Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

And I Thought I Was Doing So Good

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All this week I have been working so hard to take care of my back-bending at the knees, not lifting anything heavy, going to physical therapy, etc. I was so proud of myself for taking such good care of my body, until I went yesterday and got a massage. As I was happily relaxing away, suddenly the massage therapist piped up to ask, “Why are you wearing a knot in your ass?”

At first I panicked and thought, “Oh no-did I wear strange underwear?!” But then I realized that no, she was just asking how on earth I had managed to acquire a knot in the muscles of my ass.

“It’s a special talent,” I replied.

“Well, then I wanna see you crack some walnuts,” she declared.

Did I mention that she works in my chiropractor’s office, the office where, ever since I limped in bent over at a 90-degree angle and had to crouch on the floor until the doctor could see me, the receptionist now affectionately refers to me as “Gimpy”?

It’s good to be loved.

Mixed Metaphors

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I found these yesterday at Stray Thoughts when I was making the Thursday Thirteen rounds and I just had to post them here because they are so funny.

1. “I don’t want anybody stepping on anybody else’s thunder.”
2. “You can’t pull the sheep over my eyes!”
3. “That guy’s a bullhead in a china shop.”
4. “We don’t want this project to snowball into a can of worms.”
5. “We were up the creek in a hand bag.”
6. “It’s best not to open that can of wax.”
7. “Let’s pair up into threes.”
8. “I just thought myself into a corner.”
9. “We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change.”
10. “Once you open a can of worms, they always come home to roost.”
11. “She grabbed the bull by the horns, and ran with it.”
12. “They were up a tree without a paddle.”
13. “He’s got too many oars in the fire.”
14. “We’ll tackle that bridge when we come to it.”
15. “I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
16. “You can beat a dead horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
17. “Those two get on like a horse on fire.”
18. “You’ve buttered your bread, now lie in it.”
19. “Grasping at the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
20. “Don’t burn your bridges till you come to them.”
21. “He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
22. “It’s as plain as the egg on your face.”

Thursday Thirteen #23: 13 Tourist Questions Asked At Visitors Centers And National Parks

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Thirteen Stupid Tourist Questions
1. Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.2. Which beach is closest to the water?

3. Have we made peace with the Indians?

4. Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.

5. What is the official language of Alaska?

6. What’s the best time of year to watch deer turn into elk?

7. Where are Rhett and Scarlet buried and are they buried together?

8. If you go to a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?

9. I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?

10. Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?

11. Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

12. Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

13. How much of the cave is underground?

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. Steven D. Price

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

I Don’t Know What To Say

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I guess none of us really know what to say about what happened this week at Virginia Tech. But we feel like we ought to say something, so we do the best we can.

I’ve always felt a connection to the state of Virginia. I was born in Alexandria, grew up in Woodbridge, and went to school in Dale City for the first 13 years of my life. But then, 2 months before I turned 13 and right before I was to start the 8th grade, my family moved to North Carolina. This was, absolutely, The End Of The World As I Knew It.

I did not do a very good job of dealing with this change. To give myself credit I was only 13, and I had just left the only life I’d ever known. And, as it turned out, I had depression that went undiagnosed until I was 21.

Unfortunately the only way I knew how to deal with my misery was to take it out on everyone around me. I never hurt anyone physically, but I’m pretty sure I wounded a lot of people with my words and my attitude. I was angry. Hostile. Nasty. Judgmental. Intolerant. Self-righteous. I’d left a church school to come to a private, non-religious school, and left a more Northern culture only to find myself smack dab in the middle of all things Southern. So you’d better believe I took every opportunity I could find to look down upon all those “stupid Southern sinners” I suddenly found myself surrounded by.

Needles to say, I was not a very nice person to be around. And the people around me responded by not being very nice back.

I think things would have been A Lot worse if it hadn’t been for the people who were able to look past the fact that the only way I knew how to take care of myself and get my needs met was by being a jerk, and who chose to reach out and offer to help me.

And in light of what happened this week at VA Tech, I decided it was time for me to say thank you to all these people who made such a difference in that totally freaked out teenager’s life.

-my friends Liz, Julie, Kacey, and Kelly, and their parents, for giving me someone to talk to and somewhere safe and friendly to go

-Robyn, who was also a new student in the 8th grade, who took the time to notice that I was not handling things well and to tell me that she thought I needed to get some help

-my teachers, Miss Minnick, Mrs. Skidmore, Mrs. Ayala, and Mrs. Perkins, who never minded when I’d drop by their classrooms and fill up their planning period with conversation

-my piano teacher, Mrs. McCain, who helped me find a creative outlet

-my youth pastors, Jimmy and Patty Wade, Tim Tinsley, and Angela Thomas

-my husband, who I met and started dating when I was 17. My husband, who truly is the best person I’ve ever known, who saw past all the crazy to the real me underneath when I couldn’t see it, and who told me that it was good. That I was good.

Thank you all for seeing. Thank you for noticing me. Thank you for reaching out and offering to help. Thank you for loving me when I was a big, giant mess. Thank you.

