Tentative

(Mostly) pain-free days are wonderful things, especially when they come after an extended flare-up.

But ironically, they can also throw me for a loop. When I’ve been hunkered down in survival mode for weeks and months at a time, I can’t just automatically switch over to openness and enjoyment. It’s too big of a leap.

I’m afraid to trust these moments of relief and fully embody them because I don’t know how long they’re going to stick around. It’s hard to relax and stop bracing against illness, because the inevitable return of pain after finally experiencing its absence can be heartbreaking.

They give you a lot of information when you get diagnosed with a chronic illness. But they never tell you about the kind of courage you need to be in pain and chose life anyway.