Harnessing the healing power of snark
Apparently the bar for health and fitness (not to mention a few other things) has gone W-A-A-A-Y down.
Work out for stronger muscles? Better cardiovascular endurance? To lower risk of diseases? No-I just want to be “fit” enough to get into your pants. (“Look good enough to hook up.”)
Smart idea-I think this is definitely an untapped market.
Found out that the Christmas bonus will be more than we thought, which is nice, because now we can afford to buy a new mattress. We’ve apparently done something to anger our current mattress, as it now spends all its time attempting to maim us with its strategically placed Springs Of Death.
**
Had to confess to my husband that I’ve broken one of our agreed-upon “Fashion Don’t”s, and admit to wearing white socks and Birkenstocks out in public, where I can be seen by other humans. I’m pretty sure this means I’ve lost all moral authority whereby I can judge the people who wear those horrible plastic clogs.
**
Edited to add: Unfortunately, my husband and I can no longer guarantee the safety of any cheese that enters our home. It’s as if cheese, in all its forms, appears on some sort of Feline Terrorist Watch List, and all the cats have been tasked with the mission to Seek and Destroy.
Last weekend my husband had to buy a new mouse for his computer. He bought himself a wireless mouse, which I myself have, but his had some extra parts to it that I’d not seen before.
“Hey,” I asked him, “I saw that your new mouse is very similar to mine, but what was that other piece that came with it?”
“Oh,” he replied, “Well, you know on the side of the computer, where you plug in the dongle?”
And then all conversation ceased, because my eyes popped so far out of my head that they left my body entirely, and landed with a loud SPLAT! on the living room floor.
“Excuse me?” I snorted, certain that I must have misheard him.
“You know. The thing that you plug into the USB port. The dongle,” he said impatiently, unable to see what my problem was. Unfortunately for him, I was unable to comprehend how he could continue to repeat the word “dongle” with a straight face, and then expect us to have any semblance whatsoever of a serious conversation.
Me: choked with laughter.
“Well what did you think it was called?” he asked me. This was said in the slightly condescending tone designed to convey the message of, “Well, DUH! Everybody knows that Name Of Unidentified Piece Of Computer Equipment = Funny Sounding Euphemism For Penis.”
“Oh, gee, I don’t know, maybe something like ‘The USB Port Thingie’? Not something that sounds like a dirty name for your man parts.”
PS: Are you there, God? It’s me, Jenny. Did you really create something called “a dongle”? Because if you did, then YOU TOTALLY ROCK!!
Yesterday I was working with a tutoring client, and we were discussing the subjunctive mood. We don’t really use the subjunctive in English, but an example of its use would be in the phrase, “If I were you…” (I will never be you, so I use the subjunctive to show that I am discussing something that is contrary to fact. As opposed to the indicative mood, which describes things that are factual, actual, and true.)
One of the main uses of the subjunctive in Spanish is to describe situations in which you cannot control the outcome. And as the words were leaving my mouth, Bailey, the big cat, galloped through my office and leaped on the top of my chair.
“Like that,” I said, gesturing to the wild-eyed animal looming next to us. “I can’t control that.”
“Oh,” replied my client, herself a cat owner, “cats are living, breathing subjunctive. Dogs are indicative, but cats are subjunctive.”
Lately I have been reading Kathleen Norris’ new book, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and A Writer’s Life, and yesterday I came upon this prayer that is so perfect for me and where I am right now.
It comes from the Book of Common Prayer: Prayers for use by a Sick Person:
“This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.”
And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Hm, doing nothing…gallantly. Never tried that one before.
Doing nothing…
-resentfully
-angrily
-guiltily
-fearfully
-grudgingly
I’ve run the gamut with those.
But “doing nothing gallantly.”
Definitely something to chew on.
…in the book of Isaiah the word of God is envisioned as the rain God sends to earth, and the prophet declares that it will not return empty, but bearing good fruit. If we are made in God’s image, perhaps we are also words of God in this sense, and our life’s pilgrimage is to determine what our particular word is and how we are to bring it to fruition. Within this frame of reference, we can envision the whole of our life as a journey home.
-Kathleen Norris
