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Seriously?

July 22, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

You know those weeks where every single medical problem you have attacks you all at once? Yeah, me too. That pretty much sums up what the last 10 days or so have been like for me.

I’ll spare you a litany of my ills, except, have I mentioned here before that, because the Universe is apparently exploring the concept of irony with my own personal life as its classroom, the medicine I take to manage my fibro pain causes severe swelling, which in turn causes severe pain? (Oh, and Universe? SO NOT AMUSING.)

So I went to see my fibro doctor and begged him to please, please, OH PLEASE do something to relieve the ping pong sized edema in my ankles. I was thinking of something along the lines of possibly draining something out, or injecting some kind of pain medicine in, but do you know what he said?

“Well, some support hose would probably help you with that.”

And then he Kept. On. Saying. It.

Until finally I said, “Look-every time you say that, I just get this image of a 98-year-old grandma, hunched over, hobbling along with a cane.” Which was my polite way of saying, “Hell no! That will not be happening in this lifetime!”

And then, in what I can only assume was his genuine desire to help me find some relief, he said, “Well you know, they can measure you now so that you can get an exact, customized fit.”

And I thought, “Um, what?!”

Was that supposed to be some kind of selling point for me?

Because I’m sorry to report that, if it was, it failed. Miserably.

Filed Under: CFG Says, What?!, Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, These Are The Days Of My Life

Oh, Look-I’ve Found Something Else To Rant About. What A Shock.

June 24, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 3 Comments

So I was thinking the other day-you know how sometimes people get tattoos in order to advertise the various violent acts they’ve performed? Well, I decided that I need some sort of tattoo that warns people about the potential violence they could encounter, depending on how they react to my illness.

I really could have used something this the other day when I was hanging out on Twitter, and  received The Most Obnoxious Type Of Non-Porn Tweet In The Universe.

I had just tweeted this:

“After rigorous scientific testing, I’ve discovered that in addition to fibromyalgia, magical thinking is *also* unable to cure migraines.”

Because I was trying to be funny and make light of my situation. Because, you know, that’s what I do, that whole humor thing.

Which this obnoxious person would’ve known if they ever actually read my Twitter stream for what I had to say, instead of circling it like a pack of hungry vultures, waiting for the slightest mention of an illness, so that they could then swoop down and assault me with offers to buy their self-proclaimed “magical cures”, all the while inferring that, if I had just been smart enough to take advantage of their awesome cure-all in the first place, then I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this illness situation in the first place.

Specifically, this person responded by saying,

“@jennyryan72 How about a better posture and alignment, more oxygen in the blood, better breathing and having all your muscles relax.” And then she added a link to her website to try and get me to buy some stupid machine that she claims cures all pain. As if I would buy anything in the middle of a migraine except some exceptionally strong narcotics.

[Read more…] about Oh, Look-I’ve Found Something Else To Rant About. What A Shock.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick

Spiking A Ten On The Pain Scale

June 18, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Dear irritating little man in front of me at the drug store, holding up a line of 8 people waiting to check out because, BY GOD, you were not leaving that store without your inalienable AARP right to $0.03 off of a $2.00 can of mixed nuts:

When you turned to the rest of us and pretended to be sorry for holding us up, as you caught my gaze, the young woman in line behind you who was obviously in agonizing pain, and who was there to purchase a cane, did your entire life flash in front of your eyes? Because it did for me.

I hope you go back to that store and thank the lady at the photo counter for opening up a second check-out line. She is the sole reason that you continue to be alive today.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I REALLY Hate Other People

When Crankiness And Pop Music Meet

June 4, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 4 Comments

So this week has pretty much turned out to be the week when it has become necessary to change around almost every single one of my (numerous) medications. Some were no longer working, some were working well in one way but were also causing some unpleasant side effects, and some needed to be added as various diagnoses were fine-tuned.

