Hi. I’m Pip, Jenny’s middle cat, and I have taken over her blog today because I think there are some things about Jenny that you all really need to know. I know everyone thinks she’s so funny and nice, but I guarantee that once I tell you about the trauma she put me through last week, you will never look at her the same way again!
Last Thursday started out just like every other day. After Tigger, Bailey and I had our breakfast of 7 cat food pellets apiece, we had all settled down to lick ourselves into our morning nap. Suddenly, I heard noises that made my blood run cold: Evil Cat Mama (or ECM, for short) had gone out into the garage and gotten out The Cages.
“Cheese it! The cops!” I yelled, in an attempt to warn the other cats of this impending doom. [Editor’s Note: Because they are, in fact, cats and not master criminals, their slinking away led them directly into me and the cat carriers.]
Despite our valiant attempts at self-defense, Bailey and I soon found ourselves cruelly caged and constrained. For some inexplicable reason, Tigger was not forced to undergo this inhumane treatment.
Tigger: “Hi, guys. What are you doing? Why are you in those boxes? What’s going on? Can I play too?”
Pip: “Shut up, you, [BEEP] [BEEP] of [BEEP]! Don’t make me come over there and [BEEP]!”
Try as I might, I could not formulate a successful escape plan, so we soon found ourselves in The Car. Even though I have been unsuccessful at preventing the ECM from placing me in this horrible machine, I have had limited success in modifying her behavior during our rides.
I have finally trained her not to drive any faster than 35 mph, or to play the radio when I am in The Car.
I have also trained her not to talk to me with her false expressions of sympathy.
ECM: “I know, babies. I’m sorry. We’re almost there. It will all be over soon.”
Pip: “Shut up, [BEEP]! This is all your fault, you [BEEP] [BEEP]-ing [BEEP] [BEEP]!”
I’m still perfecting the third part of my Vehicle Behavior Modification Plan. This involves experimenting with as many different pitches and tones of yowling as I can, to find the exact frequency that will both deafen her and shatter her nervous system.
Finally The Car stopped moving, and the ECM took us into a building. I was very excited about the possibility of being free from The Cage until I realized where we were: she had taken us to The Evil Vet!
ECM took us into an exam room where The Evil Vet and The Evil Vet Assistant were waiting for us. It all gets kind of hazy after that, but I do remember up to the point where they forced me out of The Cage and onto The Table.
The Evil Vet Assistant: “Oh, what a pretty girl you are. Don’t you have a gorgeous coat?”
Pip: “Shut up, [BEEP]. Wait. Where are you going with that glove? NO-O-O-O…[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]!”
Shocking, isn’t it? But it had to be done. Maybe now that the truth is out there, she will not be able to inflict her cruel behavior on any other innocent victims. We can only hope that one day, The Evil Cat Mama will finally be stopped for good.
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