Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Yet Another Reason I Majored In Languages

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Yesterday I was messing around in my office when my husband came in, highly indignant, to complain about a show he was watching on The Science Channel.

“I’m watching a show,” he said, “but I’m having a really hard time taking it seriously.”

“Howcome?” I asked.

“Well, the sentences they are stating are factual, but they’re using them in completely the wrong context.”

“What do you mean?”

(Adjusting his voice to sound like a serious news anchor reporting on a Very Scary Situation) “They’re saying things like, ‘New Discoveries On Distant Star Show That Life On Earth Is Endangered’.”

“And it’s not?”

“Well, yeah, but the catastrophes they’re predicting aren’t gonna happen for another 5 billion years.”

“So I don’t need to worry?” (That’s always the bottom line for me with these kinds of things.)

“No. But apparently some scientists are already working on escape plans.”

“What?!”

“Yeah. So don’t watch this show, because to hear them talk, they’re thinking that, like, next Tuesday it could all be over.”

My Twittery Week In Review

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Fur Babies

March 17

8:04am Dear Tigger: Despite what you apparently believe, my office isn’t a playground for the expression of your wanton appetites of destruction.

3:48om Dear Pip: Despite popular belief, the guest bathroom counter does not exist solely for your barfing pleasure.

5:41 pm Dear Bailey: Despite what you may believe, splaying yourself across my desk while I am working will NOT result in an extra can of cat food.

March 19

7:34am Dear Bailey: Why do you think I want you to sleep on my pillow, next to my face, right after you’ve barfed all over the living room? I don’t.

March 21

5:20pm Pip, It’s creepy enough that you lick the top of my chair and rub your face in it in ecstasy. Could you at least wait until I’m OUT of the chair?

8:22pm We just bought a new kind of cat food, and now I cannot stop giggling over the phrase, “meaty bits.” Because I am twelve.

Wild Kingdom

March 17

8:09am I’m pretty sure DH’s wedding vows included “dealing with all bugs”; how did I get stuck with clearing the ant infestation from the tub?

March 18

8:26am Ants are attempting hostile takeover of tub. Baths are cornerstone of my fibro management program. This is going to end badly for someone.

March 19

11:42am Conflict Escalation Update: The Bug Guy has returned to unleash a massive blitzkrieg against the ants in my tub. Don’t mess with my tub!

March 20

9:14am Am worried by my joy as ants perish in the bathroom. Apparently my inner Genghis Khan is coming to the fore.

In Other News

March 15

12:31pm Have finally located some Thin Mints! This day just keeps getting better!

March 17

9:11am It’s official: I’m a knitting school dropout. My inner “Good Student” is not taking it well at all.

11:18am Mint /chocolate levels are restored to acceptable levels. But, I’ve learned there’s a GS cookie WAREHOUSE nearby. How strong can 1 woman be?

March 18

10:55am Running out of things to do to avoid having to schedule my first mammogram.

March 20

9:51am Note to self: Reading self-improvement articles when you’ve hit a 10 on the fibromyalgia pain scale is a REALLY bad idea.

4:12pm Just picked up replacement mirror for the one I broke by whacking it into the side of the garage. ‘Cuz I drive reel gud.

March 21

12:30 pm DH learned newly turned patch of earth is not final resting place of possibly murdered next door neighbor but prep for a tomato patch. Whew!

Good Words

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CHOICES by Nikki Giovanni
If i can’t do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don’t want
to do

it’s not the same thing
but it’s the best i can
do

if i can’t have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i’ve got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

since i can’t go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn’t lateral

when i can’t express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
i know
but that’s why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

Japan: WTF?

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Last summer one of our good friends moved to Japan, fulfilling one of her long-held dreams. So now my husband and I are more likely to notice any kind of news that comes out of that country.

Last weekend my husband copied me on an email he sent to our friend, with the subject line: “Please tell me this is not real.”

You’ll see why if you click here.

The Best Thing I Heard This Weekend

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

This past weekend my husband and I went out to lunch with some friends of ours who we hadn’t seen in a few months. One thing led to another, and eventually we got around to comparing pet stories. My husband was once again gloating about how, when we are asleep, the cats only harass me-never him-when one of our friends began to share her experience of feline harassment.

“I was sleeping over on a couch at a friend’s house one night, when all of a sudden her cat jumped up on my stomach and knocked the breath out of me. This cat must weigh at least 28 pounds-it’s belly drags on the floor. And also, it only has three legs-the fourth one is just a nub. So it jumps on you, and then falls over to one side because it’s missing a leg.”

We thought that was really funny. But not as funny as the fact that, “She also has a three-legged dog. They call it ‘Tripod’.”

Further investigation revealed that our friend had had even more intriguing animal adventures in her small, rural, Southern town. She told us that there is a main road that is paved, but that the rest of the roads are basically gravel and dirt.

