A Field Guide To Spotting First Borns

A Normal Couple:

1. Brings home one piece of cheesecake to share.

2. One person gets out a knife,  eyeballs the dessert, and cuts it into two roughly equal pieces.

3. Each person eats their half.

A First Born Couple:

1. Brings home one piece of cheesecake to share.

2. One partner pulls out the kitchen scale.

3. The other partner gets down a dessert plate, places it on the scale, and then zeroes it all out so that the weight of the plate will not factor into the total weight of the cheesecake to be sliced.

4. First partner carefully removes cheesecake from original container and places it on the zeroed-out scale.

5. Second partner surveys entire knife collection and then selects the best tool for the job based on handle, weight, and ratio of blade size to size of the item to be cut.

6. Brief pause while Google is consulted due to differing opinions on choice of knife.

7. With surgical precision the partner with the engineering degree makes the first cut, slowly drawing the two halves apart and placing them on separate plates.

8. Each partner weighs their piece to make sure they are as equal in weight as is humanly possible.

9. Then, and only then, can dessert be consumed.

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Bonus Tip: If when addressing correspondence to you and your husband your mother is scrupulously careful to alternate the position of your names (e.g., your name first on the outside of the envelope, your husband’s name first in the letter’s salutation), you can be sure that both you, he, and she are all first borns.