Continuing on from yesterday’s post, the second way I’ve been torturing myself over this blog is due to my increasingly rigid and inflexible stories about the definition of humor, being a “funny” writer, what I believe I’m allowed to write about here, how I believe my stories have to look, feel, and sound, and various things of that nature.
When I started this blog almost 5 years ago the tagline was, “Entertaining Stories From Everyday Life”. And it was so much fun to write because I finally had a space to tell stories that showcase my kind of kooky way of looking at the world. And it was so easy to write back then, because I was focusing on lots of other things like tutoring and coaching and knitting and making-our-home, and so writing a funny story here and there was like sprinkles on the icing on the cake.
But then I got sick. And my life started to shrink down, smaller and smaller. I stopped being able to work. I stopped being able to attend any kind of holiday or social event. I stopped being able to keep up with the house. The various medications I’ve taken over the past couple of years have occasionally interfered with my vision, and so I’ve had to stop knitting for now. And then of course, given all of those “I can’t anymore”s, on top of the constantly feeling like shit, I stopped feeling funny.
And then this blog became My Only Thing, which of course then began to drop herds-of-elephants sized pressure onto something that was not designed to be My Only Thing, but rather a fun, accompanying extra-bonus-ey Thing to go along with all of My Other Things.
Plus, (and let me just say right here that being stuck home alone all day with just my pain and my thoughts for company DID NOT help me out with this AT ALL), I got more and more stressed out because I could no longer “deliver” a straight-on humor blog, which to me meant a blog composed entirely of self-contained, carefully crafted funny stories that always ended with a short, zingy punchline.
And so that is where all the trouble started.
I DID NOT feel funny. But according to my internal “monsters”, I was only allowed to write Funny on my blog.
I was undergoing the most traumatic, soul-crushing, spirit-breaking experience of my life, but according to the monsters, I was only allowed to blog about it if I could find a way to make it Entertaining.
This blog was just about the only way I had left to express myself or connect with the outside world, but the monsters said that my communication was only allowed to take place in a very specific, limited, rigid way.
So by Thanksgiving of last year I just couldn’t bear this struggle any more. So I spent the whole holiday planning out how I was going to announce my retirement from blogging the following week, and to be completelly honest, I COULDN’T FREAKING WAIT because I was just desperate for some relief.
But then at the last minute cranky fibro girl stepped in and said, “Hey-make me the blog”, which I did. And so for a while everything was all fun and new again, which was nice.
But now I’ve ended up back at the same unhappy, stressing-out point again.
So pretty much my only other option now is to ask myself, “Well, what if I do this whole Blog Thing differently?”
And lo, the monsters, THEY ARE GOING COMPLETELY NUTS!
I was surprised, actually, at the amount of viciousness and vitriol they started spewing at me the second I dared to even think, “Well, what if I let this website just be my story, without making any rules about How Things Must Be?”
“OMG!” shouted the first monster. “How arrogant are you to think your story is at all worth writing about in public? Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?”
Then the second monster chimed in: “Nobody gives a flying fuck about your stupid, unimportant, everyday life! Especially now that you never even leave the house or interact with other human beings anymore. I don’t know how you can delude yourself into thinking you’ve even got anything to write about anymore!”
And then, then out came the monster who’s been shadowing me my whole life-the, “You’re not allowed to ______ unless…” monster. I’m very familiar with this monster and his message, and, I’m also always surprised to hear from him again whenever I try something new.
His message is pretty much always a variation on this theme: “You’re not allowed to take up any of other people’s time or attention unless you are performing and entertaining. If you want attention from people, then you damn well better be prepared to turn in to The Dancing, Plate-Spinning Bear and entertain them, because that’s the only way you’re ever allowed to impose yourself upon them. And as a matter of fact, that’s the only way you’re allowed to even be here in this world, taking up space and using up resources and costing people things. This is the only way that you can justify your existence, this Being The Entertainer.”
OK, so not surprisingly, this latest round of Monster Smackdown has derailed me yet again from this blog for about the past three months or so. But I’ve picked myself up off the mat YET AGAIN, and have realized that I’m not quite ready to give up on this writing thing just yet.
So, coming up in our next episode: The One Where I Decide To Do Things Differently, And The Monsters Are Just Going To Have To Suck It.
“…you never even leave the house or interact with other human beings anymore.”
Thank you for confirming what I knew all along — that Pain Management clinicians are not human. That goes double for geeky husbands.
So actually, I do laugh at this post. Of course the whole thing is tragic. But you still write in a funny manner, even if what you write about isn’t entirely funny. For example, the whole paragraph “And then this blog became My Only Thing…along with all of My Other Things” produced from me a definite gahhawph, which, if I had more time, I’d figure out how to spell properly.
The monsters you’re referring to…. I think Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” is designed to purge them, because she forces you to write three pages of … just whatever … every single morning.
Oh, I just noticed that in the right hand side of your blog’s footer, it says “Copyright 2010 Your Name Here”
That sounds like a great fixer-upper project for your geeky, inhuman husband. 🙂
The beauty of having our own blogs is we can write about anything we want to. We own them! Maybe you will lose a few readers, but you’ll connect even more deeply with the ones who still visit.
Thank you guys, for the reassurance 🙂
I’m so glad you haven’t given up writing your blog!! Of course, I read it because you have the gift of writing stories that are funny, even when I’ve read them more than once and almost have them memorized. But, you also teach great lessons. For example, it is not your responsibility to make us happy. By extension, it isn’t anyone’s job to make us happy. I’m more careful now – when my friend who has cancer says she’s doing fine, I don’t say “That makes me so happy to hear that”. She has her own battles, and it’s not up to her to make me happy.
Thank you so much! I love hearing that people enjoy my stories even after the first reading 🙂 And I’m so glad that they are also helpful. That makes me feel really good.