“So one day I was driving down this road, and I turned the corner, and then I had to slam on my brakes because there was a bull in the middle of the road.”

“What?!” We were suitably stunned. And, truth be told, a tiny bit jealous. The most exotic animal we’ve ever seen around here was a fox.

“Yeah, and where I’m from it’s considered common courtesy when animals get loose to herd them back to their pens.”

“You had to herd a bull?!” Now we were concerned, as if the story were happening now, and it was up to us to save her from such a dangerous fate.

“Oh no, I didn’t get out of my car. But I have herded cows and sheep before.”

“Like, ‘hi, how’re you doing, and, oh, by the way, here’s your livestock’?”

“Pretty much.”

“Your town is AWESOME!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah,” she said. “I even had a tame deer once.”

“Oh, really-cool?!” Now we really were jealous.

“Yeah. It laid down on the grass next to me, and was letting me pet it and feed it. And then, all of a sudden, my mom shot it in the butt.”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah, it was just like a painting. The weather was gorgeous, the sun was shining down on the two of us, and we were enjoying our special bond. Then all of a sudden I heard my mom behind me, cocking a rifle, and then she just shot the deer right in the ass.”

“Why would she do something like that?!”

“I know! I was so upset, because of course the deer jumped up and ran away after that. So I burst into tears and as I was running by my mom to go and hide in the bathroom, I asked her why she did that.”

“And what did she say?”

“Because,” she said, in the voice of someone explaining the totally obvious, “it ate all my cucumbers!”

(Note to self: Never come between a middle-aged Southern woman and her produce.)

The Week In Review, Brought To You By Twitter

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Knitting

March 10

4:26 pm My inner nerd is experiencing a severe identity crisis due to my need for remedial work in my sweater knitting class.

4:59 pm Bad: fibro flare-up today. Good: Am thinking that pain-medicine-intoxication will TOTALLY “spice up” my remedial knitting work.

March 12

11:39 am Sadly, not even pain meds PLUS Mark Harmon PLUS Mint Milanos can ease the pain of 20″ of off-white garter stitch.

11:40 am Is there such a thing as “sweater rage”? Because I seriously think I have it.

March 13

10:19 am Am wondering how many more physical ailments I’ll have to develop before I finally admit that the sweater knitting has defeated me.

12:11 pm My Embarrassingly Obvious Yet Hard-Won Insight of The Week: Hobbies should not drive you to any form of substance abuse.

Life’s Little Pleasures

March 8

5:32 pm Going out to locate some Girl Scout cookies. I think Thin Mints would help cure an earache, don’t you?

March 10

4:24 pm Still can’t find any freaking Girl Scouts! Am soothing my grief at the absence of Thin Mints with some Mint Milanos.

March 14

10: 57 am To the Girl Scout Troop in front of Kroger: Don’t try to foist off your inferior cookie selections on me-it’s Thin Mints or nothing at all!

Comment received on blog post from earlier in the week: “Interesting that while your area appears to have a deficit of Thin Mints, my daughter’s troop has a surplus. I’d offer to send a few boxes to you, but I suspect that would be like offering some Jack Daniels to an alcoholic.”

Miscellaneous

March 11

9:31 am Am starting my own drinking game based on number of times per day I have to yell, “Hey-that’s not a scratching post!”

March 13

8:54 am The bug guy is coming to spray our house this morning. This is the start of our 6th year together. Does that mean I need to get him a gift?

4:47 pm Can’t stop thinking that freshly turned patch of earth is where next door neighbor killed and buried his elderly mother. Damn NCIS!

March 14

4:03 pm Just attempted Dance of Shiva vertical arms, and have now impaled myself on my own elbows.

The Perfect Finish To The Weekend

March 15

1:10 pm Just returned from lunch where I heard a story that started with, “One time my mother shot a deer in the ass.” More on that later.

Dear All The Birds Currently Flying Around In My Backyard

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Image courtesy of Free Foto.

Hello, and welcome.

I realize that we are all pretty excited about the return of spring, the chance to frolic in the birdbath, and the opportunity to make new little baby birds.

But I would really appreciate it if you could reign in your enthusiasm enough to STOP ACCIDENTALLY COMMITTING SUICIDE BY YOUR KAMIKAZE-LIKE SMASHING INTO THE MIDDLE OF MY OFFICE WINDOW, AND THEN FALLING INTO A LIFELESS, PATHETIC HEAP ONTO THE SIDEWALK.

This is really starting to bum me out, and it’s not like I don’t already have a lot on my place or anything, what with the whole living with a chronic pain disorder thing.

I really don’t like having to have a dedicated “Dead Bird Removal Tool” living in our garage.

So if you could maybe tone things down just a bit, that would be great.

Thanks so much,

Jenny