Happy 13th anniversary to me and The Man! And here’s to many, many more!
Archives for June 2009
Twitter And June: Sometimes It’s All About The Cats. And Pain. (Which Are Frequently The Same Thing)
Am now on 3 painkillers for 3 different kinds of pain, but *absolutely sure* I can participate in a 1.5 hr teleclass. Hello again, delusion.2:57 PM Jun 16th
And lo, on the seventh day, the migraine ended. And God didst speak down a most special blessing upon all the chiropractors in the land.8:06 PM Jun 17th
Today has consisted entirely of declaring things like, “Nope, sorry, no face-loving after you’ve just barfed all over my office floor.”3:48 PM Jun 22nd
It’s days like this that make me feel really bad that my parents spent so much on my college education.3:49 PM Jun 22nd
Cats are attempting to trap me w/in a perimeter of their own disgusting excretions. Believe attack is imminent. Send help!11:48 AM Jun 23rd
Pip, I promise-I haven’t hidden any treasures at the bottom of my garbage can. You can let the trash go. 2:08 PM June 24tt
Finding nothing to her taste in my trash can, Pip is now perusing the feline shopping mall, or, “the kitchen table” as we like to call it.2:09 PM Jun 24th
“Turbines for your meat jet” #mostdisturbingspamheadlinesever 2:09 PM June 27
I Bet They Had These Exact Same Kind Of Conversations Up On Walton’s Mountain
Back about eleven years ago, my husband and I took a trip to Spain. On our last day we took the overnight train from Granada to Madrid, where we were catching our flight home the following morning.
My husband and I were in our mid-twenties back then, just a couple of years out of grad school, so we were pretty much still in the “poor college student” mode when we took this trip, which meant that we booked ourselves into what I’m pretty sure was the eighty-seventh class compartment, which meant that we each had a bunk in a room that slept six people-and we were in the middle two bunks-which meant that we spent those eight hours in a space not unlike those prison cells they build where you can neither sit, stand, nor lie down.
But, I digress.
The two travellers sleeping above us were a guy and a girl from Ireland, and the two below us were from Columbia, and after I was able to calm down a little bit, because, OMG, CLAUSTROPHOBIA! AND STRANGERS! SLEEPING WITH ME! IN PRISON!, we all had a good time getting to know each other.
At what was apparently our officially designated bedtime, a railroad employee came by to turn out the lights in our cell compartment. And then, in one of those totally spontaneous, yet perfectly scripted moments, from the Europeans above us, and the Latin Americans below us came a chorus of, “Goodnight, John Boy.”
I bring this episode up now because I was reminded of it the other day by a conversation I overheard my husband having.
His cell phone rang, and when he answered it I heard a woman’s voice respond to his, “Hello?”
“Oh, hey,” he said, in the relaxed tone of someone speaking with a friend or a family member. “How are you doing?”
There was silence as he listened for a moment, and then I heard him retort, “Well, f*%# you!”
“Oh,” I said, as the light of realization dawned upon me. “It must be your sister.”
And it was. Just like it was up on Walton’s Mountain.
Oh, Look-I’ve Found Something Else To Rant About. What A Shock.
So I was thinking the other day-you know how sometimes people get tattoos in order to advertise the various violent acts they’ve performed? Well, I decided that I need some sort of tattoo that warns people about the potential violence they could encounter, depending on how they react to my illness.
I really could have used something this the other day when I was hanging out on Twitter, and received The Most Obnoxious Type Of Non-Porn Tweet In The Universe.
I had just tweeted this:
“After rigorous scientific testing, I’ve discovered that in addition to fibromyalgia, magical thinking is *also* unable to cure migraines.”
Because I was trying to be funny and make light of my situation. Because, you know, that’s what I do, that whole humor thing.
Which this obnoxious person would’ve known if they ever actually read my Twitter stream for what I had to say, instead of circling it like a pack of hungry vultures, waiting for the slightest mention of an illness, so that they could then swoop down and assault me with offers to buy their self-proclaimed “magical cures”, all the while inferring that, if I had just been smart enough to take advantage of their awesome cure-all in the first place, then I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this illness situation in the first place.
Specifically, this person responded by saying,
“@jennyryan72 How about a better posture and alignment, more oxygen in the blood, better breathing and having all your muscles relax.” And then she added a link to her website to try and get me to buy some stupid machine that she claims cures all pain. As if I would buy anything in the middle of a migraine except some exceptionally strong narcotics.
[Read more…] about Oh, Look-I’ve Found Something Else To Rant About. What A Shock.
