Harnessing the healing power of snark
I just called my husband at work and had the following conversation.
Me: “Hey. I have a quick math question for you.”
My husband: “OK.”
Me: (feeling all proud of myself for my carefully thought-out question) “OK, I need to know how many MB’s correspond to 7 JPG’s.”
My husband: “That’s like asking, ‘How many cars does it take to go 70 mph?’ ”
Me: (totally deflated): “Oh.”
Stupid math.
My husband is currently playing a game called “Civilization 4” on the Xbox. Basically, you play as your choice from a selection of famous rulers (Alexander the Great, Isabella of Spain, Mao Tse Tung, etc.), and then you try to be the first to build up your civilization and take over all of the others.
That in and of itself really isn’t very noteworthy. Neither is the fact that you, as the ruler, are supported by a number of different advisers. Or the fact that the adviser characters are voiced, rather than simply appearing as text conversations on the screen.
However, what is a little bit distracting about this game is the fact that these characters, characters who were voiced by actual actors, actors who auditioned for and were then paid money to perform these roles, SPEAK ENTIRELY IN GIBBERISH.
Here is an actual, phonetic, transcription of some of their helpful advice:
Minister of Trade and Commerce: (as she is advising you on how to allocate all of your resources) “Oh dumb brew. Ah key wayn wee lahm. Hick wahn hoo ee. Fall-uhm, fall-uhm.”
Me: “What the…Are they speaking…?”
My husband: (totally unconcerned as he conquers Spain, France, and Italy.) “They’re speaking gibberish.”
Minister of Culture: (advising you that a neighboring city would like to convert to your culture.) “Oh bah bow lee shaw. Boo ee la. Ba oh boo! Bah dah doo-ew.”
Me (unable to get past the gibberish): “Do you think they hired real people to voice these characters? I mean, how would you brag about being cast in this role? ‘Dude, I just got this part, and nothing I say makes any sense at all!’ ”
My husband: (unable to respond as he is currently vanquishing Queen Elizabeth I, Mao Tse Tung, Abraham Lincoln, and Alexander the Great.)
Minister of Technology: “Vee zah schtah sahn. Ook vahn ahn schtan!” (And did I mention that he punctuates every one of his statements with jazz hands? And that he ends every encounter with a little growl and sexy teeth snap in your direction? I COULD NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP IF I TRIED!)
Me: (still unable to get past the gibberish) “I mean, you’d think that if they were just going to have the characters speak nonsense, they would’ve just had a computer generate random syllables.”
My husband: (finishing up work on the seventh wonder of the world, preparing to launch the first space shuttle, and not even pretending to listen to me anymore as he achieves total financial, cultural, and domination victories over all other civilizations of this, and any other world.)
And that, my friends, is what separates the true gamers of the world from the mere pretenders like me.
Sunday
10:22am If I hear again that “UNC doing well in the NCAA tourney makes ALL ACC schools look better”, the Demon Deacon and I are going on a rampage.
11:09am The taxes are done! The taxes are done! Time for a celebratory Coke!
7:01pm Dear Lane Bryant: We who are already buying Big Girls’ Clothes don’t need to wear rhinestone-embellished anything. Don’t make us feel worse.
Tuesday
10:46am I’m so flattered that Pip just brought me a toy that I’m completely ignoring her scratching the s&*^ out of the couch. I’m so easy.
12:13pm There is pollen everywhere, AND it’s snowing. I didn’t know that pollen and snow could co-exist without the earth exploding.
2:54pm Dear Atlanta Weather: Please pick a mood and stick with it. Sincerely, My Fibromyalgia.
Wednesday
1:18pm I will admit that, at least today, fibromyalgia has made me its bitch.
6:26pm Fed cats at 5. Two hours later, they allege said “feeding” never occurred.
Thursday
9:14am It seem that the Internet Gremlins have eaten my website. I hope it gives them unrelenting, fiery heartburn.
10:51am I think I just accidentally watched some bird porn. Remind me never to look out my windows again.
4:28pm I think it sort of defeats the purpose when a so-called “inspirational” quote makes you yell “Bite me!” at the top of your lungs.
5:41pm 6 separate incidences of cat barfs + 1 website hacked = complete justification for going out and spending some money
Friday
12:46pm Man, my cat could really use a Xanax right now. He’s not GETTING one, I’m just saying, is all.
