Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Thursday Thirteen #11: 13 Quotes From “Dirty Jobs”

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Thirteen Quotes From “Dirty Jobs”I love the show “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe. My favorite episode is the one where Mike goes to California to work on an ostrich farm. The following are quotes of dialogue between Doug, the actual ostrich farmer, and Mike (not so much an ostrich farmer).1. Doug: Ok, we’re gonna go feed ’em. Watch out for the big black ones.Mike: The big black ones are the males.Doug: Yeah.Mike: They’ll kick ya.

Doug: Uh…and the females…they uh…like to bite.

2. Mike: Why does the ostrich vomit in its drinking water?

Doug: I have no idea why they do that. I think to probably clean their palate?

3. Mike is cleaning out the ostriches water bowls.

Mike: I can’t quite identify the odor.

Doug: It’s unique.

Mike: It’s not crap…which I’m familiar with. It’s something else.

4.Doug: Gives a long explanation about how ostriches dig out their nests, lay their eggs, etc.

Ostrich: Interrupts Doug by stepping on one of its own eggs.

Doug: Ah, shoot.

5.Mike (on seeing the ostrich smash its own egg): They must have very tiny brains, no?

Doug: Ah, about the size of a walnut.

Mike: Their brains are smaller than their eyes.

Ostrich: Bites them.

Now it’s time to collect the eggs.

6.Doug: Now go over there and ask her nice to get up off of those eggs.

Mike: Hey, cupcake. I need your eggs.

Ostrich: Hisses.

Mike: She’s hissin’ at me.

Doug: That’s right. Talk nice.

Mike: Hey, sweetie. Me and Doug were thinkin’ we could maybe run off with your ovum.

Now, in some of the very best moments of television ever filmed, it is time to capture, hood, and herd a group of ostriches onto a horse trailer.

7. Mike listens to Doug’s explanation.

Mike: Well how hard can that be?

The rest of the entire known Universe: Mwaaahaaahaaa!

8. Doug (to Mike): Ok, so you do the grabbing and the hooding.

Mike: OK.

Doug: And I’ll do the pushing.

Steve (with completely unconcealed glee at what is about to transpire): And I’ll operate the door.

Doug: And Steve’ll operate the door.

Mike (ironically): Ok. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

9. Doug: There’s that guy over there. He’s a big guy.

Doug (who clearly cannot wait to see what happens next): Walk up and grab it.

10. The ostriches: are seriously pissed off.

The men: approach the group to try and capture one.

Their target: Protests by hurling its entire 250-pound body into the tiny metal fence, which buckles severely under the ostrich’s hostile bulk.

11. Mike (in a futile attempt to hood an ostrich): Now just be cool dude.

12. Doug (as he and Mike are herding a hooded ostrich into the horse trailer): Got a wing…and a tail?

Mike: A wing and a prayer is what I’ve got.

13. Mike (A LOT): Please don’t kill me.

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Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Guest Blogger: Tiny Cat Pants

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Today the well of entertaining stories is running a little dry, but fortunately I found a post on another blog that so perfectly describes something I routinely experience, I decided to share it here.

First of all, the phrase “tiny cat pants” is, in itself, a totally awesome use of the English language, and I think we should all make a concerted effort to use it as much as possible in our daily conversation.

Second, I myself live with a tiny cat, and I can TOTALLY relate to the phenomenon that Aunt B. describes here in her post, The Tiny Cat Is Made Of Lead”:

“The tiny cat is a tiny cat…Sometimes, though, she can wake you up out of a dead sleep by just stepping on you. It’s as if she can concentrate the mass of a black hole right where her every paw is placed on your skin…It’s very strange, the tiny cat.”

Amen, sister!

Blog Carnival: Carnival Of Family Life

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I’m a little late this week, but I do want to highlight this week’s edition of the Carnival which is being held at Of Noble Character.

My contribution is an article I wrote called, “Free At Last”, and describes my various (mis)adventures in camping, an activity I undertook in a misguided attempt to impress my husband back when we were first married.

Here is one thing I learned: “Helpful Hint: If you have never been camping before, I would HIGHLY recommend that your first trip not be with a troop of scouts, because any points you feel you have gained by being “a really cool wife” will quickly fade when you realize that, compared to everyone else on the trip including elementary school students, trail dogs, etc., you feel like a giant, incompetent wuss.”

Coffee Is The New Black

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Back when I was in high school peer pressure was easy to spot, and there were always very clear-cut reasons available to me for saying “No”. Smoking? Um, no thanks, on account of all the cancer and all the death. Drinking? Hm, think I’ll pass, as I have no desire for my parents to kill me for engaging in such behavior. Sex? I couldn’t stand anyone else’s children; I certainly didn’t want any of my own.

