as you are.’ says the universe.
‘after…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘before…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘when…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘how…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘why…’ you answer.
‘because
you are happening now.
right now.
right at this moment
and
your happening
is beautiful.
the thing that both keeps me
alive
and
brings me to my knees.
you don’t even know how
breathtaking you
are.
as you are.’ says the universe
through tears.

–as you are | you are the prayer

by Nayyirah Waheed

Sometimes I get really stuck in my head, and tell myself that I can’t post anything here until I’ve crafted a beautiful, literary masterpiece (whatever that even means), which, as you can imagine, sort of stifles the creative flow and the joy I find in writing.

So when this poem arrived in my inbox, I decided to use it as a sign to just take the plunge and share a few messy, unpolished glimpses of what’s been going on around here lately.

[Read more…] about Right Here, Right Now

This glorious, organic,  daily mess where the flash of insight I need for my current writing project is followed immediately by the god-awful horking sounds of a cat violently expelling something really gross right  into my left shoe.

A lot has been said over the past few days as we’ve all reeled in shock from the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Part of me thinks, how can I possibly imagine that words have any meaning at all in the face of something so incomprehensible. But the other part of me, as always whenever I try to process an experience, instinctively seeks out comforting words to both read and write. Here are a few of the words that have helped me over the past few days.

1. “26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity”

2. “Response to Connecticut: A Prayer, A Plea” by Rachelle Mee-Chapman of Magpie Girl.

There is something that happens when we mourn together. When we are angry together, When we hope together. It is powerful, this unity of emotion. Spiritually powerful. Psychologically Powerful. Energetically Powerful.

Don’t drift away from it. Don’t dumb it down with the shadow comforts of entertainment and busy-ness. When you feel the pain, the anger, the sorrow –notice it. Own it. Name it. “Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

And when your mind/body/spirit says “Enough”—when it numbs your emotions, when it rocks you to sleep—let it do that as well. Turn off the television. Turn down the radio. Close your browser, and rest. You will wake another day with holy tasks at hand–intuitively sourced instructions to weep, to write, to comfort, to protest, to wail, to change.

3. “Keep Telling The Story Of Love” by Amy Oscar.

What would I tell my children today? Just what I told them then: I love you.

I would love my children with everything I had.

I would love the world, too, right in front of them, heart wide open. I would live as an example of love – so that they would know how to live that way. I would do this in honor of the children who would never have the chance they had. I would live, I would love, for them, too. 

As I did, I would remember that life is mostly good and though there are these brief pockets of darkness and sometimes, terrible sadness, no matter what happens – from war to flood to fire to the outrageous inexplicable loss of 20 little lives – the world has always been, and always will be, a story which is mostly about love.

4. This quote by Andy Smallman, Director of Puget Sound Community School:

“I believe that inside of each of us is a
place. Nurture it first in yourself, then nurture
it with those close to you. That is the best
response to senseless acts of violence.”

 

Me (to the chiropractor this morning)

“I’m pretty sure nothing is where it’s supposed to be. You’re welcome.”

So I’m a little torn over how to start this post.

On the one hand I could talk about how my husband and I were watching this week’s episode of “Castle”, and how the case he and Beckett were working on brought him back to his lost love, “the one that got away”, and how even though they still had feelings for one another he happily watched her get married to another man, and it was so beautiful, blah, blah, blah.

OR I could open with the session I had with my coach this week-where this conversation actually started-the session where the only thing I had any energy left to discuss was a dream I’d had the previous evening. A dream in which the “dream me” was visited by The Boy That I Was Totally In Love With All Through High School.

I was kinda reminiscing, and talking about the last time I actually saw him (gasp…choking) 19 years ago, at a party for a fellow classmate who was in her summer of being a debutante.

My Coach: “…(silence)…What?!”

Me: “You know, debutantes. ‘Coming out’ to society, and cotillions, and all that stuff.”

My Coach: “I thought all that stuff was made up.”

Me: “Oo-h no. It’s real. I mean, I was never a debutante, but yeah, it’s a really big deal down here in the south.”

My Coach: “I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

Which is what she always tells me, laughingly, when I make her head explode. Which, as you might imagine, is a pretty common occurrence.

So then I just started rambling on with some stream-of-conscious memories, and as soon as I said, “Yeah, he was really smooth-he really knew how to work a room,” she said, “Um, yeah, he wasn’t into you at all, was just full of shit. He just knew all the magic things to say to keep the girls interested in him. Because guys are not complicated. If they like you, they ask you out.” Which actually made me feel a lot better. I didn’t have to worry anymore that maybe if I had just done something differently, or somehow been able to be different, then this situation would’ve turned out differently. And that was a huge relief.

My Coach: “Almost everyone has experienced a strong first love, and experienced it not working out and then having their heart broken.  So he was a dick, I’m being totally un-coachy and un-politically correct here, and, moving right along, what else is going on?”

Me: “Well, my 20-year high school reunion is this year, and I’m not sure whether or not I’m going.”

My Coach: “Well it can be fun to go and see people like that, because maybe they’re all bald and fat now.”

Me: “You know, I did see a picture of him a few years ago in our alumni magazine, and he actually is.”

My Coach: (bursts out laughing) “That’s so funny!”

Me: “While I, of course, have become more striking with every passing year.”

My Coach: “I KNOW!”

And truly? Can you put a price on that kind of friendship? I THINK NOT.

[Read more…] about Twue Wuv, Or, Dear Princess Bride: You Still Rock After All These Years