Alarm goes off.
Tiny hope…but no.
Pain flickers on with the lights.
Only five seconds in,
But I already know exactly how this day is going to go.
Shoulder the realities of my existence one more time.
Feel into my body:
Same burning forearms,
Same throbbing shoulders,
Same flaming knees,
Same song, verse #7098.
Who set my skin on fire?
Clothes on body-necessary, but excruciating.
Nudge from a cold, wet cat nose
is enough to send me over the edge.
Grateful for my pain meds,
but relief comes with a price:
So bored of my office.
So bored of that couch.
So bored of those books.
So bored of this computer.
So bored of those TV shows.
So bored of these medications.
So bored of that crack in the ceiling.
So bored of those beige walls.
I am boringly beige,
inside and out.
So tired of being in pain.
So tired of thinking about being in pain.
So tired of talking about how much I think about being in pain.
How many different ways can I say, “Hey-I hurt! And it really *$@ing sucks!
My normally fascinating inner world
is completely tapped out.
Now my interior landscape
is just as blah as my surroundings.
That’s the worst of all.
I’m too bored to be angry.
I’m too bored to be depressed.
(Do I even need to mention
how bored I am of being bored?)
I’m even too bored to swear.
People: that is some serious “bored”.
Some days I shuffle across the finish line and pass out.
Some days I run manic, just to shake things up a bit.
But mostly, I’m just so damn tired of living in this unresolved chord.
I can’t even work up the energy for an exclamation point…
Jenna/The Word Cellar says
You tell it like it is, and I respect that so much, Jenny.
Maggie S. says
Cranky Fibro Girl says
Thanks so much, guys 🙂
Deb D says
Great post. I can empathize. Many days like that. Thank you for putting it into words.
damn it… me too! I used to be so productive; could push through anything…now, you just outlined my experience… it can be very very depressing.
I just stumbled across your blog and I have to say I love it. It’s like reading my thoughts. Especially this one right here. I am in pain 99% of the time. I am 34 years old and have no life anymore.