As I believe I might’ve mentioned here once or twice, I have worked tirelessly through years of living with depression, only to emerge, hopeful and blinking into the sunlight, to discover that now I have to learn to manage an anxiety disorder. (As I am trying to make this a mostly-family-friendly blog, I’ll just go ahead and censor my reaction to this little discovery.)
You wouldn’t really know it unless you were my husband, and had to listen this every time you came to visit me in my office: “Oh my god, you did NOT just throw your dirty socks on my office floor, did you?! Oh, the pain! The burning! I’m m-e-l-t-i-n-g…”
I used to think that this was just one of my, um, “personality quirks” until I went to a new therapist and had to fill out an anxiety assessment. As in, “Does your need to clean interfere with your daily life?” (My Response: None of your damn business!) Also, there was an entire section that dealt with one’s anxiety in dealing with “fecal matter” (hm, can’t wait to see what kind of spam I start to get now), which made me feel a lot better about the fact that in 35 years I have never once changed a diaper, and as God as my witness, I NEVER WILL!!, bonding with any future nieces and nephews be damned!
The main way that this disorder manifests for me is that in my mind, whenever I’m reading a book, watching TV, listening to the radio, or listening to anyone speak, I am constantly counting the number of syllables I hear and gathering them into groups of even-numbered words that add up to eight syllables (as in, eight one-syllable words, two four-syllable words, etc.)
So I’m on this new medication to help ease all my symptoms of anxiety, and I’m eagerly awaiting the day when my mind will once again belong to me rather than my OCD thoughts, and then we bought the game “Brain Age” for the Nintendo DS. It’s this little regimen of activities to help enhance your brain function, and do you know what one of the training exercises is? That’s right-syllable counting.
Someone is actually lauding my crazy-ass mental disorder as a skill to be devoutly desired and actively pursued. In a competitive, timed game that rewards you, the quicker and more accurate your syllable-counting skill becomes.
Somehow, that just doesn’t seem right.
But of course I played it, because who wouldn‘t leap on the chance to actively flaunt what is, (unfortunately, in this case), the one thing they are best at in the whole entire world.
When you finish the test they rank your ability in terms of things that move, like a person walking, a bicycle, etc.
Can you guess what my speed was?
ROCKET. SHIP.
I can’t decide whether to celebrate, or to ask for an increase in my meds.
Bless you for sharing this post. It touched my heart.
I don’t have OCD, as far as I know, but I sure would worry if I didn’t take active steps against it. I play Sudoku a lot. It gives my overactive brain something to do besides haunting me.
Self- knowledge is so important. It’s good that you’ve faced enough of your demons to be able to recognize them.
I’m not a neat freak, but I MUST shower before I go to bed or I feel filthy. Of course, sometimes I am.
Depending on what kind of medication you’re on, maybe increasing your meds will be a reason to celebrate in and of itself, rocketgirl!
I think sharing your own self-discoveries may help others to recognize if they have the same affliction. They keep coming up with different medications, so don’t take no for answer if the ones you are prescribed don’t work like they should.
Awesome, RocketGirl!! – making cosmic lemonade with those lemons 🙂
Hi, I came via Cardiogirl. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety in the past too. I loved this post. I definitely thing you should celebrate! (If in doubt…)
I think you’re a great writer and I look forward to reading more of your blog 🙂
Hi, Jenny,
I don’t know if you’re interested, but I’ve just tagged you at Transforming Stress. It would great if you joined Peter’s meme, but if not just regard it as link love.
Oh sister. They just changed my meds too. Is it wrong that Im totally impressed with this skill of yours? Even before the folks at nintendo featured it?
How how I love my Anxiety disorder. Everytime I think I have it beat and go off my meds, I become the psycho bitch from hell. I was nearly fired once because I thought I could handle things myself.
I have just come to appreciate the fact that it a) runs in the family b) is effectively treated with meds and c) it doesn’t make me any less of a Goddess.