us.

We were.

“Well, we’ve decided that [my sister-in-law] has Restless Existence Syndrome.”

Filed Under: Playing Well With Others Tagged With: funny stories, marriage

This Has Kind Of Been The Theme Of My Past Week

October 3, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 5 Comments

(my trainer, raising the incline level from 0 to 7 (!!) on the treadmill yesterday for a little interval training)

“I’m gonna raise your cardio if it kills me. Or you. Whichever comes first.”

And my trainer is not the only thing that’s been kicking my ass lately.

I’ve spent the past year doing tons of internal work to clear up a lot of the stuff surrounding my depression and decrease my medication. So I arrived at a really good place only to find that my depression had been masking some huge, intense, and at times, paralyzing anxiety.

So I’ve pretty much spent the past week just wanting to punch life right in the face, along with trying very hard not to peel off all my skin and leave my body. Needless to say, that hasn’t left a lot of time or energy for the funny.

What doesn’t kill you may make you stronger, but before it does that it sure as hell puts you through the wringer.

Filed Under: Where Jenny Talks About Her Feelings Tagged With: anxiety and depression

Just Another Wednesday Night At The Ryan’s

September 26, 2007 By Jenny Ryan 10 Comments

(The phone rings. It’s my parents.)

My dad: “Jennifer! I need to talk to you RIGHT! NOW!”

Me (sitting down, just in case): “OK.”

My dad: “Are you familiar with a product called ‘Vera Mist’?”

Me (realizing that it’s OK to relax, yet not entirely sure where this is going): “Um, no.”

My dad: “Well, your mother and I were just watching TV and we saw a commercial for it. Apparently it’s a new nasal spray.”

Me: “Hm.”

My dad: “And you know how they have all that small print at the bottom of the screen, like ‘Not for use for children under 12’ and things like that?”

Me: “Yeah.”

My dad: “Well, one of the disclaimers said-and I swear, this is exactly what it said-‘It is not entirely known how Vera Mist works.’

Me: (now in dire need of some Vera Mist myself, due to all the snorts of laughter.)

My dad (imitating a marketing executive): “Yeah, we don’t actually know what our product does. But why don’t you just go ahead and squirt it right up your nose anyway? Near your brain!”

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, Commercials: Viruses For Your Brain Tagged With: you can see where i get my sense of humor from

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