Saturday
10:19am OK. Time to throw my gnarly, knotted-up body on the mercy of my massage therapist. Lucky her.
Because I have always felt so much physical pain so intensely, and so often, I’ve never believed the people who claim that women get some sort of amnesia which allows them to forget the pain of childbirth, and go back to do it again. But I’m starting to suspect that maybe this actually is true, because I seem to have a similar type of amnesia myself entitled, “Hey, Now That Everything’s Kind Of Stabilized For Me, It Must Be Time For Me To Take It Upon Myself To Do Some Unsupervised Screwing Around With My Medications.”
This particular mental tic shows up once every three or four years or so, usually after I’ve been through an extended period of feeling good after a really horrific period of physical and/or mental hell. It’s almost like the hellish times are me in my “right” mind, and the happy times are when I’m mentally skewed, because it’s as if feeling good triggers some kind of mental defect that renders me utterly incapable of making the connection between the fact that I’m feeling good, and the fact that I’m taking my medications. It’s like a switch gets flipped in my brain that not only completely erases this thought from my mind, but actually prevents me from even being able to think it. Also, I completely forget, every single time, that this Never. EVER. Ends. Well. For. Me.
I’m getting better, though. This time I caught myself after only two days of what I referred to as, “my experiment”, and realized that I needed to cut it out and go back to the way things were. But still, I feel like every single politician who’s chosen to have an affair, or every executive who’s decided to steal from their company because, “Things will be different for me. Things will be different this time. I won’t have to face any consequences for what I’m doing.”
I’d label this as the definition of insanity, but I’m afraid that it might literally be true in this case, and I don’t think they make a pill for that.
Sunday
11:06am Is it wrong that my new favorite phrase is now “testicle festival”?
8:02pm Forgot my BIL and SIL’s 1st anniversary. I wonder how long I can continue to play the “fibro” card for things like this.
Monday
2:01pm Just got an email discussing my 15th COLLEGE reunion. How the hell did that happen?!?!
5:27pm Apparently, the Universe does not want me to go a day without the gift of gross. Thanks, Universe.
Tuesday
9:00am I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve decided that it’s time for me to break up with “Bones”.
10:01am Dear Nicholas Cage: Please don’t accept any more movie roles requiring you to assume a Southern accent. Sincerely, My Nervous System.
3:20pm Am attempting to link Twitter and my phone. Apologies in advance if this causes the earth to explode.
Friday
9:17am There is no Coke in my house. How did this happen?!
9:49am Today is one of those days where it really sucks to be the only human in the house
10:56am They can’t drive, cook, clean their box, do taxes for me: why do we have cats, again?
11:25am Hypothetically speaking, has anyone else needed a Xanax before they could sit down and work on their taxes? I’m just asking for a friend 😛
Saturday
11:51am Am attempting to mind-map some writing ideas, but am distracted by the fact that my cat seems to be getting a buzz from my Sharpies.
My Husband: “Have you ever been swept away by a wave of OCD so strong that it carried you to one complete extreme in the way that you did something, only to have it sweep you back later and compel you to completely undo the complex organizational system it forced you to construct in the first place?”
Me: “Uh, you’ve pretty much just described my entire life right there.”
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
While there are many things I can’t do (math-especially word problems, logic puzzles, anything involving a car other than driving it, computer programming, and, oh, I’m also missing whatever gene it is that enables you to operate electric can openers), one area in which I truly excel is that of the hand-written thank you note.
I was trained exceptionally well in this art by my mother, who explained that a graceful and elegant thank you note included the following aspects:
1. It was written by hand.
2. It mentioned, by name, the gift you received, and
3. It specifically described the manner in which you were using and enjoying the gift.
I paid attention whenever my mom talked about the rules of etiquette while I was growing up, because etiquette was a subject her family took very seriously-to the point of having etiquette-related discussions and practice lessons during their dinner hour. It must have been quite a shock, then, for her to end up with a daughter like me. (See: “The Word Ass, My Deep And Abiding Love For”)
But I did take her thank-you note lessons with me when I moved out on my own, so that by the time my husband and I got engaged and began to receive wedding gifts, I had honed my gratitude expression skills to Olympian heights. I had all thank-you notes written and ready to send BEFORE THE CEREMONY for every gift received before the wedding (and yes, I am STILL extremely proud of that, even thirteen years later, SHUT UP!)