But by the time I finally finished school, got married, and entered my thirties, I began to relax. Surely, I thought, the time of being scorned for being “different” had passed.

Oh silly, naive woman.

All that getting older meant was that I was now eligible to experience Peer Pressure For The 21st Century. What might that be, you ask? Only every time someone turns to me and says, “Hey, you wanna go and get some coffee?” Because no, I don’t. And apparently, the fact that I am thirty-four years old and do not drink coffee makes me just as much of a nerd now as I was back when I wore maroon knee socks to the first day of eighth grade. [Read more…] about Coffee Is The New Black

Friday: Open Trackback Alliance

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OTA

In my continuing quest to experiment with new things here in the blogosphere, today I am hosting a post dedicated to open trackbacks. According to this description which I stole borrowed from Stingray: a blog for salty Christians,“The entire concept of having an open trackback is to encourage bloggers to showcase their best recent articles and give others a chance to click on the link and read them. By clicking on these links, you’ll get to know other people’s blogsites and other people will get to know your blogsite. Similarly, when others click on your link, they visit your site and get to read your post.” He also has a really good explanation of the whole trackback process here which I will not even BEGIN to try and explain to you because me+explanations of technology=WTF?!

So if you have a great article the rest of the cyber world needs to know about, please share it here.

And since this is my own personal blog, and I am nothing if not all about shameless self-promotion, I will kick things off with an article of my own that I would like to share. I wrote it last year when it seemed like everyone in the entire known world except for me was choosing to start a family, and it is entitled, “The Telltale Tock”

Watch Out Seattle-I Have Arrived!

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Yesterday, after departing Atlanta and spending approximately 187 jongjillion hours on a plane, I arrived in Seattle. As I’m sure you are aware if you have in any way communicated with me since August 8th, my birthday is this Sunday. And this trip is my gift.

I am out here to visit one friend I’ve known since I was 10 years old, and one friend I’ve known since I was 4. (I will be 34 on Sunday if that makes the math any easier for you.)

It’s always a gift to have friends, especially ones who have known you for so long (and who still like you anyway.) My Seattle friend and I went to elementary school together, and we loved to entertain ourselves by highlighting what were, to us, the seemingly mystical connections between us. My initials were JLD; her initials were JLC (spooky, huh?) And we were born at the same hospital, 9 days apart (can’t you just hear the music from the “Twilight Zone”?) We liked to joke that we were “Twins Separated At Birth”, which was funny for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she is (and always was) tall, lithe, graceful, and elegant. And I…am not. Not even a little bit.

My other friend was special because she always knew things I didn’t. Her mom was a nurse, and so she was always the first person around me to be conversant in The Facts Of Life. Even now, 30 years later, I find myself remembering things she said and having little “Aha!” moments (“O-o-h, so that’s what she meant!”)

I really wish I could say that I had some awesomely funny stories from our past adventures to share here with you now. But unfortunately I do not, because I was back then (as I continue to be now) just a Big Giant Nerd, but without any of the redeeming qualities I now possess that allow me to make up for that fact. Now, I am “witty”; then, I was just a geek. So all of my stories from that time would pretty much go like this:

I was very short and my hair always bushed out.

I did not know how to dress or how to talk to people.

I thought I knew everything.

But I was really stupid and embarrassing.

The End

So to conclude this extremely long and entirely rambling post that does not actually say anything (See: Hours spent on a plane, 187 jongjillion), I promise to be on the lookout for stories that contain some actual humor. Or at least, some pretty pictures for you to look at.

Thursday Thirteen #10: 13 Things I Find Myself Saying With Alarming Frequency

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Thirteen Things I Find Myself Saying With Alarming Frequency

1. Ew, Pip’s making out with my chair again.

2. Tigger, you have PLENTY of food!

3. The couch/the carpet/my leg is NOT a scratching post!

4. Pip, get your head out of my shoe!

5. And you better not have left anything gross behind!

6. Tigger, stop humping Pip!

7. You don’t even have those parts anymore, dude!

8. Tiggers DO NOT go in washing machines.

9. Um, hello, you’re not supposed to be up here.

10. PPBBLLFFTT! (Cat ass in the face.)

11. Are the aliens poking you guys with sticks again?

12. Tigger, what did I say about bringing lizards inside the house?

13. Ow! Your tiny claws are very painful!

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Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Blog Carnival: Carnival Of Family Life

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Today’s edition of the Carnival Of Family Life is being held at Play Library.

My entry entitled, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, is a piece I wrote during a time when everyone around me was telling me WAY TOO MUCH about things I preferred not know about. Like, “Well since I’m here checking your basement for rats, let me vomit up every single piece of information I ever learned in rat catching school for your listening enjoyment.” Ugh!