Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

The Best Things I Heard This Weekend

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As I came out of my office into the living room on Sunday evening I was informed of the following by one of The Gamers:

“Jenny, I had to fight 30 levels of men in diapers wearing bowls of curry on their head to get here.”

Me (looking up at the television): Yeah, I heard you say that when I was out in the other room, and I was r-e-a-l-l-y hoping that I heard you wrong. But apparently, I did not.

-This “What?!” moment is brought to you by the game Shadow Hearts 2, the game that will make you constantly question your sanity and turn to the people around you to ask, “No, seriously. Am I on drugs?”

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One of our friends has just been hired as a police recruit. The following story comes courtesy of her first day on the job.

Police Corporal: Hey, do you have a pair of really nasty jeans in your car?

Our Friend: Um, no.

Police Corporal: Well, you need to get a pair of really nasty jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of shoes that you don’t mind getting really gross and keep them in your trunk.

Our Friend: OK, why?

Police Corporal: Because we might need to send you out into the woods to look for corpses.

I Just Don’t Get It

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Lately my husband has started playing a new video game, and while normally I enjoy watching him play, this game is really making my head hurt.

See, they trick you. Because they’ll be going along, telling a story that is more or less believable, and then they’ll just throw in some random, goofy-ass twist. Not so much as to completely derail the main storyline, but enough to trick you into thinking that, “I know I can MAKE this make sense if I just think hard enough.” But you can’t, because it’s things like this:

-Europe in WWI, OK, officer of the German army teaming up with an emissary from the Vatican, yeah, have to track down a special tool to exorcise all the demons they will be meeting on their quest, I can live with that, finally obtain the Special Exorcising Tool which turns out to be The Giant Ivory Tusk Of The Holy Mistletoe. “Yes, ha ha, I will slay all evil forces with the universal symbol of ‘gettin’ some’ at Christmas!” Wait-what?! [Read more…] about I Just Don’t Get It

Overheard

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Yesterday we once again played host to The Gamers,and dedicated as I am to bringing the world entertaining stories from my everyday life, I decided to listen to what they said during game play and take notes for my blog.

So today I present to you, “The Best Things I Heard This Weekend: The Gamers Edition”.

1. Gamer 1:I just got donkey punched by the abominable snowman.
Gamer 2: That’s not the abominable snowman. That’s the abominable WTF?!

2. Gamer 2: Say no to ice-wielding zombies.
Gamer 3: Say no to zombies, period.

3. Gamer 1: OK, take the bone-studded choker.
Gamer 3: Yes, pick up the boner.

4. Who else needs to be slayed?

5. (Earlier in the evening someone had expressed their belief that having sex steals your soul. Later during game play someone’s character killed a wild boar and we all watched as the boar’s soul left its body.)
Gamer 1: Hey, that pig had a soul.
Gamer 2: I guess it didn’t have sex today.
Gamer 3: Or else it was a virgin.

Things That Make You Say, “What?!: Video Games

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This weekend my husband bought the video game “Prince of Persia: Two Thrones”. I was in the living room when he played it for the first time, because I like to watch the opening sequence of all his new games to see if it has a story I’ll be interested in following.

As usual, the first thing he did was to scroll through the different screens where he could set his gaming preferences, and when the “Display” screen popped up I saw this:

Tutorials-yeah, that makes sense

Progressive Scan-sure, that’s some technical stuff

Blood

Screen Adjust-more technical stuff

Wait-what? BLOOD?! Since when is that a technical issue?

The Better Part Of Valor

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Knowing that when your husband is nearing the end of the game, “God of War”, and is snarling out phrases like, “What is the point of this?”, and “This is absolutely ridiculous!”, and, “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!!” to you, an avowed non-gamer, as he is trying to climb up the Rotating Pole Of Spiked Death, that he is not the only one facing a trap in that moment.

Highway To The Danger Zone

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Generally speaking, I tend to leave everything technological and electronic up to my husband. And generally speaking, that tends to be in the best interests of everyone involved.

Although I do sometimes find it a little upsetting when people won’t even give me a chance. For example, when The Gamers are here on the weekend they sometimes ask me to go online and look up hints for them so they won’t have to miss a split second of combat with the demon-zombie-vampire-chainsaw-wielding-donkey-riding-skeleton-people, or whoever it is they’re fighting this week. But apparently I’m not able to complete this task quickly enough for them.

“Here, give me that,” they’ll say impatiently, irritated that their quest for the golden dragon fangs must temporarily be put on hold.
[Read more…] about Highway To The Danger Zone

Sunday Funnies

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On Sunday my husband was playing a game on his hand held game system, which is not as fun for me because I can’t watch what is happening up on the big screen. But I did get to participate in a different way. While he applied himself to the game with the concentration and dedication of someone dismantling a nuclear bomb, I read him instructions to help him get past a particularly difficult part.

I found myself actually saying out loud things like:

“Next, you’ll come across a Geega pipe. Geegas are Kraid’s version of the Zebs/Gamets.”

Or, “Then, go through the hatch on the right. You’ll see a Zeela roaming around a platform and a tall, transparent tube of some sort with many brown Rippers in it (Zeelas are Kraid’s version of the Zoomer/Nova, except slower).” [Read more…] about Sunday Funnies

It Was Somebody’s Job To Think This Stuff Up

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Recently my husband has been excited to find some new friends with which he can play video games. While I am an excellent wife and companion in many ways, I do not share his enjoyment of gaming. So it has been good for him to connect with others who do.

Last weekend one of The Gamers arrived at our house and announced: “I just went to Blockbuster and found The Best Game Ever! You’re a samurai, and you wake up one day, and all of your body parts have been stolen. You have to go out and fight the bad guys who took them so you can like, get your arms back and stuff!” [Read more…] about It Was Somebody’s Job To Think This Stuff Up