But the gold medal, the jewel in my gratitude crown came three weeks after the wedding, when sadly, my husband’s grandfather passed away. As the family were all standing in the receiving line after the wake, I was introduced to one of my husband’s parents’ friends who said excitedly, “Oh, you’re the one who wrote that charming thank you note!” And I was so, SO excited, as if I actually had just won a gold medal in a hotly contested Olympic event, and had just stepped onto the platform to watch the American flag rise to the tune of “The Star Spangled Banner”, because, OMG! My thank-you notes and I had a fan!
(Yes, I know, I’m a sad, scary woman. I can already hear my sister-in-law snorting at me from two states away.)
But now I’m facing a challenge that was never covered in my personal etiquette training, which is the fact that we were recently gifted with a…toilet. A slightly used toilet, at that. I’ve never been in this situation before, and so I’ve spent a very large amount of time and energy trying to figure out exactly what the hell the correct response is to such a gift.
Because first of all, if I tried to use The Three Rules Of Thank-You Notes, well, then, er, you can see exactly where THAT would go-all my hard work and the reputation I’ve built up would go right down the…um, never mind.
Also, it doesn’t help that I’m still a little hazy on just how, exactly, we became the recipients of such a gift. I seem to remember my husband arriving home from work one day with a boxed-up toilet in the back of the Explorer, and joyfully announcing, “Guess what? [A guy from work] gave us a toilet!” It was really hard for me to share in his excitement because, 1-that was really weird, and, 2-I didn’t know we needed a toilet, and 3-did this guy just happen to have an extra toilet just lying around the house, and then one day he was all, “Hm, I wonder what I should do with this?” And then thought something like, “Extra toilet? I know-this would be perfect for the Ryans!”, and 4-EEWW, MY HUSBAND JUST BROUGHT HOME SOMEONE’S USED TOILET IN OUR CAR, AND NOW MY OCD HAS BEEN TRIGGERED SO BADLY THAT I WILL PROBABLY JUST DIE, RIGHT HERE IN THE GARAGE! I HOPE THE TOILET WAS WORTH IT!
Also, I know how things can sometimes go around here, and I was really afraid that this toilet would turn out to be exactly like The Horse Poo Episode of a few years back. (Important Side Note: And while we’re on that subject, earlier in the week my husband turned to me and asked, “Do we have any plans for Saturday?” “No,” I answered, wondering what cool thing he might be planning. “Why?” “Because I think it’s time to put in another order for some poo,” he replied.)
But happily, my husband was just as eager to install the toilet as I was to not have it sit in our garage for months and months, and so it has happily taken up residence in our bathroom and begun to perform its duties. (We shall not speak of its predecessor, which as of this writing still does reside in the garage. But I’m sure it is actually just moments away from being dragged to the curb by The Person Who Wanted A New Toilet In The First Place, And Who Is Not Currently Suffering From A Chronic Pain Disorder And Chronic Fatigue Like Some Other People Who Live Here, If You Get My Drift.)
Meanwhile, I’m just gonna have to hope that my husband was adequately able to express our thanks and gratitude to the toilet’s former owner because, honestly, hell if I know how to do it. But, in a fitting and ironic conclusion to this story, I will most likely be spending this weekend up to my ankles in s*&%.
Today I thought I’d do a post telling you all about the latest cool people and events I’ve found lately on Teh Internetz.
1. I was recently introduced to the blog of Jenny, “The Bloggess, whose posts are so funny I frequently find myself crying, because I’m laughing so hard. She’s not really suitable for work (NSFW), but holy crap is she hysterical. You should definitely read her if you need some perking up. The correspondence between her and “Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal” alone makes her blog worth reading.
2. Secondly, my awesome friend and coach, Lynne, has recently started an Internet Radio Show with her awesome friend and fellow coach, Christine, entitled, “Embracing the Polarities of Life: Irreverent and Radical Coaching Conversations with Christine and Lynne”. You do have to set up an account on Blog Talk Radio in order to listen to the live show and participate in the live chat, but it’s really easy to do, and very much worth it. You can also download previous shows and listen to them on your iPod or other portable music player. Today’s show is called, “Reclaiming Our Inner Sense of Timing: The Seduction of Yes~”
“Ever notice how good things look from a distance but then up close they shape shift into obligation rather than opportunity? You know the story, that thing you said yes to weeks ago sounded so fun or so easy to do way back then, yet when the time approaches you’re asking yourself “what was I thinking?” Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else. On this show we’ll burst the seductive bubble of believing we can say “yes” to every pretty thing that passes by and still hold onto our inner sense of timing.”
