So my brother and his wife are having a baby in a couple of months-YAY!
But I wonder if they’ve really considered the long-term ramifications of this decisions, in that they are bringing an innocent, defenseless child into the world who will have no choice but to be related to me. And I really think we all just need to stop and take a minute to discuss exactly Why I Should Never Be Allowed To Be Anyone’s Aunt, as evidenced by the following data that I’ve been carefully collecting over the past 37 years.
1. My favorite word in the entire English language is “ass”.
2. When my husband goes out of town I stop eating, having judged the whole process to be “unnecessary” and “frivolous”.
3. My preferred method of dealing with recalcitrant electronics is to run them over with my car.
4. If it weren’t for my husband, I would totally forget the need to wear pants.
5. When faced with more than 3 choices of Ranch Dressing at the grocery store, I am immediately plunged into a full-blown, existential crisis.
6. I do not share. AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. Also: no one is allowed to touch any of my stuff. Ever. Sometimes, not even my husband.
7. Sometimes I accidentally wear white after Labor Day.
8. My husband and I have nicknamed one of our cat toys “The Penis”, due to various anatomical similarities with the real thing, and enjoy making completely inappropriate remarks whenever one of the cats goes to play with it.
9. I have made known far and wide the requirement that I never be sent any pictures of babies who are “fresh out of the chute”.
10. I am pretty much just 10 long fingernails away from becoming Howard Hughes.
And those are just the first things I thought of off the top of my head. I mean, we have really only scratched the surface of this thing.
But of course, it’s too late to do anything about it now. And I suppose that I could just transform myself into Mysterious Aunt Jenny, the one who is never spoken of at family gatherings, the one who, when their name is ever mentioned in conversation makes the whole room fall silent and awkwardly look away. (And now that I think about it, there’s a chance that I might already have done that, given the existence of this blog. I’ll have to check into that later.)
So I’ll keep you posted on how this whole thing goes. And I will end this now with a special note to my other sister-in-law, for when it’s her turn:
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.