Lately my husband has started playing a new video game, and while normally I enjoy watching him play, this game is really making my head hurt.
See, they trick you. Because they’ll be going along, telling a story that is more or less believable, and then they’ll just throw in some random, goofy-ass twist. Not so much as to completely derail the main storyline, but enough to trick you into thinking that, “I know I can MAKE this make sense if I just think hard enough.” But you can’t, because it’s things like this:
-Europe in WWI, OK, officer of the German army teaming up with an emissary from the Vatican, yeah, have to track down a special tool to exorcise all the demons they will be meeting on their quest, I can live with that, finally obtain the Special Exorcising Tool which turns out to be The Giant Ivory Tusk Of The Holy Mistletoe. “Yes, ha ha, I will slay all evil forces with the universal symbol of ‘gettin’ some’ at Christmas!” Wait-what?!
-Officer and emissary reach haunted church in the woods, got it, soldiers surround the church in order to attack the evil inside, yep, random scary howling noises, a bit overdone but OK, the first attack arrives and you discover that your enemies are (and I swear I’m not making this up) 3 wooden ducks on a string and a small wooden lion. Yes, that’s right. Children’s. Toys. No…that’s…just wrong.
-Officer teams up with new allies including Gepetto the puppet maker, huh, that’s a little odd, who carries around with him a tiny doll named Cornelia, that’s really weird, whose different outfits give her different magical powers, including the power to wound enemies through curtsying, what?!, and if you want to get her any new outfits you have to collect something called “Stud Cards” featuring glistening, nearly naked men just rippling with muscles and give them to the saucy French tailor…AARRGGHH!!
Did I just accidentally take drugs without noticing it? Because, seriously…WTF?!
It’s like the designers were all sitting around one day discussing the game and someone said, “You know, this is a pretty grim storyline we’ve got going here, what with all the war and the demons and the evil forces of the dark side. Does anyone have any ideas on how we could lighten this up just a bit?”
“Ooh, I know-outdoor superhero wrestling in downtown London!”
“Great! What else do you have?”
“Um, how about a homo-erotic undertone between the protagonist and an officer of the Imperial Japanese army who looks and sounds like a cross between Fabio and Mr. Incredible?”
“Fan-tas-tic! Keep up the good work!”
Yes, great work. And while you’re at it, could you please include instructions on how I can watch this game without having my head explode?