The show airs at 12pm Mountain Time, 2pm Eastern Time. See ya there!
3. I’ve known about Jennifer Louden, “The Comfort Queen” for a while now, but I was recently re-introduced to her work through a virtual retreat she conducted back in January. She has created a fantastic new online space for women called “The Comfort Cafe and Life Spa“, which I cannot recommend highly enough!
Each month there is a theme that we all sort of work on together-February’s was “Self Trust”, March’s has been “Resourcing”, and in April we will be talking about “Inspiration”.
You get an incredible amount of content for the monthly subscription fee, which at the present moment is only $12/month. There are message boards, frequent email “dollops”, a monthly teleclass, a monthly podcast with some sort of “Wisdom Expert”, Weekly Questions from her book, The Life Organizer to help us create a mindful week/life, and all kinds of other goodies.
It’s just been an amazing experience to connect with so many like-minded women, and if you are looking for your own support community, I would definitely recommend that you check it out!
4. One of my newest internet crushes is on the very cool Havi Brooks, who I discovered through Jennifer Louden’s work. Havi bills herself as a “destuckification” and “biggification” expert, and just the fact that she created her own words to describe her work makes me totally want to follow everything she does.
Plus, she sells what is probably the most perfect product for me, EVER, in the history of the entire universe:
You know, since I can sometimes tend to be a little bit of a Catastrophizing Drama Queen, uh, “tightly wound” sometimes.
I also have her
which is a deceptively simple, but unbelievably powerful technique that has helped me when I’ve felt like I’m stuck in a place where I’m just hitting my head over and over on the same, scary, painful brick wall.
I’m signed up to go to Jennifer Louden’s Writing Retreat this summer, and Havi is going to be there as well. I can’t wait to meet such cool people in person!!
5. My other latest internet crush is on the unbelievably prolific author, Isabel Joely Black. She writes a series of books telling the story of a world called Amnar
“THE STORY
Everything in Io’s life is about to change. She’s grown up fixing saddles for her older sister and Daar, the errand-runners in a city on the brink of war.
She believes she’s about to join in a fight to liberate the city from the oppressive forces of an Empire threatening to destroy them.
Except she’s about to find out that in fact, she’s destined to become the next leader of the very Empire she hates.
And she doesn’t have any choice about this. The man she was convinced was her sworn enemy is about to become her very own Servant…”
I have become completely captivated by this story, and the best part is that she releases a free podcast of a chapter every Friday, as part of TGIAD, or, “Thank God it’s Amnar Day.” You can download them through her website, or you can subscribe via iTunes.
6. Last but not least, I have become totally enamored with Twitter. And so, luckily for me, all of these amazingly cool people can also be found there, in my newest favorite playground.
Isabel Joely Black, aka “The Charm Quark”
And one special, extra bonus person: My sharp and funny friend, Karen, of Square Peg People.
Have a fabulous Monday everyone!
1. Health, or Whatever Passes For It These Days
March 22
3:44 PM Dear fibromyalgia: Why do you continue finding new ways to make me suffer? What did I ever do to you?
March 24
8:47 AM When your doctor tells you he can work you in to aspirate your swollen knee, do yourself a favor and do NOT google “aspirate” ahead of time.
8:51 AM I’m sure the imaging people hear all kinds of dubious excuses , but I really DID have to call out sick from my mammogram today.Honest.
10:34 AM Went to the doctor for my knee, came out with a diagnosis of high blood pressure.
10:34 AM Also: last month doctor said it was best not to take pain meds if at all possible; this month he said I can take up to 6 a day. WTF?
11:03 AM So now I have to figure out how to go low-sodium. I wonder if there’s such a thing as low-salt salt?
March 25
11:24 AM Now that I have to monitor my sodium intake, I’ve discovered this: the world is not made of atoms; the world is made of salt.
2. The Cats, and Other Assorted Wildlife
March 22
7:45 PM After all these years I really should’ve known. Tigger didn’t want me for affection; he wanted me for food. Silly me.