I feel like I’m in a circus and I’ve been asked to learn how to juggle three different colors of balls. And, after MUCH trial and error, and effort and energy, I have. But just at the moment when I was able to perform that routine smoothly and professionally, the ringmaster came in and told me that I had to change out all my yellow balls for orange (without stopping the juggling, mind you), oh, and by the way, you also need to ride this unicycle while you’re juggling, and, oh, we also think it would be great if you could hold onto this pole with your teeth and balance all of these spinning plates at the same time.

So I’m pretty much just waiting for the whole shebang to come crashing down at any moment, and am only hoping to escape the crash without experiencing actual decapitation or loss of limbs.

Naturally it was necessary for me to visit all of my doctors again, and as I believe I’ve mentioned here before, none of them are close to me, or close to each other. So I’ve been spending A Lot of time in the car this week, and to help the time pass more quickly I’ve been listening to kicky, upbeat pop music as I drive.

That worked great for a while. But then I reached a level of frustration, uncertainty, and despair yesterday that caused me, upon opening my mailbox and discovering its contents to yell, “You SUCK! I reject you! You do not even deserve to be brought into the house to be thrown away. I’m just gonna leave you RIGHT HERE!”

Yes, that’s right-I punished my mail by giving it a Time Out.

That was the sign that I’d finally reached my own personal Tipping Point, and now the songs that had, only hours earlier, been giving me such joy to listen to, just caused there to be more yelling. Especially this one song, whose catchy lyrics stated, “I don’t care if the bills are paid/as long as she is with me, I don’t care if my soul is saved, as long as she forgives me.”

And I found myself arguing, “Uh, you will TOO care! Because she’s about to break up with your ass! Because if you don’t pay your bills, then you won’t have any electricity, and she’s not gonna stick around very long if the only kind of date you can offer her becomes, ‘Sitting Around In The Dark In My Empty Apartment, Because All My Furniture Has Been Repossessed and The Electricity’s Been Shut Off. Oh, And You Can’t Use The Bathroom, Either, Because There’s No Water.’ Not to mention the fact that you are no  longer able to shower, and so you constantly smell like ass. Wake up and make some damn money, for crying out loud!”

Obviously my mail is not the only thing that needs a Time Out.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick

Wherein I Must Once Again Unfortunately Revisit The Subject Of People And Their Dumbassery

May 22, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 9 Comments

Although first I would like to say thank you to anyone who has continued to visit me here, despite the fact that I haven’t posted anything for a week and a half.

The good news is that the blog is FINALLY UPDATED! And it is so pretty! And clean! And did I mention the prettiness?

The bad news is that after 6 days of editing 550 posts, and then presenting my husband with a list of “back end” tasks which ended up taking him 7 hours last Sunday, neither he nor I could even think about my blog without wanting to punch something.

But happily that time has passed, and I am now able to continue my discussion of People Who Have Obviously Never Experienced Pain So Debilitating That They Have Actively Wished For Death, And Who Therefore Act Like A Dumb Ass Around Those Of Us Who Have.

So last week I was listening to a radio show on the internet where the hosts were discussing strategies we could use to help us follow through on the work of our dreams, once we had figured out what our dreams actually were.

A man called in to the show to discuss how he had successfully written and self-published a book. He said he set a deadline for when he wanted the book to be available for purchase, and then he just worked backward from that point, planning out and then completing each task until the entire thing was finished.

He didn’t say anything I hadn’t heard before, but what irritated me was the tone in which he said it, which was somewhere along the lines of, “Uh, DUH! How can you NOT know this?!”

You know the kind of person I’m talking about.

[Read more…] about Wherein I Must Once Again Unfortunately Revisit The Subject Of People And Their Dumbassery

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick, Sometimes People Are Stupid Tagged With: living with chronic pain and chronic illness

This Week: A Look Back

January 18, 2009 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Image courtesy of Free Foto.

I think my past week can be summed up pretty well in the following two vignettes.

