Because I have always felt so much physical pain so intensely, and so often, I’ve never believed the people who claim that women get some sort of amnesia which allows them to forget the pain of childbirth, and go back to do it again. But I’m starting to suspect that maybe this actually is true, because I seem to have a similar type of amnesia myself entitled, “Hey, Now That Everything’s Kind Of Stabilized For Me, It Must Be Time For Me To Take It Upon Myself To Do Some Unsupervised Screwing Around With My Medications.”
This particular mental tic shows up once every three or four years or so, usually after I’ve been through an extended period of feeling good after a really horrific period of physical and/or mental hell. It’s almost like the hellish times are me in my “right” mind, and the happy times are when I’m mentally skewed, because it’s as if feeling good triggers some kind of mental defect that renders me utterly incapable of making the connection between the fact that I’m feeling good, and the fact that I’m taking my medications. It’s like a switch gets flipped in my brain that not only completely erases this thought from my mind, but actually prevents me from even being able to think it. Also, I completely forget, every single time, that this Never. EVER. Ends. Well. For. Me.
I’m getting better, though. This time I caught myself after only two days of what I referred to as, “my experiment”, and realized that I needed to cut it out and go back to the way things were. But still, I feel like every single politician who’s chosen to have an affair, or every executive who’s decided to steal from their company because, “Things will be different for me. Things will be different this time. I won’t have to face any consequences for what I’m doing.”
I’d label this as the definition of insanity, but I’m afraid that it might literally be true in this case, and I don’t think they make a pill for that.