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Wherein Mother Nature And I Throw Down

July 28, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 5 Comments

You know how on the Internet they’ll have a once-a-year event where everyone who “lurks” on someone’s blog without ever commenting is invited to “de-lurk” and announce their presence to the blogger and to the world?

Well I’m pretty sure that 2007-2008 has been The Season Of Delurking in my body, where every physical issue that was tired of being ignored or avoided decided to show up and demand that I finally deal with it.

So, just ask me how much fun that‘s been (Answer: Not so much). But I have really felt lately that I was starting to see the light at the end of The Illness Tunnel. Until I had the following conversation with my friend, Lynne.

Me: “And I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been having these “episodes” where I just get really hot all of a sudden, and start to sweat.”

Lynne: “Hm, I didn’t know that you were in perimenopause.”

The earth comes to a screeching halt.

Me: “Say what now?”

Lynne: “What you’re describing? Those are hot flashes. You’re having hot flashes.”

Me: “Nuh-UH! Shut UP! And also, la-la-la-la-la, I can’t HEAR you!”

But once the seed was planted, I could no longer remain blissfully ignorant of what was happening to me. Especially later that evening when my husband and I were both seated in our living room watching television. I noticed that, not only was he covered in a blanket, but he had covered every single bit of exposed skin up to his eyes, which unfortunately he needed in order to view the TV. Meanwhile I was seated next to him, engaged in the same amount of physical activity (none whatsoever), dripping with sweat, and my clothes were damp.

Hm, I thought. As much as I do not want to admit it, Lynne might be onto something here with that whole “hot flash” thing.

So I decided to do a little research.

Me (trying to be casual): “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

My husband: “Okay.”

Me: “How do you feel right now? Like, what is your body temperature?”

My husband (with the fervent emotion of someone finally releasing a torrent of pent-up stress): “I’m SO COLD! This house is FREEZING! Haven’t you noticed that I’ve had to start blanketing my face because it’s so cold in here?!”

Me (absolutely dumbfounded): “What are you talking about?! It’s SO HOT! Look, I’m sweating and my clothes are damp. Here, FEEL MY PANTS!”

“Hm,” said my husband, with the look of someone who has just realized that crossing a woman in the throes of a full-blown hot flash is a lot like poking a big black bear with an electric cattle prod, and turned up the speed on the ceiling fan a couple of notches

So I went to the gynecologist, fully prepared to hear that the stress of my year-long illness had thrown my body into premature menopause, only to be told that, “it’s not hormonal.”

(It’s also not my thyroid, because I’ve had that checked. Twice.)

So I still have no idea what’s going on with me. Best guess is that it’s just my body continuing to recover and realign itself. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure I could get a job as the sun in a brand new solar system, if I run out of things to do around the house.

That is, if I don’t go super nova first.

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It Tagged With: dealing with health challenges

Still Suffering, After All These Years

February 21, 2008 By Jenny Ryan 2 Comments

Every so often I toy with the idea of going back to school and getting my Ph.D. in Spanish. But I never do, and I think I’ve finally figured out the reason why. Apparently, I’m already doing a post-doc in Suffering and Doing Things The Hard Way. Or, to be more accurate, I’m doing extensive research into how to unlearn this.

Back when I was about to turn 29 and I saw the rest of my life stretching out before me as an endless procession of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, I decided that I had had enough, and by God, I was GOING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE HAPPY! So I hired my very first coach and got to work.

Now, 6 years later, I have completely transformed myself and my life. And what’s more, I’ve gotten really good at no longer staying stuck in anyplace where I’m suffering emotionally. This is not to say that I never have hard times or never feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and the like. But now I know how to feel what I’m feeling and just let it be without making up all kinds of stories about What This Means, and I have lots of support, and resources, and skills, AND I know that if there’s something I can do to help myself feel better, I can do it. So I’ve gotten really skilled at navigating the flow of all of my emotions.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for those times when I’m facing any kind of physical suffering. Anytime I’m faced with physical pain, it practically takes an act of God for me to realize that maybe, perhaps, there might be a way for me to do things differently and actually feel better.

And apparently the Universe has decided that it’s finally time for me to “get” this, because it’s bringing up those final few places in my life where I’ve had trouble really getting things to work well, and they are all somehow tied into some kind of physical issue.

[Read more…] about Still Suffering, After All These Years

Filed Under: Grin And Bear It, Sometimes I Get Sick, Where Jenny Talks About Her Feelings Tagged With: dealing with health challenges

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