H.A.L.T.

You know how when you’re attempting some sort of behavior modification, such as quitting smoking, or losing weight, or planning some sort of highly flammable, explosive revenge on all the spammers who insist on filling your inbox with their constant offers of mature grandma/teen/ebony/latino shemales, the experts advise that you never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Well I’ve found that that is also an excellent checklist for me to run through in my mind to determine whether or not I am in an appropriate state of mind to post something on my blog. Only for me my issue isn’t so much with hunger as it is with sadness, so my acronym is actually S.A.L.T.

I’ve developed a little pre-posting questionnaire for myself that looks like this:

Sad

1. Do you frequently find yourself using phrases containing the word “existential” when other people ask you how you’re doing?

2. When you last talked with your coach, did she use the words “skewed” and “not real” to describe the way you are currently perceiving the world, and then:

a. ground you from using any self-help tools for the next week

b. suggest that you immediately gag yourself with duct tape so as not to irrevocably f&*@ up every single one of your current relationships

c. suggest that perhaps it was not a good idea to experiment with getting off your medications and not tell anyone about it

d. all of the above

3. Are you about to post something that sounds like this on your blog for the entire Internet to read and wonder about:

“But whatever the reason suddenly the box flies open again, and instead of consciously acting as the rational, competent adult you are now, you’re unconsciously reacting as a 5 year old. Or a 12 year old. Or in my case, a 19 year old without the first f*&@3*^ clue as to how to deal with other human beings.

Yes, that’s right. Lately the Enormous Blind Spot of “Things I Never Resolved Back When I Was 19” has finally overtaken The Car Of “Speeding Blissfully Down The Highway Of Jenny’s Life”, and smashed head on into the Giant Brick Wall Of “Hi. This Is Your Life. I’ve Been Trying To Get Your Attention Now For The Past Couple Of Years, But You Never Listened. So Unfortunately Now You Have No Choice But To CRASH.” (Self-judgment, much?)”

Angry

1. When asked by your spouse how you’d feel about inviting some people over for dinner this weekend, did you respond by stating that you’d:

a. really enjoy it.

b. like to stab them all in the face and then laugh maniacally at their pain

c. chop all their heads off with an axe.

2. Have you recently found yourself wondering if it would be more effective (and more satisfying to you) to punish your can opener for “giving you some lip” by smashing it with a sledgehammer or running over it with your car in the driveway?

3. Have you recently sent your spouse a text message stating, “I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!”, causing him to immediately drop everything he’s working on at the office and call you in order to perform an “anger intervention”?

4. Do you find that lately everything that comes out of your mouth is some variation of the phrase, “F*&%ing f*@3ers of f*&%@!”

Lonely

1. Could you successfully prosecute a case against yourself with all the evidence you’ve collected of how you are a horrible failure as a human being, and as such will undoubtedly be cast out of all civilized society and die, withered, broken, and alone.

Tired

1. Do you burst into tears at the thought of having to tie your shoes?

2. Have you recently informed your spouse that “listening to the sound waves produced by your voice takes up so much of my energy that it’s actually causing me physical pain”?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, step away from the computer immediately!! Your reputation will thank you.