1. I have had my CPAP machine for almost a year now, and I am STILL excited every day about the fact that I can now actually sleep through the night without multiple episodes of near-suffocation.

Sadly, my poor little machine started having trouble over Christmas, and ever since it has been making noises not unlike those of a water buffalo attempting to squeeze itself into an extra-small bikini.

In what I can only describe as the cruelest of ironies, I was once again kicked out of our bedroom by my husband, this time due to the horrendous noises made by the machine I specifically got in order to stop being kicked out of the bedroom because of my snoring.

2. Ever since last Sunday night I have had a mysterious, and fairly excruciating, pain in my right side. I kept hoping that it would eventually go away, but of course it didn’t, and by the time I finally decided to get some help it was Thursday night. And my doctor doesn’t work on Fridays.

So I went to the urgent care center by my house, if only to be reassured that I was not seconds away from dying due to Spontaneous Explosion Of Your Internal Organs Syndrome.

After a thorough questioning regarding my symptoms the doctor moved on to the physical examination, tapping and poking away to see exactly where I hurt. Then she checked to see whether or not I was bloated.

“Oh my god, you’re like a drum!” she exclaimed. “I could play music on you!”

And then, for just a little bit-she did.

(So happily (not to mention embarrassingly), the pain turned out to be nothing that approximately 75,000 Gas-X dissolvable strips and a couple of bottles of Mylanta couldn’t help.)

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, These Are The Days Of My Life Tagged With: health

Is It Wrong

December 5, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

that yesterday while I was getting a massage, my massage therapist told me that,

“Your legs are pretty sensitive, but your back could take a pickax,”

and I felt oddly proud?

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, Reasons Why I Am A Dork Tagged With: getting a massage

Planted Firmly In The Second Stage Of Grief

November 21, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 7 Comments

So after hanging out in The Land Of Denial from approximately October of 2007 until last Monday, I have now landed squarely in the Land Of Being Really, Really Pissed Off About Being Sick. I’m trying very hard not to inflict this on anyone else, but sometimes it is EX-TRE-ME-LY difficult. Because if I thought I had problems with people back when I worked in retail, they were nothing-NOTHING!!-compared to what I’m dealing with now. Which can pretty much be described as People Finding Out That I’m Sick, And Then Acting Like A Dumb Ass.

For example:

1. The day I received my diagnosis of fibromyalgia I posted it as my Facebook status, to update everyone who was sending me good vibes that day. I was SO relieved to finally have this sucker identified, and so, SOOOO happy to finally have my first significant pain relief in over a year. So I was pretty much reveling in the little things like, oh, once again being able to walk and use all of my limbs, and just about everyone I talked to understood what a big deal this was, and rejoiced with me. Except for the person who sent me the following email:

“Gluten intolerance’s most common misdiagnosis is fibromyalgia. We have a friend who was diagnosed with it for 10 years – miserable, on lots of meds for pain, etc…she went off of gluten and she’s fine – off of all of her meds.”

Honestly, when I read this email, I became so enraged that I started to shake, and I lost my ability to speak for a few minutes. Not because of anything related to the idea of going gluten-free. Obviously that in itself is pretty innocuous. Instead, it was how invalidated and dishonored this person’s response made me feel.

After all the agonizing pain, and suffering, and not knowing, and being misdiagnosed, and trying things that didn’t help me at ALL, and being afraid that this was what the rest of my life was going to be, I finally found someone who could correctly identify what was happening to me, and who gave me hope that there are lots of things I can do to get relief and to continue to have a really good quality life, and most importantly, SOMEONE WHO STOPPED THE PAIN. It was a Divine Gift, and I was so, SO grateful for it.

