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So This Is The Conversation I Overheard Yesterday During My Acupuncture Appointment

February 17, 2011 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

I confess that I was not in the best of moods when I went to this appointment, because I am in the middle of a flare-up that is just completely kicking my ass. As in, I refuse to look at myself in any mirrors as I pass them by so as not to scare myself by accidentally glimpsing the dark, sunken-in craters that my eyes have become, and also because it is almost to the point where just LOOKING at my skin hurts as much as if it is actually touched. THAT kind of flare-up.

(And speaking of being touched, WHY?! did I ever think it would be a good idea to go and let someone stick needles into said delicate skin, ESPECIALLY in the middle of a flare-up? People are all concerned about monitoring my medicines, but where was the monitoring when I was all, “Hey-you know what would be cool? Paying someone to jab me with lots of needles every week. WHERE WAS THE MONITORING THEN, PEOPLE?!)

But I’d already canceled this appointment twice, so part of me just wanted to go and get it over with. But I was not happy about it.

So I was lying there on the table, even more not happy about things now that I was full of needles, when the assistant led another patient to a cubicle two doors down from mine.

And then, as soon as that guy’s ass hit the table, he began an e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y long, annoying, and drawn out conversation with someone about whether or not his school was going to have spring break (hello, HAVE YOU HEARD OF LOOKING THINGS UP ON THE INTERNET?!), and then yet another conversation about something that happened to someone somewhere on some playground, and he said, but then they said, and, oh, well what did they tell you, and, and, and, AND! literally, except when it was absolutely necessary to draw breath, this man DID NOT STOP TALKING until the doctor finally (Finally! THANK YOU GOD!) stepped into his cubicle.

I couldn’t hear what the doctor said, because, UNLIKE SOME OTHER PEOPLE I COULD NAME, he knew how to speak in his “inside” voice.

But whatever he asked Loud Cell Phone Man unleashed a flood, nay, a TORRENT of words that could not be stopped, until they crashed right through my curtain and into the wall of my treatment cube.

(Important Side Note: I don’t have an audio recording of this guy, but when you read this paragraph, just remember how it sounded when you would take your old 45 rpm records and then jack them up to play at a higher speed.) “Well, they’re saying that I have really high blood pressure. I don’t know why. They gave me this prescription for blood pressure medication. Because they say that my blood pressure’s really high. But I don’t understand why they’re saying that. So I haven’t taken it. Because I don’t understand why they say that my blood pressure’s high.”

More words I couldn’t hear from the doctor, and then some words I ignored from LCPM.

But then, after a little while, I heard this: “Well, I guess it could have something to do with all the energy drinks I drink.”

I snorted.

The doctor: “How many do you drink?”

LCPM: “Um…well…2 or 3 a day.”

OH, Loud Cell Phone Man. I know that tone. I’ve used it myself to try and find a way to make bad things not sound quite so bad. So unfortunately, I know that what you actually meant was, “At least 3. And probably 4.”

So I laid there a little while longer, wondering when someone would come and un-stick me, and then I heard this: “Well, it could have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink.”

I snorted again, louder this time. Although not loud enough to be heard over LCPM’s unwilling confessions.

The doctor: “How many cups do you drink?”

LCPM: “Um…well…2 or 3 a day..”

Me (translating in my head): OK, so, at least three. Most likely four.)

And then I got distracted again by the voice in my head that was yelling, “OMG, TAKETHESENEEDLESOUTNOWORIWILLDIEEEEEEEE!”

But then, just seconds before the assistant came to free me, as if to reward me for my fortitude in enduring that day’s treatment, not to mention my restraint in not giving Obnoxious Talky Man some more serious medical problems to deal with than high blood pressure, I heard this:

“Well, it could have to do with how much I smoke.”

And then, as I lay there chortling with glee, I repented of the fact that I ever doubted that my acupuncture sessions would bring me some much-needed relief.

Filed Under: People Say The Funniest Things, Rated S & M For Scorn And Mocking, Sometimes People Are Stupid

I Can’t Believe I Forgot To Put This On The Dumbass List

February 5, 2011 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

I’d forgotten all about this, because it happened over five years ago. But once I remembered I knew that I had to share it here with all of you. Because we really haven’t had a good “dumbass incident” in a while.

So one of the (many!) symptoms of this stoopid fibro is a very weird, unbalanced internal temperature regulator. So I have massive, horrible hot flashes like other people have to inhale.

So I was at a retreat once for artists/writers/creatives/artsy entreprenuers etc., and during one of the workshops I had a pretty intense hot flash.

I happened to mention it to the woman who was seated next to me, hoping for a little sympathy, and she looked at me, thought about it for a minute, and then said,

“Well, you’re probably burning up karmic debt from your past lives.”

Filed Under: Sometimes People Are Stupid

I’d Like What You’re Smoking, Please

December 13, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

Dear Anyone Who Wants To Hire Me As A Spanish Tutor,

If you call me at 8:00 PM on Saturday night to ask me to tutor your child, and then mention that their exam is on Wednesday, and that they’ve been having a really hard time all semester, and that they “had a bad teacher” last year, and so are basically asking me to catch your child up on a year and a half of Spanish in THREE DAYS, then don’t get pissy when I tell you that it’s impossible and that there’s nothing I can do.

BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO.

Oh and also-the fact that I specifically told you that I wouldn’t lie to you and take your money for something I couldn’t do?

Yeah-you’re welcome.

Filed Under: Sometimes People Are Stupid, Teaching: It's Not For Wimps Tagged With: funny stories, teaching, tutoring

Wherein I Must Once Again Unfortunately Revisit The Subject Of People And Their Dumbassery

May 22, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 9 Comments

Although first I would like to say thank you to anyone who has continued to visit me here, despite the fact that I haven’t posted anything for a week and a half.