And to all the people to whom I was so mean, most especially my classmates from 8th -12th grade, it is time I told you that I am sorry. I’m really sorry for the way I acted. I wish I’d known how to do things better back then, but I didn’t. The only thing I can say is that I learned from my mistakes, and I know how to do things better now.

I’d like to end this post with the following blessing for anyone who may be reading this.

May you be well.

May you be happy.

May you be free from suffering.

Namaste.

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Today I went back to the chiropractor to see if she could ungnarl my back any further. She decided to put me on this special machine with a fancy name. But truly it should be called The Rack, because that is what it is. They strap you into a harness and then pull the ends of your body in opposite directions, which results in tremendous pain and The Renewed Inability Of Your Legs To Support Your Own Body Weight.

I managed to stumble into a chair in the hallway, and I was firmly prepared to sit there for the rest of my life if it meant I never had to feel that much pain again. Unfortunately this meant that I overheard the entire conversation taking place between the therapist and the next patient on The Rack.

Patient: (Being Dramatic, with lots of moaning and groaning) “I think they should just take us all outside like they do with old horses and shoot us.”

Therapist: “Oh that reminds me of this piano recital I had when I was ten.”

Me: not really seeing the connection.

Therapist: “My piano teacher lived on a ranch out in the country, so after everyone finished performing they took us all outside, brought up a steer, and shot it right in the forehead while we all watched.”

Me: “EEWW!””

Therapist: (Not really seeming all that concerned.) Then they hoisted it up on a truck (I sort of tuned out right here because this part of the story involved very yucky things such as slicing open and things falling out.) Then we all walked by and touched it. And then we went back inside and had punch and cookies.”

Me: What?!The?!F*&@?!

Patient: “Or maybe they should just wring our necks.”

(Me: Dude! With the death wish!)

Therapist: “You know, that’s a lot harder to do than it looks. I had to wring a chicken’s neck one time so that I could feed it to my snake.”

Me: Why, God, why? Why did THIS have to be the moment when I lost the use of my legs?!

Therapist: “We used to feed it rabbits…”

Me: Dear God in heaven! Save me now!

Therapist: “…but you know, rabbits can fight back. They have really sharp claws, so the snake could get hurt.”

Me: Oh, heaven forbid the snake gets injured!

Therapist: “But the rabbits still have to be warm when you feed them to the snake.”

Me: What happened? Where the hell am I?

Therapist: “So we had to put the rabbits in a burlap bag [and do very bad things to them resulting in their death] before we gave them to the snake.”

Me: Holy Mother of God, that may be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I still can’t walk away! This day SUCKS!

Therapist: “So one day we decided to give it a chicken instead. We almost had to take the snake to the vet, because it took him 4 hours to get past the wings, and we were worried that he wouldn’t make it.”

Me: Seriously. Am I on drugs? Because if I’m not, I think I need to get some.

Help. I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up

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Remember that wonderful commercial from the 80’s?

Remember how we would mock the poor, helpless woman on the floor?

Remember how we become that which we mock? No? Yeah, me neither, until yesterday when I became that woman.

Ten minutes before I was supposed to get on the phone for an important interview regarding the next creative project I’m planning to take on I stood up, my entire lower back seized up, and I was on the kitchen floor. And I couldn’t get up.

I had to crawl on my hands and knees over to the phone to call my husband at work and tell him that, yeah, basically, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

I had to lie on the kitchen floor to put on my pants. My husband had to put my shoes on for me.

But those of you who know me will not be at all surprised to know that I delayed my husband’s homecoming and my doctor’s appointment in order to give myself enough time to complete my phone interview, because DAMMIT, I AM GONNA ACE THIS THING!

The interview did go really well, and I passed with flying colors. Apparently the extra added challenge of having to find a way to support my own body weight that involved neither sitting nor standing for 30 minutes just gave me the extra oomph! I needed to sail right through.

But it is times like these that makes me wonder how I was ever allowed to be the one in charge of, say, a plant, much less my very own, alleged, grown-up self.

Apparently I Rub Off On Those Around Me

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Today I had to go and see my chiropractor, AKA “She Who Healed Me Of Neck Pain”, because my back has been killing me lately.

I explained what was hurting me, got up on the table, and then heard her say something along the lines of “Holy COW!”

“What?”

“Your pants are really crooked. See, here (pushing in on one butt cheek) is the top of one pocket, and here (demonstrating on the other cheek) is the top of the other pocket.”

“Uh, sorry about that. Can you still help me with my back?”

“Yeah, but can you wear some level pants next time? This is really throwing me off.”

Magical Thinking-2, Reality-0

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(For those of you who’ve been following my saga with the imaginary snakes.)

Last week I tried to explain to one of our friends, who also has his pilot’s license, why I just was not OK with him taking my husband up for a ride in his plane:

“It has nothing to do with you (and it really doesn’t). It’s just that deep down in my heart, I truly don’t believe that planes should be able to fly. It really feels like that violates all the laws of nature. I think that the only reason it’s worked so far is that we’re all under some kind of magical spell. And it’s only a matter of time before the spell ends, and all the planes in the world come crashing down.”