I’m All For Saving Money, But I Draw The Line At This
A few months ago the big cat was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid, so we’ve been having to give her thyroid medicine twice a day. This afternoon as we were working on our monthly budget, my husband decided to do some research to see if we could get her pills cheaper online.
He found the information he was looking for, and then decided to see what else they had to offer.
“Hey, look!” he exclaimed after a moment, and I glanced up to see a picture of one of my prescriptions displayed on the screen.
“Dude,” I said, “I don’t care how cheap it is, I AM NOT BUYING MY FIBROMYAGLIA MEDICINE FROM PETMEDS.COM!”
Doing My Part To Contribute To Global Warming
So this morning my husband volunteered to go to the grocery store for us, and as I was going over the list to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything, I noticed that I had written down “spiral notebook”. I am starting a new project, and I always like to celebrate these beginnings with the purchase of a brand-new notebook.
“Oh,” I thought. “Since I’m not going to the store with him, I’ll need to find a notebook so that I can show him which size I want him to buy me.”
And then I realized that, if I already have one around here to use as an example, then maybe I don’t actually need a new one.
So then I did a little searching, and here is what I came up with, WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO LEAVE MY CHAIR.
The first step is admitting that you have a problem, right?
Spiking A Ten On The Pain Scale
Dear irritating little man in front of me at the drug store, holding up a line of 8 people waiting to check out because, BY GOD, you were not leaving that store without your inalienable AARP right to $0.03 off of a $2.00 can of mixed nuts:
When you turned to the rest of us and pretended to be sorry for holding us up, as you caught my gaze, the young woman in line behind you who was obviously in agonizing pain, and who was there to purchase a cane, did your entire life flash in front of your eyes? Because it did for me.
I hope you go back to that store and thank the lady at the photo counter for opening up a second check-out line. She is the sole reason that you continue to be alive today.
What Do Spoons Have To Do With Chronic Illness?
Me, Twitter, And The Week That Was
Sunday
There’s nothing like watching a bird try desperately 2 quench its thirst in my bone-dry birdbath 2 make me feel like reporting myself 2 PETA 6:14PM
Tuesday
Hey, you know who really needs some customer service representatives that I can call up and yell at?
Whoever thought it would be a good idea for me to suffer from both fibromyalgia AND a mood disorder in this lifetime.
Yeah, that’s right: I’m looking at you, Universe. You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.
Now here’s a phrase I’ve never had to utter before today: “Hey-no licking the computer!”
Received letter *purporting* 2B invitation 2 15-yr college reunion. Actual purpose: Letter Of Shame 4 we who haven’t ponied up “donation”.
After rigorous scientific testing, I’ve discovered that in addition to fibromyalgia, magical thinking is *also* unable to cure migraines.
SO SICK of people who “follow” me just to hawk their stupid “magical” cures for all of my medical maladies.
Since I can’t *actually* punch them via Twitter, as I block them, I hit the enter key REALLY hard.
7:22 am: barf count-2, burning fibro trigger points-6. Today is not looking good.
That rip in the space-time continuum you experienced earlier? That was McDonalds FORGETTING TO PUT THE FRENCH FRIES IN MY BAG. **sob** 1:45PM
Saturday
Am currently only able to type at 50%, as the big cat has taken my left hand hostage. 10:28AM
Just successfully answered a technology question; it’s only a matter of time now, before the world ends in a fiery collision with the sun. 11:02AM
Your Jedi mind tricks do not work on me, Pip. 4:24PM
Unless you WANTED me to lie on the couch and watch TV instead of feeding you. Cuz then they TOTALLY did. 4:25PM
And This Is Why God Made Husbands
It’s hard enough, dealing with this chronic illness on days when I am spiking a 9 or a 10 on the pain scale. But often I find myself grieving for the little things this illness has taken away from me.
My hands used to be my favorite physical feature, petite and elegant. Now they are constantly swollen so badly that I can’t remember the last time I was able to wear my engagement ring.
I used to have a great walk, confident, graceful, and easy. Now it’s more of a shuffling, lumbering limp.
And along with my hands, my feet are also really swollen, so much so that they no longer fit in my Birkenstocks, which meant that now I officially had zero pairs of shoes I could wear that would not hurt my feet.
I was crying about this in the bathtub last night, when my husband came in to see me. I told him about my shoes and he immediately said, “Well, baby, why don’t we adjust the buckles to make them a little looser?”
So he did.
And then I had my favorite shoes back again, and can now walk with a little less pain.
And then world became just a teeny, tiny bit brighter.
