Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

Sometimes We Are Just Stunned By Our Own Staggering Brilliance

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And lo, the heavens did open, and the angels did descend and pour forth their heavenly songs, because today, I created a Podcast. ALL. BY. MY. SELF!

To give you some idea of the magnitude of this achievement, just imagine if a rock, which moments before had been totally inert, suddenly came to life and began to expound on the principles of Quantum Physics in four languages simultaneously. That’s a pretty good metaphor for what happened here today.

A few weeks ago I gave a speech entitled, “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World” at my local Toastmasters club meeting. Me being who I am it was of course a humorous speech, so I knew it would be a perfect complement to the writing I do here on my blog.

And so I am very pleased to present to you here my very first podcast ever, “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World”.

School Daze

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I have no idea how this happened, but apparently it is almost time for school to start again.

This will be my fifth year working as a Spanish tutor, and so a lot of the students who started with me as freshman graduated last year. And as I think about them as they get ready to start college I have been wondering what, if anything, I managed to impress upon them as they begin to make their way out in the world.

As their tutor I covered a lot of areas with them-organization, study skills, how to get along with their teacher, etc., plus all the Spanish-specific topics.

But as I reflect back upon my time spent with them, I think the only thing I can in all honesty guarantee that stuck with them is this:

“By God, don’t you dare steal my pens!”

See, I am really weird about my pens. I only like this one kind called “Bic Crystal”. And I can only find them at the grocery store because, despite the fact that they are The. Best. Pens. Ever, they are apparently not “highfalutin” enough to be sold at actual office supply stores. So that means that if anyone else ever uses one of these pens, or thinks about using one, or even looks in the general direction of where I keep them in my office, I become terrified that all of my pens will disappear and I will never be able to find any more ever again. Because they are just that awesome.

So not only do my students NEVER steal my pens, but if they ever see any Bic Crystal pens anywhere else, like in their car or lying around their house, they IMMEDIATELY gather them all up and bring them to me. Because I have scared them that much.

I have apparently convinced them that I am the rightful owner of all Bic Crystal pens in the entire Universe. And woe be unto those who are discovered with any of my pens in their possession.

And lo, The Teacher looked out at everything she had made, and how she had successfully transferred her craziness to others, and she saw that it was very good.

Wow, My Powers Really Do Do Good!

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Today I received what is maybe the most wonderful comment I’ve yet received on my blog and my writing. And it came as a result of a pretty difficult situation for our family.

My grandfather had one of his knees replaced at the beginning of this week. Everything was going fine, until two nights ago when he had a heart attack. Apparently they are having trouble stabilizing his heart rate, so they had to move him from his original hospital to a hospital 3 hours away. [Read more…] about Wow, My Powers Really Do Do Good!

Happy Birthday!

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Unfortunately I was a little too miserable to notice before, what with the sinus pain and pressure, and the White Hot Nail Of Agony piercing my eardrum, and The Doctor Who Did Not Believe Me, but last Monday, June 12th, was the one year birthday of my blog!

I always knew I could produce an almost unending stream of words pretty much on demand, but who knew I could come up with enough actual funny stories to fill up an entire year?

So I just wanted to take a moment to mark this occasion, and to thank all of you who read this blog. Because without you, I would just be jibber jabbering out into nothingness.

Here’s to another great year!

I Really Was Trying To Use My Powers For Good

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This weekend I did something really fun. But I wasn’t sure whether or not to write about it, because the context in which the funny stuff happened was a church, and I never want to offend anyone’s religious sensibilities.

But I really like telling funny stories, so I will just say here at the beginning that, as always, the only person I’m making fun of here is myself, due to my Outstanding Inability To Blend In. [Read more…] about I Really Was Trying To Use My Powers For Good

I Really Do Learn Something Every Day

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Today is the day when we put the sprinklers out to water the lawn in preparation for the warmer weather. This is an ex-tre-me-ly involved process which involves detailed diagrams, complex mathematical calculations, advanced satellite imagery, and multi-layered topographical and geological surveys. At least, it does here at our house.

And what I learned today is that At No Time during this process is it a good time to request of your husband that he help you locate some AA batteries for the camera so you can take a picture THIS INSTANT, because you just figured out a funny way to blog about what he’s doing.

Under Construction

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Using My Powers For Good will be undergoing a sort of ” electronic facelift” over the next couple of days. If things look odd(-er than usual), please rest assured that we will soon be back. with a new look, but as always, with our usual keen reporting on all that is humorous in this blogger’s everyday life.

Highway To The Danger Zone

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Generally speaking, I tend to leave everything technological and electronic up to my husband. And generally speaking, that tends to be in the best interests of everyone involved.

Although I do sometimes find it a little upsetting when people won’t even give me a chance. For example, when The Gamers are here on the weekend they sometimes ask me to go online and look up hints for them so they won’t have to miss a split second of combat with the demon-zombie-vampire-chainsaw-wielding-donkey-riding-skeleton-people, or whoever it is they’re fighting this week. But apparently I’m not able to complete this task quickly enough for them.

“Here, give me that,” they’ll say impatiently, irritated that their quest for the golden dragon fangs must temporarily be put on hold.
[Read more…] about Highway To The Danger Zone

Clearly My Powers Are Growing

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Yesterday I had a very odd experience.

The lawn guy was here, and my husband had requested that the next time he showed up, could I please ask him a couple of questions. So I went outside to do just that.

At first the lawn guy seemed genuinely happy to see me. He turned off the leaf blower, took out his earplugs, and greeted me warmly. Then I began to ask him my questions.

I have experienced a lot of different people having a lot of different reactions to me as a person. There has been enjoyment, inspiration, laughter, confusion, repulsion, condescension, and lo, so very many different things. But this is the first time that the person to whom I was speaking reacted as if they were enduring some kind of excruciating psychic pain caused by my mere presence.

Here’s how our conversation went.

Me: “So, we were wondering if from now on you could trim those bushes so that they are the same height all the way across.”

The lawn guy: (Nervous, uncomfortable laughter, grimacing at me all the while as if to say, “Each one of your words has become a tiny, poisoned dagger that pierces through my flesh every time you speak to me.” I truly thought he might start to cry.)

Me: “Also, how much would you charge us to take away our bags of lawn trash?”

The lawn guy: “Um, well, that depends.” (Now the grimace is pleading, “Dear God, please let this torture end!”)

So apparently there was something in that interchange that transformed me from Holly Hobbie Homeowner (a 1970’s icon that I totally resembled yesterday, clad as I was entirely in denim, and missing only the kicky braids) into Hellacious Helga, Purveyor Of Psychic Pain.

I have absolutely no idea what that something might be, or where it was during the three years I was a classroom teacher and really could have used that ability. But clearly it is time to investigate this further.