We here in blog land are really, really tired. And unfortunately, our tiredness is taking the form of extreme crankiness, irritability, and the occasional blasphemy when our contact lens falls off of our finger and onto the bathroom floor.
So to spare you all the psychic pain of reading the kinds of entries I might write about while in this emotional state, like writing an ode to my new sheets, or forcing you to review the results of all the quizzes I’ve taken at Quiz Farm (“The color that best represents you is yellow”), I have instead found someone who’s written something really funny, and who has graciously allowed me to share it with you here.
Through a long chain of interlocking events involving Marney of Artella and Karen of Square Peg People, I was introduced to Tina M. Marks Shirley of Ready Set Free. There is not enough space here for me to describe the awesomeness that is all of these women, so you will just have to visit their websites and experience them for yourself.
And so, without further ado, we present:
Newsflash – Yoga Takes on New Meaning
Temper Tantrum Tips
by Tina M. Marks Shirley
Helpful yoga tips for handling toddler throwing temper tantrum in grocery store:
Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not panic. Repeat aloud if necessary.
Recall ocean breath and perform five times consecutively.
Close eyes.
Bring awareness inward.
Slowly assume Mountain pose.
Use Witness Body. Mindfully remove yourself from the situation and pretend the child is not yours. View unfolding scene from above. Recall Vajrapradama Mudra – The Mudra of Unshakable Confidence. You are completely unaffected by the overturned cart, mess on the floor, noise, and stares. Remove oneself! Stretch muscles in face to form a disgusted look. Gently guide awareness back into the store. Nod head concurringly to lady standing next to you who remarks, “Oh dear….where is that child’s mother?!”
Release grip on shopping cart.
Turn body 90 degrees.
Transition into walking meditation as practiced last night in yoga class.
Expand gaze to store entrance. Focus! Focus!
Begin to walk…mindfully…gradually…toward doors. Ignore the scene unfolding around you. You are in the world but not of the world. Repeat to yourself as you walk….
“I am in this store but not of this store.”
“I am in this store but not of this store.”
“I am in this store but not of this store.”
Reminder to Self: do not collide with beings, objects or large displays in path.
Relax and allow all visions of this setting and the sound of screaming child in floor to fade into the distance.
Notice: entrance doors now “sealed off” and SWAT Team arriving.
Awareness to 1st chakra (or is it 3rd?). Power, survival, WILL. Pass through sealed glass doors with ease.
Ignore sounds of breaking glass and all physical response to pain.
Resume Mountain pose on sidewalk in front of store.
Remove sweaty t-shirt.
Close eyes.
Inhale fresh oxygen. Raise arms overhead. Tilt face toward sun. Notice breeze on shoulders and breasts.
Exhale and release arms to Standing Seal of Yoga position, with hands clasped behind back.
Open eyes and gaze into officer’s eyes. Blue. Blue. As in deep Sea blue. Hmmm….Revisit guided imagery and ocean breath.
Vague voice in distance….”M’am? M’am?………blah blah blah…..right to remain silent….something about an attorney (?)…..blub blub blub…indecent exposure…neglect…disturbance of peace… instability…murmur murmur…”
Recall: “Your lips are moving but all I hear is blah blah blah.”
Smile.
Important note to Self: Immediately upon release – increased focus on new and improved family planning techniques.
Copyright © 2005 Tina M. Marks Shirley
We can use the things we learn in all settings
I will think of these “tips” on a daily basis and smile.
Great article! Are you Lee’s sister? Just wondering.