So you’ve probably noticed that it’s been kind of quiet around here lately. Even though I’ve been moving through so many different situations at what seems like the speed of light, for the first time in my 35 years, I seem to be out of words to describe what’s currently going on in my life.
I haven’t really known how to BE in this place, because always before, even if everything else fell apart, I could always fall back on a cushion of words to soften the blow. So I turned to one of my tried and true coping strategies, namely; “When in doubt, freak out.”
Because I am nothing if not generous, not to mention an excellent Drama Queen, I decided to share the freaky love with my coach during one of our sessions.
“GOD,” I announced, in my best, quivering, innocent-victim-of-the-universe voice, “God has taken all my words away! The one thing I most loved to do in the world, and now He’s taken it away from me for no reason!”
In what can only be described as a Superhuman Exercise Of Will which most likely led to severe internal hemorrhaging on her part, not only did my coach NOT laugh at me, but somehow she was also able to ask me helpful, non-mocking coachful questions to help me work through this issue.
“Well,” she asked, “does everything you write on your blog have to be funny?”
“Uh, DUH! YES!!” I replied. (Aren’t I just a dream client? Don’t you want to coach me too?) Fortunately she has raised two children, so she never takes snottiness personally.
“OK,” she replied, recognizing an Intractable Brick Wall Of Stubbornness when she saw one, “think about this. You had a plan for your blog when you started it three years ago. But you’re not the same person you were three years ago. Think about everything that has happened over the past year. So what if you could allow your blog and your writing to change, and reflect who and where you are now?”
She makes a good point. Especially given the fact that, if I had to give it a title, the theme of this past year would be,
I have hurt, in some way, every single day, for the past eight months.
Eight months of sickness, trauma, my life being completely out of my control, and pain.
One day last October I lost my health. Not because of anything I did or didn’t do. Not for any logical, rational reason. Just ‘cuz.
Overnight, I lost the ability to be the person I had been, and do everything I’d been doing up to that point.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
I never knew pain could hurt like this.
And even though I seem to have reached a place where the original illness is gone and the side effects are more or less managed, who’s to say they won’t show up again one day, out of the blue, for absolutely no reason at all? My body, my mind, my emotions, they are all tied up in knots and braced against more pain. Because I remember the pain. And I don’t know if I could bear to go through it again.
This was, and continues to be, a huge trauma for me. And I really don’t know how to be with it.
But I am still here. I do show up every day, even if all I do is open my eyes in the morning and acknowledge that I’ve arrived at the beginning of another day.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.
Lynne Morrell says
Hey there Jenny~
You have been so brave throughout this whole journey. You have done an amazing job taking care of yourself…and learning ways to do this with an even deeper reverence for your Self.
We are not here to prove a damned thing. We are worthy…cuz we are here…cuz we exist…end of story.
It is an honor to work with you and to know you~
Thanks for allowing me to be a witness and a support for you on your journey.
Oodles and oodles of love to you!!!!!
I know how difficult it is to come out the end of a traumatic situation and not be able to relax fully into the moment because, in truth, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop–gun shy that the moment can’t last. This is a constant struggle with me because of all my son’s long running health issues because the truth is–the other shoe will, and does, drop at varying intervals for us. So in some ways, living in between can be more difficult for me until I learned/learn to just let go and completely “be” in the spaces between. I am more successful than I was before, but some times completely unsuccessful. And that’s okay. You sound like an incredibly strong woman and I am certain you will relearn how to live again, stronger and wiser and more prepared to deal with life. Showing up each day acknowledging you are there for another day *is* enough. I wish you moments of peace today.
your writing has changed. but not because you are not a funny gal anymore. quite the opposite. there is a real vulnerability thing going on (whether or not you wished it….teehee) and a real open quality, too. it’s wonderful and refreshing AND funny, in a “jennyesque” way. i wish you didn’t have to go through all of this, and i don’t pretend to know why, but you are doing it, even if it is “one-freakin'(insert another f-word, if you like!!)-day-at-time-or-more-like-one-MOMENT- at-a-time”….you are awesome. thinking of you today and always. and adding my sentiments to those spoken before me above. you rock, you matter what state you are in! xoxoxoxoxo love from washington
thank you for this honest, forthright post. You ARE Funny — but you don’t Have To BE Funny… because, darlin’, you just ARE. You can’t help it. Not that this post was funny, it’s not. It shows multi-dimensional, which we also know you are… even if you don’t write it all the time. Same goes for funny.
What you have walked through stinks. The pain, the doubt, the unknown, the pain. Yuck-o. And it’s not fair… and you don’t “deserve” it, but you ARE GROWING more conscious, more dimensional, more deep, more compassionate, more YOU because of it. I know this. I trust this. I acknowledge you, your bravery, and your truth-telling.
I’ve been through different painful stuff – it’s not the same – But I do know the strength that comes by walking through it and telling the truth to yourself and others, while you do. Not just “strength & compassion” but honest-to-God miracles. sometimes. Not on your time. or mine. but in time. somehow. when we least expect it.
watch for them, dear Jenny. I think your coach is one. and YOU? well, I’ll just say you’re way more than “enough”….
Thank you for re-creating in our presence. “Using your Powers for Good” definitely doesn’t pigeon-hole you to humor, darlin’….
You have the pow-er!
Sharon N says
Just came onto this from the Daily Muse, which I’m pretty new too, and which has undoubtably saved my sanity!
I have no idea what you’ve been through, but i would just like to say you are not alone, as i’ve discovered recently reading other online stories from other women around the globe.
I’ve just come through major physical illness myself that will keep recurring throughout my life from previously unknown genetic probs, I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago. It’s been hell dealing with that, my son’s health issues, and a family member with mental health issues too. My ‘old’ self was vivacious, fun, a little over the top and discribed as wild by some….completely different to the person i have become. but I’m learning that that’s Ok, it’s just a different leg of the Journey, and I’m meeting more like minded and very authentic ppl in my life now, and things that used to ‘light my flame’ no longer do, but it took a while to realise that, and longer still to ‘adapt’ to my new thoughts and desires….But it is getting easier to ‘wear’ the new me….You obviously write honestly and from your heart, so please understand that ppl need that as much as humour, sometimes they need that open honesty more so they don’t feel so alone….So maybe God has just ‘adapted’ your gift for now for ppl who may need it in a differnet way.
I wish you well on your Journey.
Take care and look after yourself, and remember, sometimes we need to get empty so we can fill up on something new…and perhaps exciting in a different way.
Showing up IS enough – remember Woody Allen’s pithy quote, “80% of success is showing up”. You are figuring out who the hell you are now that you aren’t who you were before. And what a relief that is, eh? 🙂
I agree. with all of this. I think you are much more funny than you realize. (in a good way). You show up every day sweetie. That’s a huge thing.
Hey you, imagine this happening to someone with little intelligence, even less humour and no communication skills…. of either
the art or science varety…….nuff said!
As a voracious reader who hoovered up print and could recall and recreate it from memory, I suddenly couldn’t read half a page and know what was happening. In the scary place that is the fibromyalgia black hole plunge,I too felt robbed of the vey skills that would help me to a better understanding.
My independence, resaerch and networking skills seemed to have been scythed from unde me along with my health, wealth,
pleae delete my pevious post which ‘just went off in my hand, officer!’ thanks