The good news is that the blog is FINALLY UPDATED! And it is so pretty! And clean! And did I mention the prettiness?

The bad news is that after 6 days of editing 550 posts, and then presenting my husband with a list of “back end” tasks which ended up taking him 7 hours last Sunday, neither he nor I could even think about my blog without wanting to punch something.

But happily that time has passed, and I am now able to continue my discussion of People Who Have Obviously Never Experienced Pain So Debilitating That They Have Actively Wished For Death, And Who Therefore Act Like A Dumb Ass Around Those Of Us Who Have.

So last week I was listening to a radio show on the internet where the hosts were discussing strategies we could use to help us follow through on the work of our dreams, once we had figured out what our dreams actually were.

A man called in to the show to discuss how he had successfully written and self-published a book. He said he set a deadline for when he wanted the book to be available for purchase, and then he just worked backward from that point, planning out and then completing each task until the entire thing was finished.

He didn’t say anything I hadn’t heard before, but what irritated me was the tone in which he said it, which was somewhere along the lines of, “Uh, DUH! How can you NOT know this?!”

You know the kind of person I’m talking about.

[Read more…] about Wherein I Must Once Again Unfortunately Revisit The Subject Of People And Their Dumbassery

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick, Sometimes People Are Stupid Tagged With: living with chronic pain and chronic illness

Planted Firmly In The Second Stage Of Grief

November 21, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

So after hanging out in The Land Of Denial from approximately October of 2007 until last Monday, I have now landed squarely in the Land Of Being Really, Really Pissed Off About Being Sick. I’m trying very hard not to inflict this on anyone else, but sometimes it is EX-TRE-ME-LY difficult. Because if I thought I had problems with people back when I worked in retail, they were nothing-NOTHING!!-compared to what I’m dealing with now. Which can pretty much be described as People Finding Out That I’m Sick, And Then Acting Like A Dumb Ass.

For example:

1. The day I received my diagnosis of fibromyalgia I posted it as my Facebook status, to update everyone who was sending me good vibes that day. I was SO relieved to finally have this sucker identified, and so, SOOOO happy to finally have my first significant pain relief in over a year. So I was pretty much reveling in the little things like, oh, once again being able to walk and use all of my limbs, and just about everyone I talked to understood what a big deal this was, and rejoiced with me. Except for the person who sent me the following email:

“Gluten intolerance’s most common misdiagnosis is fibromyalgia. We have a friend who was diagnosed with it for 10 years – miserable, on lots of meds for pain, etc…she went off of gluten and she’s fine – off of all of her meds.”

Honestly, when I read this email, I became so enraged that I started to shake, and I lost my ability to speak for a few minutes. Not because of anything related to the idea of going gluten-free. Obviously that in itself is pretty innocuous. Instead, it was how invalidated and dishonored this person’s response made me feel.

After all the agonizing pain, and suffering, and not knowing, and being misdiagnosed, and trying things that didn’t help me at ALL, and being afraid that this was what the rest of my life was going to be, I finally found someone who could correctly identify what was happening to me, and who gave me hope that there are lots of things I can do to get relief and to continue to have a really good quality life, and most importantly, SOMEONE WHO STOPPED THE PAIN. It was a Divine Gift, and I was so, SO grateful for it.

And then to have this person completely disregard and dismiss all my experiences of the past year, without knowing anything about me, what I’ve been through, what my doctor and I have talked about, OR ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRACTICE OF MEDICINE IN GENERAL, OR THE DIAGNOSIS OF FIBRO IN PARTICULAR, and then invalidate the only thing that’s helped me feel better or get relief from pain in the past year and tell me that IT’S WRONG AND I SHOULD STOP IT, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE ACTUAL, CORRECT ANSWER FOR ME, made me want to rip out their tongue with my bare hands, and then feed it back to them through their eye socket. Obviously I didn’t do that. But I did think about it. A Lot.

And speaking of people who wanted to take things away from me, then there was this:

2. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had to go to the dentist earlier this week. I shared the details of my treatment plan with him, since he is one of my health care providers, and I assumed he needed to know what was going on with me.

I explained that I had been put on Lyrica, and that it was providing quick, amazing results in the area of pain relief, and that I loved it deeply with my whole heart, and wanted to marry it and have its babies (and I don’t even WANT children.)

And his response was, (after incorrectly identifying Lyrica as an anti-depressant-which it’s not; it’s an anti-convulsant-and lumping it in with other drugs that affect Serotonin levels-which it doesn’t; it has nothing to do with Serotonin) to ask me, “So, is there any hope that you’ll be able to wean yourself off of it in a little while?”

And I looked at this man and thought, “WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD WOULD I EVER WANT TO DO THAT?! I AM ALMOST COMPLETELY FREE OF PAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR. WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER AGAIN, STUPID PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME CARE FOR MY HEALTH?!”

Dumb ass.

And then, speaking of babies, I must also share this email I received shortly after the doctor pronounced his diagnosis:

3. “What kind of treatment plan have they suggested? Also, I’ve never asked but do you have any children? I have a friend who suffered from fibromyalgia and a chiropractor suggested that pregnancy could potentially “cure” it or minimize the painful effect.. It worked for her.”

I don’t even know what to say to this, because there are So! Many! things wrong with it that they all try and come out at the same time, and then my brain explodes into a million, billion pieces, and then I have to go lie down on the couch and watch my husband slaughter super mutants on Fallout 3 in order to recover.

Here endeth the first lesson on DumbAssery.
Let us go forth and irritate the crap out of others no more.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick, Sometimes People Are Stupid Tagged With: living with chronic pain and chronic illness

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