March 25
5:03 PM Tigger, I’m going to have to stop referring to you as “The Smart One” if you continue to eat your own hair off of the floor.
March 26
8:03 AM I would really like to think that my life has a larger purpose than simply that of being Servant To Their Mighty Royal Feline Highnesses.
March 28
10:17 AM The ants are now swarming across the kitchen floor. Perhaps it’s time to move and just let them have the house.
3. Miscellaneous
March 23
1:45 PM Oh, Twitter “group” organizing option, how you do captivate and seduce my pink, puffy, OCD heart!
March 25
2:51 PM Am tattooing this to my forehead: “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.” — Charles Dickens
March 28
10:20 AM Well it’s taken a while, but happily I no longer want to punch all the characters from the “Dollhouse” in the face at the end of every show.
11:34 AM Oh Russell Stover Chocolate Maple Cream Easter Egg, once again I have succumbed to your siren song.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
When my brother and I were growing up, my mom used to joke that he ought to have his own Frequent User Pass to the emergency room, since she ended up having to take him there so often. That’s how I’m feeling right now about every single one of my personal health care professionals, because I have to spend so much time in their offices these days. It’s a good thing I only have 2 tutoring clients right now, because managing my health care situation is a freaking full time job.
Fortunately, I have found really good doctors in all of the areas in which I need assistance. Unfortunately, none of them are near me, and none of them are near each other, either. So if you imagine Georgia as the entire Southeastern United States, then, say, on Monday, I will be seeing a doctor in Florida, on Tuesday I will have to go over to Tennessee, and on Thursday I will need to be up in North Carolina. If I could figure out how to get some kind of “frequent driver miles” deal, like people have with their credit cards and airline miles, we’d probably have enough points for round trip tickets to Hawaii by now. Not that we could actually go, since I can’t really travel much farther than my own living room right now, ON ACCOUNT OF ALL MY FUCKING HEALTH ISSUES!! It’s a vicious cycle.
So anyway, I had to travel to Metaphorical Alabama yesterday, since my left knee apparently thought it would be a good idea to spend the past week turning itself into a liquid pool of raging fire, and my pain management strategy of stabbing it repeatedly with a very sharp knife really wasn’t working all that well for me. So I went in to be seen for my knee, and I came out with…a diagnosis of high blood pressure. Which was weird, but kind of a relief, since I’d spoken with my doctor the night before and he’d mentioned the possibility of “aspirating the knee”, which I made the mistake of googling, and which turns out to mean something like, “sucking out the offending fluids with a syringe.” Which is attached to a needle. Which HURTS. But taking a pill? Hell, yeah, that’s easy. I’ve actually done that once, or twice, or eleventy thousand times before.
The high blood pressure thing wasn’t totally a surprise-it’s been slowly creeping up on me over the past couple of years, and there’s a long history of it in my family. But it still sucks. And after I recovered from the giddiness induced by Not Needing To Be Stuck In The Knee With A Giant Needle, I started contemplating how this new medical condition just provided further evidence of my epic failure as a human being. Because that’s what I do. Because deep, deep down inside I know that if I could just figure out how to “be better“, then none of this stuff would have happened to me. Because, as we all know, fibromyalgia, and sleep apnea, and high blood pressure are all questions of morality, and are personal judgments on your particular worthiness as a human being. And a heaping scoop of inner-directed loathing, topped with some intense self-hatred makes everything better.
It doesn’t help that I weigh more than is healthy for me, and so it’s easy for me to go off into the magical thinking that says that, if I could’ve just figured out how to stay thin, then I wouldn’t have any health problems. So I was hanging out in this story yesterday when, much like Saul of Tarsus, I was knocked to the ground by The Blinding Light Of The Universe Laughing Its Ass Off At Me. Because, HELLO, HAD I FORGOTTEN WHO I WAS?! I have always had health problems, since the moment of my birth. They started with a belly button that refused to heal and eight weeks of colic, and have continued apace right up until this very moment. As a matter of fact, I believe I spent all of grades 1-4 in my pediatrician’s office, being treated for one, unending ear infection.
Which doesn’t make this any easier. But it did at least snap me out of longing for the Imaginary Good Old Days of never being sick, and allow me to start pondering what’s next: finding out if there possibly is such as thing as low-salt salt.