And then to have this person completely disregard and dismiss all my experiences of the past year, without knowing anything about me, what I’ve been through, what my doctor and I have talked about, OR ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRACTICE OF MEDICINE IN GENERAL, OR THE DIAGNOSIS OF FIBRO IN PARTICULAR, and then invalidate the only thing that’s helped me feel better or get relief from pain in the past year and tell me that IT’S WRONG AND I SHOULD STOP IT, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE ACTUAL, CORRECT ANSWER FOR ME, made me want to rip out their tongue with my bare hands, and then feed it back to them through their eye socket. Obviously I didn’t do that. But I did think about it. A Lot.

And speaking of people who wanted to take things away from me, then there was this:

2. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had to go to the dentist earlier this week. I shared the details of my treatment plan with him, since he is one of my health care providers, and I assumed he needed to know what was going on with me.

I explained that I had been put on Lyrica, and that it was providing quick, amazing results in the area of pain relief, and that I loved it deeply with my whole heart, and wanted to marry it and have its babies (and I don’t even WANT children.)

And his response was, (after incorrectly identifying Lyrica as an anti-depressant-which it’s not; it’s an anti-convulsant-and lumping it in with other drugs that affect Serotonin levels-which it doesn’t; it has nothing to do with Serotonin) to ask me, “So, is there any hope that you’ll be able to wean yourself off of it in a little while?”

And I looked at this man and thought, “WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD WOULD I EVER WANT TO DO THAT?! I AM ALMOST COMPLETELY FREE OF PAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR. WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER AGAIN, STUPID PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME CARE FOR MY HEALTH?!”

Dumb ass.

And then, speaking of babies, I must also share this email I received shortly after the doctor pronounced his diagnosis:

3. “What kind of treatment plan have they suggested? Also, I’ve never asked but do you have any children? I have a friend who suffered from fibromyalgia and a chiropractor suggested that pregnancy could potentially “cure” it or minimize the painful effect.. It worked for her.”

I don’t even know what to say to this, because there are So! Many! things wrong with it that they all try and come out at the same time, and then my brain explodes into a million, billion pieces, and then I have to go lie down on the couch and watch my husband slaughter super mutants on Fallout 3 in order to recover.

Here endeth the first lesson on DumbAssery.
Let us go forth and irritate the crap out of others no more.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick, Sometimes People Are Stupid Tagged With: living with chronic pain and chronic illness

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have A Diagnosis

November 10, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 10 Comments

So the bad news is that it seems I’ve been misdiagnosed for, oh, conservatively speaking, at least the past year.

The good news is that I went to a specialist and am now getting treated for what I actually have.

The bad news is that I have fibromyalgia, which frankly, SUCKS GIANT DONKEY BALLS.

The good news is that if you’re going to get fibro, now is apparently the time to do so, since there are a lot more treatments, including some new medications that allow you to not spend each and every moment in excruciating pain, which ironically makes this the first time I’ve ever been part of a current, leading-edge trend. THANKS, UNIVERSE. HA, HA, THAT’S A GOOD ONE! (Grrr.)

It’s an awful lot to take in, so any prayers/good thoughts/healing energy/holding in the light/chanting/drumming/nakedness/burning stuff, or any application of your particular method of invoking the presence of The Divine on my behalf would be much appreciated.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, It's Hard To Be Funny When Dealing With Chronic Pain, Sometimes I Get Sick Tagged With: getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia

Like-Minded Souls

October 27, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

I went to a rheumatologist this morning to get some specialized help with all my health stuff, and not surprisingly, they had to draw some blood. This process never goes well for me, because if I am even in the same building as someone who is thinking about picking up a needle and using it on me, all blood flow immediately ceases, and my veins physically depart my body.

I made sure to explain this-in-detail-to the guy who was about to stick me, hoping that he would pick up on my extremely-loud-though-unspoken message of, “Please don’t hurt me!”

He listened sympathetically to my tales of woe, slipped the needle in so easily that I didn’t even feel it, and then replied,

“Yeah, well, some people suck.”

I LOVE him!

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, People Say The Funniest Things, Playing Well With Others, Sometimes I Get Sick Tagged With: living with chronic pain and chronic illness

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